All posts by Diane

Outwitting Overwhelm – from Frustration to Freedom

October 1, 2010 | Diane 2 Comments

If you’ve been following my blog for the last few weeks, you may have noticed that many of the posts have been about getting unstuck, overcoming procrastination and overwhelm, and moving forward. That’s because these are challenges I’ve been working through lately. And one of the best ways I know to find answers and solutions to my challenges is, well, to write about them. I think it’s because writing about something requires you to hold a question in your mind that allows you to access answers. Sometimes my answers come through writing, and sometimes they come through in other ways.

One of the insights I received came through watching my nine year old son do his homework. There is a dynamic there that has both fascinated and frustrated me. The kid is really smart. And his homework is really not that hard. He could sit down and finish it in a matter of minutes. But the second he pulls it out of his backpack, something happens that literally freezes him in his tracks. It’s as if a huge mountain has suddenly erupted out of the page and grown into a formidable and intimidating barrier between what he needs to do and his ability to get it done.

He sits and stares at the paper. He complains about the work it requires him to do. He worries that he’s not going to be able to do it right (or at all). And then any little thing that captures his attention suddenly absorbs every ounce of energy and focus he has. A bug. A little drop of water on the counter. The way the numbers on the digital clock change with each minute. Thin air has even captivated him in this state. And hours can go by before he has mustered enough courage and motivation to even raise a pencil to paper.

“Ryan,” my husband and I tell him, “in the time you take to complain and fuss about it, you could have it finished!” “You can easily do this – you are so smart!” we tell him. Amazing. None of that seems to get through.

And then I realized that my son is a mirror image of me when I get overwhelmed.

It’s not that the tasks are all that hard or the obstacles too entirely difficult to overcome. It’s that somehow my mind enlarges them to several times their normal size so that it feels as though I am getting ready to tackle Mount Everest when in reality I only need to take a little stroll around the block. I tell myself stories (sometimes consciously and other times unconsciously) about how difficult things will be – especially things I’ve never done before. And I get sucked into the crazy fallacy I have battled my entire life that has me believing I need to get everything perfect. Before I even realize what’s going on, I feel totally fatigued – can’t even think straight. And then I need to just sit for awhile – or go find something to do that is easy, so I can check a box and feel as though I have accomplished something, anything.

So now I know where my son gets it. Instead of trying to teach him. I have decided to allow him to be my teacher. In addition to showing me what is standing in my way, he has reminded me that all the words in the world don’t make a difference when you are trying to teach someone to do something you have not yet mastered. Kids learn through action, not words. And so do adults.

So if I’m going to do even a lick of good for this kid, (and my other kids, and my clients, and anyone else I might want to help), I have got to get busy working on myself. But how do you overcome a lifetime of perfectionistic patterns that keep you from taking the action necessary to achieve your grandest visions and goals?

With this question at the top of my mind, I went for a run. As with just about any of my runs, the first fifteen minutes was hard. I was tired and stiff. It wasn’t fun. But I powered through it. And then I got into my zone. My legs felt lighter. My breathing evened out. My head began to clear. I started to enjoy myself. And I ran a little faster and a little harder. It felt good.

And then I had a second, equally powerful insight. To break out of the perfectionism trap – to get out of overwhelm, to free myself from my own self-created prison, I simply need to get into action. To take even one small step toward my desired goal – with the knowledge that at first it may be uncomfortable, stilted, far from pretty, less than perfect. And then to take another, and another and another. Until finally I reach my zone. I have a feeling the more diligence and effort I put into those initial steps, the more quickly I will get through that “warm up” period and into a place where I can actually make headway – and – dare I say it – even have some fun?!

So that’s my simple plan. And I’m sticking to it. And when I need a little more motivation and inspiration, I’m going to go hang out with my son for awhile.

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”

~ Albert Einstein

If you liked this post, you may enjoy other articles written about Boosting Creativity, Productivity & Effectiveness. Download these and others for free at www.DianeBolden.com/solutions. While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month. You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

Though comments are currently closed, please feel free to email me at Diane@DianeBolden.com with your feedback, questions and thoughts. Have a specific challenge you’d like to see a post written about? Let me know. I’d love to hear from you!

Getting Unstuck – The Power of Purpose

September 24, 2010 | Diane 2 Comments

Do you ever have trouble getting something done? Something big?

(Or maybe something that feels big?)

When faced with a rather large task or project, it is easy to get bogged down in the details and the heaviness that comes with them. We can experience what feels like a never ending process of having to check a bunch of boxes to advance something toward completion. And when the project we are working on requires us to do something new – something uncomfortable and challenging – it is easy to get mired in feelings of fear, frustration and anxiety. All of these things can keep us feeling stuck.

Our focus goes from the joy of getting something done to the frustration of having something undone. In this state, many of us tend to become rather mechanized, as we try to get clear on the steps before us and what we need to do to accomplish them. We can also put a lot of pressure on ourselves, beating ourselves up for any lack of progress and failing to recognize and acknowledge ourselves for what we have done.

We may become easily distracted by things that we know will be easier and potentially more enjoyable – tasks that don’t really need to get done right now (or at all), and things that may really be more appropriately delegated to others. We can get sucked into unproductive activities, such as surfing the internet, engaging in idle conversation, taking several coffee breaks, or – my personal favorite – making more lists of all the things we need to do and identifying the steps we need to take in order to get them done. This is actually a great practice when we are focused, but in a procrastination mode it can become relegated to planning to plan – and then plan some more – until we have a rock solid strategy that we never actually implement.

It may feel as though you are spinning your wheels – running like heck,

but not getting a whole lot of traction.

I know this, of course, because I have experienced it myself. Many times. And I have worked with a lot of people who fall into this pattern as well to recognize what’s happening and shift into something that will get them back on a more productive track.

One of the most powerful things I have found to break out of a “spinning your wheels” cycle is to take a few moments to revisit your purpose – or the larger mission or goal you have which relates in some way to what you are doing.

Get clear about what – or who – the work is for.
How will it improve the quality of life for yourself or those around you?
In what way will it help people, contribute to something greater, or allow you to achieve a meaningful goal for yourself?

You don’t have to take several hours to do this. Just stop yourself for a few moments and ask, when this project/task/ initiative is finished, what bigger goal or purpose will it accomplish? What would you like to accomplish? Write it down. Add to it as you think of additional bonuses. Now, sit for a moment and see if you can envision what it would feel like to satisfy that larger purpose, vision or goal. See if you can feel it so clearly that you are actually grateful for it.

This simple act will help you reconnect with something that will fuel you beyond the minutia. It will give you the courage and strength to walk through your fear or hesitation to do something that you may not be all that good at yet. And it will help you to get back to the joy that comes through the process as well as the achievement of the end goal.

When you go about accomplishing things in this way, all that you do will become infused with a new energy – one that uplifts, delights and inspires. Whatever you are experiencing as you work on something will be the same thing people will experience when they partake of the fruit of your efforts. The more we keep this in mind on a daily basis, the more we will experience the satisfaction and gratification of having done something truly meaningful – something that lifts us out of the mundane and into a place of magnificence. And everyone that comes into contact with our work will be better off because of it.

An Antidote to Life’s Frustrations

September 3, 2010 | Diane

“An effort made for the happiness of others lifts us above ourselves.”

~ Lydia M. Child (1802-1880) Writer

Do you ever feel so mired in frustration and challenge that you cannot see a way to move beyond it?

When life gets you down, it’s easy to become overly focused on all the things that seem to be a source of discontent. And it is all too easy to become completely absorbed in the feeling of dissatisfaction itself. When we do, this fixation acts as a magnifying glass, expanding to several times their normal size every problem or challenge we have until it all feels too entirely daunting to move at all. And this orientation has a way of somehow attracting all manner of setbacks and further complications our way. As the old saying goes, “when it rains, it pours.”

Perhaps the way we tend to act when we are already feeling defeated contributes to the negative cycle. Or it could be that when we are so intent on seeing all the things that we feel lousy about that even things that would normally not bear weight suddenly feel incredibly heavy. In any case, we all have days where what is going wrong seems to capture more of our attention than what is going right and life just feels like one d@#n thing after another.

At times like these, I believe that the best thing we can do is anything that allows us to go beyond ourselves to be of service to another human being. It may seem somewhat naïve and Pollyannaish to suppose that forgetting all your troubles to go help someone else would do much of anything to change the situation. How could something so simple and cliché have any impact when you feel so overwhelmed that you cannot do another thing?

Like many of us, I was given this advice when I was a child and have heard it repeatedly over the course of my life. Yeah, yeah, I often thought. But whenever I act on that counsel, I find myself surprised and delighted by what ends up happening.

The other day, I woke up to a list of things that needed to get done so long that I had to have a few more cups of coffee just to read through it. Many of the things on my list I had been procrastinating for some time. But they had to get done, and putting them off another day was just going to make things worse. And then I remembered something that happened the previous evening.

Our air conditioner began to sound a lot like an old Volkswagen bug stuck in an idle. The repairman arrived at the end of the day – after spending hours on other calls that ran long and had him laboring on rooftops in triple digit heat. But he managed to patiently and thoroughly check our unit to find that a plastic grocery bag had somehow gotten sucked into the fan. As soon as he removed it, the air conditioner sounded fine.

He could have ended the service call and went on his way. But he didn’t. He stayed and educated me on what I could do to keep the unit running efficiently – and even did some maintenance he wasn’t required to do – which led him to discover and fix potential problems that would have soon become costly repairs. I recall how thankful I was for his service and told him I would put in a good word for him with his boss.

So I made the phone call. I expressed my appreciation and gratitude to his manager and explained that because of his exceptional service, I would definitely be calling that company again. The woman on the other end of the line was delighted to hear good news and eager to give some recognition to the serviceman. I soon realized that making that call not only lifted my spirits, but hers as well. It was this burst of positivity that gave me new energy and a sense of lightness that I brought to all my other activities.

So the next time you find yourself feeling defeated, see if there is something – anything – you can do for another human being. It doesn’t have to be big – just unexpected and uncalled for. I can almost guarantee that it will do just as much for you (and maybe even more) as it will for the other person.

If you liked this post, you may enjoy other articles written about Inspiring Yourself & Others. Download these and others for free at www.DianeBolden.com/solutions. While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month. You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

Getting Connected ~ What Intuition and the Internet Have in Common

August 27, 2010 | Diane

“Intuition will tell the thinking mind where to look next.” ~ Jonas Salk

I have been marveling a lot lately over the power of the internet. I feel so old when I explain to my kids that when I was in school, doing a research paper meant spending hours in a library pouring over books and periodicals to get the required information. Now, all they need to complete their papers and projects is a computer that has internet access. The idea that you can tap into a vast reservoir of data, selectively identify what you want to read about, and have it delivered to your screen in a matter of seconds is truly amazing. And now, it’s so commonplace that most of us no longer really think all that much about it – we just expect it.

And then I began to realize that this process of connecting to something bigger is not unlike what we do when we move from using logical, analytical thought to a more intuitive knowing – going from our heads to our guts. When we are in our heads, we utilize the data that we can see, feel, touch, hear, and taste. It’s a lot like being in a library or using a computer that is off line – we only have access to the data that is stored in the immediate vicinity – much of which can be irrelevant or outdated. And we often have to do a lot of manual work to get it. We spend a lot of time trying to figure stuff out and make things happen the way we think they should. When they don’t, we tend to get frustrated, try harder to get everything to fit, and ultimately feel as though we just keep hitting walls. The frustration can lead us to cut ourselves off even more from our intuition, which like the internet, has access to far greater things than what we might realize.

When we access our intuition, we hook up to knowledge that goes beyond what we can immediately see, feel, hear, touch or taste. We can access information that links us to others – which allows us to feel connected to them – to hear not only the words they are saying, but also what they are not saying but feeling. We can access information that is in the realm of possibilities – about opportunities that are all around us and what we might need to do to leverage and act on them. We can also access warnings about options that are not in our best interest or will lead us to experience something that is not aligned with where we most want to go. When we are in our heads, we are inclined to resist or overlook these promptings because they are not “rational” or explainable.

I believe that our connection to something greater than ourselves allows us to not only receive data, but also to send it – in much the same way we do a search on the internet. When we are in need of a given piece of data, we enter a search term and then receive a variety of links that give us more information about that subject. Similarly, when we decide on an overarching intention, like wanting clarity, peace, or a mutually satisfying resolution to conflict or challenge, we send a signal to the vast field beyond our heads that gathers information and energy aligned with that intention and brings it into our awareness. We access a field of infinite creativity and wisdom from which some of the greatest inventions and ideas of our time originated.

For some people the information delivered via intuition is easily decoded, like words on a screen. But for most of us, it is delivered in the form of an inkling, a feeling or a strong prompting to do one thing or another. Or perhaps it might come in the form of a sign or object that takes on increased meaning – or an experience that in some way relays information, like seeing a movie or having a conversation with another person that is somehow related to our inquiry or intention. When we act on these promptings, things have a way of falling into place such that our intention comes to pass.

Unlike our computers, I believe we are always connected to this larger field, whether we want to be or not. When we acknowledge and rely on this connection, keeping our thoughts focused on what we want most in life, we will experience a sense of flow, peace and deep satisfaction that comes from experiences we draw to ourselves that match those thoughts. When we fail to recognize the power of this connection, and allow our minds to become consumed with frustration, doubt, anxiety and fear, this same dynamic seems to draw to us additional data, experiences and challenges that match our state of mind – and we find ourselves mired deeper and deeper in frustration.

So the next time you catch yourself feeling anxious or stressed about anything – frustrated over not being able to solve a problem, resolve a conflict, address an emerging issue or challenge – make a conscious decision to move from your head to your gut, and then balance the two. Decide what you want to experience and let that be your guiding intention. Your gut intuition will allow you access to ideas and possibilities that are just outside the boundaries of your mind, and your head will help you process and act on that information in a way that brings you the results you desire.

The Power of a Story

August 20, 2010 | Diane 1 Comment

The other day I was working from my home office when I noticed a man in my back yard. I figured perhaps he was a meter reader from the utility company and went over to the window to get a better look. He was wearing shorts, a t-shirt, and a large straw hat whose wide brim angled toward the ground. In his hand was what looked like a window washer with a squeegee on the end. He looked all around our back yard, glanced over to the back fence, and then proceeded out our front gate. An unsettling feeling came over me as I began to realize there was a very good possibility this man had no business on our property.

I watched as he walked over to a maroon minivan and slouched into the driver’s seat with the door open, waiting, his foot kicked up and resting on the open window. Peering out my living room window, I strained to see if I could make out the license plate. The letters were fuzzy and I couldn’t quite discern them. So I grabbed an envelope to take to the mailbox thinking that from there I could get a better look and scribble down the letters and numbers on the paper. As I walked toward the end of the driveway, the man quickly closed the car door, started up the engine and drove away. I began to run – trying one more time to get a look at the license plate, but the car just went faster.

My heart was beating wildly. I sent emails to my neighbors encouraging them to make sure their gates, doors and windows were locked and to be on the lookout for the red van that I saw. A few minutes later, I settled back into my study only to glance out the window and see the red van again – this time across the street, with the door propped open, and the same man I saw in my back yard sitting in the driver’s seat waiting.

Still looking out the window, I picked up the phone and dialed 911. I did my best to describe the man to the dispatcher and relay the details of my experience and felt a wave of relief when I saw two squad cars roll up behind the van. A policeman walked over to the man and the two of them talked. A few minutes later the officer called to inform me that the man in my back yard was from the irrigation service that comes twice a month to open and close the valve that brings water into our yard.

And then I felt the sting of embarrassment and humiliation followed by feelings of regret and sympathy for this poor man who was just interrogated by the police while doing his job in triple digit heat in Phoenix, Arizona. Compounding my foolishness was the fact that my husband and I have actually met this man and had a conversation with him. He was warm and kind and gave us advice on how to properly irrigate our back yard after having some work done there. I even remembered that his name was Tom.

As the police got back into their cars I walked across the street to thank them and apologize to Tom. “I am so sorry,” I told him sheepishly. “I didn’t recognize you and I was scared.” Tom’s mouth widened into a smile that revealed a few teeth missing. He laughed as he told me, “You wouldn’t believe how many times people have called the police on me. Don’t worry about it.” It was then that I realized that the window washer I thought he was holding in his hand was actually an irrigation tool. I explained to him that what really alarmed me was that he drove away as I was running after him. Turns out he never even saw me – just realized that he was starved and had exactly five minutes to run and get something to eat before the next valve had to be closed.

We had a very nice conversation in the minutes that followed. His eyes sparkled as we talked about his work, his three sons – one of which was having a birthday that day, and his relaxed, let life happen as it comes philosophy. As I walked back toward my house, I realized the power our fearful stories have over our behavior and the way things play themselves out in our lives. I had experienced firsthand the distortion of reality caused by faulty information my mind filled the blanks in with as a result of my fear and panic. I took very few data points and wove them together to create a worst case scenario that had me acting as though it was true. And none of it had to do with Tom himself – only the story I created based on what I was believing about my limited observations.

I can’t help thinking about how that dynamic plays itself out every day of our lives. We all take in limited information and we all create stories about what it means. Most of us tend to operate as though those stories are true. And other people do the same thing when it comes to their observations of us. It was a wonderful reminder to always entertain the thought that perhaps I don’t always have all the pieces of the picture or every detail relevant to the story.

It also made me realize the importance of not taking personally the sometimes perplexing or inexplicable reactions others may have to me – to keep an open mind, and an open heart, like Tom did. To remember that things aren’t always what they seem – and people are not always who we think they are. And to entertain the possibility that at any moment circumstances can change from being frightful to delightful – if I am willing to look beyond what my eyes and my mind are telling me to see what is really there.

If you liked this post, you may enjoy other articles written about Navigating Through Change, Challenge & Uncertainty. Download these and others for free at www.DianeBolden.com/solutions. While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month. You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

Embracing Life’s Uncertainty

August 13, 2010 | Diane 3 Comments

“When nothing is sure, everything is possible.” ~ Margaret Drabble

I came across the above quote some time ago and it has become one of my favorites. In fact, I was just sharing it recently with a client who is in the midst of uncertainty. And he is not alone. So many of us are finding that things that used to be fairly stable have suddenly become chaotic and unpredictable. Whether it is an organizational restructuring, relocation, ending one job and looking for or starting another, or just plain everyday hiccups that throw our daily routines for a loop – just about every one of us can identify with having our worlds shaken or even turned upside down.

When things like that happen, it can be quite disorienting and unsettling. Change seems to be easier for some people than others. It is easiest when we are the ones doing the changing. The tough stuff catches us by surprise. And when it does, we often become fixated on the discomfort it creates. It can be like someone pulled the rug out from under you and you have to shuffle to regain your footing on a surface that you are unfamiliar with.

SO WHAT. NOW WHAT?

Years ago, a friend of mine gave me a refrigerator magnet upon which the words “So what. Now what?” are written. These simple words have such great wisdom. They point the way that allows us to rise above our self pity and access the wisdom to intuitively make the choices necessary to rise above whatever circumstances we find ourselves in. So what. So what if things didn’t go the way we planned? So what if we were beset with unfortunate occurrences? Rather than spending our time and energy trying to find out why, why not focus it into what we will do next?

Rather than looking at what we have lost, we can look at what we still have – and at what, if anything the current experience has to teach us. Rather than becoming resentful and preoccupied with remorse, regret or anger and frustration at the way things have happened and the way we or others have handled them, we can start anew – right now, shifting our focus from what should be happening to what could be. What will we choose right now, in this moment? If we pause long enough, allowing our minds to become still, we will find that we have all the answers we need. And if even one of us can find the courage to do this, others, seeing the peace that comes from acts of faith this introspection tends to inspire, will follow.

When people we care about experience hardships, we do them very little good by lavishing them with sympathy, conspiring in their rebellion against a course of events that have already taken place. This insurgence does little to help them unless at the core of their rage they find the impetus to rise above their anger rather than react from within it. Our pity reduces them to helpless victims who believe they have cause to lament and despise what they have come to believe is a cruel universe. No good will ever come from actions taken with such a mindset.

Instead, we can help them to shift their focus on what has taken place (the past) to what they can do about it (the present). Rather than commiserating in woeful stories, we can help them to recognize the opportunities present in every challenge and to seize them with vitality and courage. Setbacks can then become platforms from which we and our loved ones can dive into our true natures – discovering ourselves to be far greater than we thought we were. This is what the great leaders throughout the history of the world have done that enabled people, countries, even nations to prosper under great adversity. We have the opportunity to do this every day, both for ourselves and others.

This post includes an excerpt from my upcoming book, The Pinocchio Principle – Becoming Real: Authentic Leadership for the 21st Century, which will be released later this year.

Leader, Know Thyself

July 23, 2010 | Diane

Feel like there’s got to be more to being a leader than running from meeting to meeting, repeatedly fixing the same problems, and beating your head against a wall trying to get people and things to change?

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” ~ Gandhi

We’ve all been to a lot of classes – whether on leadership or related subjects – where we sit passively and listen to someone teach us things from a workbook or a PowerPoint presentation. Some of these classes may have infused us with new ideas and inspirations, others may not have. Either way, the chief challenge is coming back to our daily work and implementing what we have learned. Class or no class, putting into practice the ideas and insights we get on a daily basis is a challenge. It is a challenge because it calls for us to integrate them into a way of doing things that we have established for ourselves over a long period of time.

In order to change, grow or improve in any way, we must consciously look at ourselves – at what is working and at what is not. Often we are so accustomed to running from project to project and meeting to meeting, that we aren’t even aware of the dynamics at play under the surface. This frenetic approach leads to a pattern of similar results, similar experiences, and inevitably similar frustrations, and often the feeling that there has to be more to it than this.

There is.

The truth is, you already possess within you the most significant core essentials you need in order to be successful. The question is, are you using them? And are you using them to the best of your ability? If the answer is no, it doesn’t matter how many new tools you acquire or methodologies you learn. Our chief challenge is not to continue looking to others for solutions and answers, but instead to take the time to tap that part of ourselves that remains our purest potential. The prerequisite for being an effective leader of others is to learn to lead ourselves.

This blog post is an excerpt from a longer article, titled “Leader, Know Thyself – Unearthing Your Best Work”. Click here to read the full article, which includes practical steps for bringing out your best. For more articles on Boosting Creativity, Productivity and Effectiveness, visit www.DianeBolden.com/solutions. While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month. You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

Leaping Into the Unknown

July 9, 2010 | Diane 1 Comment

“Come to the edge” he said. “No,” they said.

“Come to the edge” he said.

“No,” they replied. “Come to the edge” he said.

They came. He pushed them and they flew.

~ Guillaume Apollinaire

I know a man who is tirelessly dedicated to excellence and does what he can to create and evoke it everywhere he goes. He is a strong leader, who believes in making a difference in the lives of those around him. His most powerful tool is the example he tirelessly sets for others, who admire his leadership, integrity and heart and would walk through fire for him. This man treats people with respect, kindness and honor. He is dedicated to his own growth, and even more so to the growth of those around him. And he knows he is ready for something bigger than anything he has previously been a part of. He’s known that for a long time.

This man’s commitment, dedication and loyalty is solid and unwavering – though some might question whether all the people he gives it to are deserving or have truly earned it. He puts the welfare of others before his own, and as a result people trust him. They know he has their back. Over the years, he has been tried and tested. He has achieved great successes and endured great disappointment. But he never gave up.

“Come to the edge.”

This man heard the call. He rose up to answer it. But he hit a wall.

“Come to the edge.”

He heard it again, so he took a different route, gathered more strength, got a little more traction and powered forward with greater intensity. And he hit the wall again, only this time, harder. Bloody, bruised, but not beaten, he thoughtfully retreated, waiting for another opportunity to rise.

“Come to the edge.”

He heard it again. He came. He lost his job.

Why? Unfathomable. Shocking. He did not know. He did not understand. He gave it his best. Why was this happening to him?

He charged at the wall. And he broke through it. And beyond the wall lies a whole new world, waiting to be discovered by him. Waiting for his talent, his wisdom, his compassion, his energy and determination – his leadership. It has been waiting for awhile now, quietly beckoning to him.

I know a man who probably feels like he is in a free fall right now. But soon, he will remember how to fly. And the world will become a brighter place because of it.

If you liked this post, you may enjoy other articles written about Navigating Through Change, Challenge & Uncertainty . Download these and others for free at www.DianeBolden.com/solutions. While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month. You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

Busting Out of the Box

June 18, 2010 | Diane

The other day, my youngest son came home from summer camp with a riddle he wanted me to hear:

“Mom, pretend you are in a box that is sealed shut – air tight – with no doors and no windows.” OK,” I replied, picturing walls on all sides of me.

“How do you get out?” he asked.

I offered some lame solutions, each of which compelled him to roll his eyes and shake his head. When I saw that he could no longer take it I said, “I give up. How do you get out?”

“You stop pretending!” he said with a wide grin spreading across his face.

This little riddle has profound implications for all of us. Because we have a way of creating our own boxes every day of our lives. Sometimes we do it when we wake up with preconceived ideas of how our day is going to be. We do it when we make a judgment of whether or not we believe people will come through for us, or whether we will be able to come through for ourselves or others. We create boxes that keep us walled off from our greatest potential and the myriad of possibilities that exist all around us when we believe that the chances of achieving something are less than optimal.

We are often told that being truly creative requires that we “think outside of the box.” And I believe this is true. Perhaps we can also increase our creativity and effectiveness by recognizing the ways in which we create our own boxes to begin with so that we can prevent them from reigning us in altogether.

Anytime we believe an assumption, we tend to act in ways that validate it. If we believe we are not capable of doing something – speaking in public, taking a stand, initiating a conversation with someone, pursuing some kind of opportunity – we behave in ways that make that assumption true. As the saying goes, “you can’t win if you don’t play.” We may believe we cannot succeed in some area because there is no evidence that suggests we can. But the lack of evidence is often a direct result of believing something about ourselves that is largely based in conjecture; our self limiting beliefs can keep us from trying at all. Many times the only real evidence we have is actually a lack of evidence.

When we believe an assumption about others that suggests they are not capable of achieving something, we act in ways that can bring out their insecurities and doubts, thus inhibiting their performance. It is not uncommon for people to accomplish amazing feats in front of some audiences and become all thumbs in front of others.

When we find ourselves being intimidated by others who may have doubts about our abilities, we need to be aware of the fact that their doubts are not what is inhibiting us at all. Their doubts are only triggering the stories of inadequacy we have about ourselves – and that is what gets in the way of our ability to do any given task.

When we begin to pay attention to what it is we are believing, we can question the validity of our assumptions and take steps to disengage ourselves from beliefs that keep us reigned in. The key is not to try to get rid of our assumptions, but rather to replace our limiting beliefs with empowering truths. Rather than focusing on what’s going wrong, we can focus on what’s going right and build on that. Instead of beating ourselves and others up for our seeming shortcomings, we can appreciate our strengths and the progress we have made and go from there. We can move from the improbable to the possible and look to the talent we and others possess that will help us to achieve it.

Action follows thought – and our doubts are like the walls of a box that keep us from seeing and acting on the array of possibilities all around us. The truth about who we are and what we are capable of dissolves those walls and allows us to bust out of our boxes so that we can experience life as it is truly meant to be lived – unencumbered, limitless, and free.

So, if you find yourself in a box, take my eight year old son’s advice – and STOP PRETENDING.

If you liked this post, you may enjoy other articles written about Navigating Through Change, Challenge & Uncertainty . Download these and others for free at www.DianeBolden.com/solutions. While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month. You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

Life’s Wake Up Calls

May 29, 2010 | Diane

Several years ago I was rushing around trying to get somewhere quickly while worrying about what felt like a million things that were competing for attention inside my head. And then suddenly I felt the impact of a collision and the somewhat distinctive scent of burnt powder being released by the air bags in my car as my body was thrown into one of them. Just like that, everything stopped. And hours later, I sat in the passenger seat of a tow truck staring back at the crushed metal of the sports car I had purchased two months prior as my gaze went from the bed of the tow truck to the vehicles on the road below, each filled with people hurrying and scurrying to their destinations. It was as though I had been yanked from my own frenetically chaotic routine and made to sit still while I objectively observed that same mindless mania from a distance.

Earlier this week, I sat in a cardiovascular intensive care unit watching my husband recover from the seven plus hour surgery he had just endured. I felt a strangely similar sense of having been removed from the somewhat banal yet seemingly urgent tasks that tend to occupy my days and directly inserted into something that led me to feel as though time had somehow come to a complete halt. It was as though the volume on all the background noise in my life had been somehow silenced to allow the most integral parts to have their solo. Knowing that he was unconscious, but hoping he could somehow hear my voice or feel my presence, I realized words were completely inadequate to capture how I felt about him at that moment anyway – even if he could hear them.

All the craziness of the previous weeks somehow went away and everything that only one day before seemed so pivotal no longer even shared the same scale. Life’s momentous events have a way of trumping everything else in such a way that we question what it was we were so worked up about before anyway. And in these critical moments it seems the most vital things take on a razor-sharp focus. We remember what is really important. It’s as though we have been granted some kind of highly sophisticated vision that allows us to instantly and almost unconsciously differentiate the significant from the trivial. We feel that which we know in our hearts with such strength and magnitude that it almost bursts right out of us.

As I looked around others in the ICU – patients as well as their family members, I realized that in these places, people are at their rawest and most human. There are no facades, no airs, no agendas. And it isn’t just the gowns that leave people feeling exposed. We are ripped wide open in such a way that we come face to face with our very essence. In these moments, life takes on new meaning. These gut wrenching experiences that cut us to our cores give us the gift of returning us to our cores – so that we can remember how strong we really are, and come back to that which gives us true strength. We awaken to what is most real within us and find the ability to connect to what is most real in others.

I don’t think the only way to experience such a profound wake-up call is through tragedy, illness or trauma. We have the ability – and the choice – every day to pay attention to what we are paying attention to, and determine whether it is really worthy of our time and precious energy. We can open our eyes to the unfolding of each moment and allow the questions that haunt and beckon in the furthest corners of our minds to become magnified in such a way that we cannot help but hear and respond to them.

What gives your life meaning?

What are you really here to do?

…to be?

And are you doing it?

If not, when will you start?

How about now?

Why Real LeadersDon't Set Goals(and what they do instead)

Why Real Leaders
Don't Set Goals(and what they do instead)