Leadership Lit Up: Five distinctions that separate the best from the rest

“Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being.
Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light.”
– Albert Schweitzer 

Leaders are people who have the ability to shine a light on their surroundings and everyone around them. The light they shine comes from within them, a product of the unique combination of their talent, energy and passion. The very best leaders are those who help others ignite their own sparks so that they too may serve as a beacon of hope, inspiration and courage. Illuminated by this light, our paths become brighter and we are able to clearly see any obstacles that lie before us so that we may swiftly and effectively overcome them and grow stronger in the process.

This light also allows us to recognize and bring out the strengths in ourselves and others that will allow us to persevere and emerge victorious in the face of our greatest challenges and setbacks. Exercising true leadership does not require that you have a degree from Harvard, or anywhere for that matter. As we endeavor to practice leadership in every aspect of our lives, no matter what our vocation or role, shining our light brightly requires that we remember a few key points.

Leadership focuses on possibility and potential

In times of widespread change, there is great fear. It is easy to become immersed and overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness, frustration, anger, and sadness. These feelings often lead us to become engaged in defensive routines that seek to place blame, or to resign ourselves to victim status, waiting for rescue. We must reframe what we are seeing and make sure the lens is clear. Shakespeare once said “It is neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so.”

We can look at what is happening around us and instead of focusing on what is being destroyed, pay attention to what is rising up within us. We are stronger than we think we are. We are resourceful. Together we can create far more than we can individually. Often our greatest attributes, talents and strengths lie dormant inside of us until something happens that requires we summon them up. That time is now.

When we focus on the positive and put our energy on what is possible, we see solutions that previously evaded us and recognize that we are capable of far more than we realized. As we act from this frame of reference, we inspire others to do the same. When we focus on the positive attributes in others, we help bring them out and others recognize they have greatness within them as well. In this way, we are exercising leadership regardless of what our job or role is. This is what is needed most right now.

Leadership is more than position, title, status or power. 

Leadership is not the private reserve of people who hold fancy titles, have people reporting to them, or are even in organizations at all. Leadership is about bringing out the best in everyone and helping them focus their unique talent, passion, energy and style into something that benefits a greater good. But we have to start with ourselves. We can’t wait for someone to come in and make everything right, or rely on people in high positions to do that for us (whether than be in organizations, communities or governments).

The more we look out there for our solution, the further we get away from the solutions each and every one of us holds within. We are all pieces of an intricate puzzle, and every single one of them is essential. We must take responsibility for what we have control over in our lives and make whatever impact is ours to make, even if that is only in our thoughts – in what we are paying attention to, in what we say and do, and in the example we set for others. We are collectively creating a reality that mirrors our thoughts. We must do what we can to keep that positive and constructive, so that our actions are that way as well.

Leadership is not a one man or woman show. 

We are all familiar with the idea of a mighty hero, who is infallible, fearless, and all powerful. When people believe those should also be the characteristics of leaders, they act in ways that can become more disempowering than anything. Leaders who believe they have all the answers seldom listen much to others, except to know how to better defend their own positions.

If leadership is truly about bringing out the best in others, leaders need to learn how to better listen to and connect with others, with a mind that is open and has room for ideas and thoughts that may oppose their own. Only then will we find the solutions that truly benefit a greater good.

No one person has all the answers themselves. Leaders are there to help others unearth and do something with their ideas so that they can become a part of a collective solution. To do this, they must place just as much importance on what others have to say as they do on their own thoughts and ideas. In cases where leaders admit they don’t have the answers, they embrace the opportunity to show their own vulnerability as well as their faith in the ability of themselves and others to find the answers together.

True leadership unites. It does not divide. 

Conflict is an inevitable part of life and relationships. It exists because we are different. We need to look at it in a way that allows us to come together and learn more about who we are and what we are able to do together. There will always be people who look different, believe differently and act differently than we do. Sometimes the things they do scare us because we don’t understand them and see them as a threat.

In every conflict, each party truly believes they are right, and most of the time they have very good reason (at least in their own minds) to think that way. The problem comes when they vilify or label others in ways that keeps us from truly learning more about what is really going on. And when we make someone else the villain, we don’t have to look at ourselves and make changes. We become entrenched and stagnated. Progress cannot occur when this happens.

We must embrace and learn from our differences. It takes greater courage to explore and learn from them than to build up walls that keep us alienated from each other. When we alienate, we keep ourselves from our own solutions.

We must also trust in our ability to work together to find solutions and get away from the blame game that sucks up our energy and leaves us frustrated and tired. When listening to a position that is contrary to our own, rather than becoming defensive, we must become curious. This practice will benefit ourselves and everyone around us. And we might learn something in the process.

Leadership brings life to our greatest dreams and visions. 

Leadership is about taking people to a higher place. But before we can go there, we must envision it and create it. We must pay attention to the ideas, thoughts and inspirations that land gently on us and beckon to be given a vehicle to enter the world. In order to do that, we need to take steps in our own lives to nurture them. These ideas come to us when we are relaxed, thoughtful, and open. This does not happen when we are rushing around putting out fires.

We must create the time in our daily lives to honor and develop our dreams, and to take care of ourselves in such a way that those dreams continue to come to us. We must pay at least as much attention to the possibilities for change and improvement that exist all around us as we do trying to keep things running the way we think they should.

Many of the things we devote our time to trying to control and improve have served their purpose and need to be replaced by something else. Leaders are those who ask the tough questions about whether what we are doing and have been doing is still in everyone’s best interests. When times change greatly, we must change with them.

We need to pay attention to the small still voice within us that dares us to be greater. And we must quiet ourselves enough to truly hear what it has to say. Then we need to have the courage to take action in spite of our fears. We must be willing to move out of our comfort zones and act boldly. And in so doing, we will model the way for others to do the same.

Puzzle image courtesy of bluebay at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Your Leadership Legacy: Why who you are is more important than what you do

Think of a leader that you admire and would like to emulate.
What is it about that person that impresses you the most? 

I often ask that question of people in my workshops. Some identify historical figures, some modern day civic leaders, athletes, musicians or public figures. Many talk about a current or previous boss they’ve had. And still others will speak of a teacher, a coach or a parent. The interesting thing about the subsequent discussion on the impressive qualities of these leaders is that it is almost never about what leaders do or have done, but rather WHO THEY ARE.

Words used to describe these people include honest, authentic, courageous, inspiring, sees the best in others and believes in them, visionary, respectful, communicative, not afraid to make mistakes, humble, engaging, walks their talk, builds a strong team, develops others, shares credit, and the list goes on.

Early in my career, I taught a lot of classes on how to lead – covering subjects like creating and communicating a compelling vision, delegation, setting goals, providing performance feedback, resolving conflict, etc. What I’ve realized through the years is that the extraordinary leaders are not necessarily people who have mastered all the techniques.

They are people who have the ability to speak to our hearts as well as our minds, and to awaken something in people that lies dormant, waiting to emerge. They then help people to tap these inner reserves and apply them to create something that makes the organization (or the world) a better place for everyone. Great leaders learn to do this by first doing it for themselves. The rest they pick up along the way.

Leadership strategies, tools and techniques fall flat unless the people who employ them have strong personal foundations. Extraordinary leaders have learned over the years who they are and they bring the best of themselves to everything they do. Much of their wisdom has come from making mistakes and learning from them in ways that allow others to benefit. They refuse to be something they are not and have the courage to take a stand. They care deeply about others, but are independent of the good opinion of others and therefore free to be themselves.

The best of leaders, regardless of role, title, or vocation, bring out the best in people. Often they see things in others before they are able to see it in themselves. From this space, they interact and communicate with the person one is becoming – the strong, capable, smart, willing, and resilient contributor who then becomes instrumental in translating vision into reality. The extraordinary leader knows that anything less than this is an illusion.

Great leaders do not make their people great. They simply help others to see the possibilities and invite them to the table. They present us with a vision and a choice and hold a space within which we can show up and grow. The rest, of course, is always up to us.

Are you a REAL Leader? What Pinocchio can teach you about becoming one.

Often when I tell people that I wrote a leadership book called The Pinocchio Principle, they assume it must have something to do with ethics. It’s understandable, since the first thing most of us think of when we hear “Pinocchio” is a puppet whose nose grew when he lied. Pinocchio could easily be used as a metaphor for people who lie through their teeth while their proverbial noses grow. I can see why some might think it is a commentary on the importance of honesty in leadership. And while being truthful to oneself and others is a vital part of being a “real” leader, the reason I picked Pinocchio as a metaphor goes much deeper than his nose.

Pinocchio is the story of a puppet who longs to become REAL. 
Like Pinocchio, at our core we too have a burning desire to become real, to bring into creation the greatness that resides somewhere within us. We are born with these impulses — to give form to our distinctive blends of talent, energy, passion and style. We come into the world equipped with far more than we are immediately able to utilize or even comprehend. And though these rich parts of ourselves are always there, they have a way of becoming latent over time.

There are people among us who have found ways to tap that well.
They draw forth bits of the magic we are all capable of. These are the people we love to watch and be around — who do what they do so well that it is an art. As they tap their inner reserves and unleash their own greatness, they inspire each of us to do the same. In this way, they are true leaders.

In Walt Disney’s rendition of Pinocchio, the puppet encounters a blue fairy. 
She tells him, “When you prove yourself to be brave, truthful, and unselfish, Pinocchio, then you will become a real boy.” One could imagine what Pinocchio might have been thinking upon hearing these words. What are these things this fairy speaks of? How do I get them? What must I do? How long will it take? Where do I start? With the promise of a dream fulfilled, he endeavors to do whatever is necessary. And the odyssey begins. The twists and turns it takes are trials we can all relate to, and challenges that I believe are a part of our human experience.

The qualities that the Blue Fairy encourages Pinocchio to demonstrate are not things he must acquire. 
They are attributes he already possesses. But in order to activate them, he must endure a series of events that allow him to realize these qualities are there and to exercise them accordingly. In order to return to himself — his true self — Pinocchio must endure a journey of trials and tribulations that first lure him away from himself. And the same kind of drama seems to unfold in one way or another for each of us.

Every one of us has within us an animating genius.
This genius yearns to take different forms depending on who we are. Real leaders could be defined as those whose animating genius longs to create something for the greatest good, which is ultimately accomplished for, with and through others. It has a keen ability to look around, see possibilities and utilize resources in a way that brings something into existence that benefits others, whether that is a family, a community, a non-profit organization, a corporation, or the world at large. To accomplish this, leaders have the distinct charge of working with others in a way that brings out their best — that allows those we can impact to find the animating genius within them and apply it in service of accomplishing a common goal.

Before leaders can bring out animating genius in others, they must start with themselves.
Many of us associate the primary meaning of “to lead” as directing something on a given course, or being in charge, and this can be one of the functions of leadership. But the essence of leadership is much more than this. The Merriam Webster Dictionary has the following entry as the first definition listed for the word “lead”: “a: to guide on a way especially by going in advance.”

If one of the essential functions of a leader is to bring out the best in others, this definition would suggest doing so requires that leaders first bring out the best in themselves. This, in and of itself, is the very same odyssey our friend Pinocchio finds himself on: to discover and liberate within himself what is real — divinely inspired genius — and to courageously apply it in a way that is truthful and unselfish.

I wrote The Pinocchio Principle to serve as a roadmap for bringing out the best in yourself and others. My desire is to help people bring to fruition their greatest dreams and visions and better navigate through the perils and possibilities along the way. The book was written to help you:

• Better differentiate what is true within yourself from the conditioning that would have you acting in ways that are inauthentic and self-defeating
• Gain clarity on your unique call to leadership and leverage your experiences to prepare for something bigger
• Explore navigational tools that will help you determine the extent to which you are on or off course and the direction you need to take next on your journey to becoming a real leader
• Recognize and prevent assumptions and beliefs (your strings) that keep you from your greatest work so that you can utilize ego in service to Spirit
• Recognize and steer clear of the elusive promises (Pleasure Island) that divert you from your truest fulfillment
• Face your greatest fears (the belly of the whale) in a transformational way that will reunite you with your own determination, courage and heroism
• Rediscover the power that lies within us all (the fairy’s wand) to create and live our dreams
• Find ways to return to the quiet places within yourself that nurture and inform your greatest visions

The ultimate odyssey is always that of self-discovery. Every challenge, every opportunity gives us a chance to learn more about who we really are and to utilize our inherent gifts in service to something greater than ourselves. When we give ourselves completely to the journey and find meaning in each step along the way, we will truly live. And through our example and the unique contributions we all have to make in the world, we will truly lead.

Image courtesy of africa at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Lessons from my 3 year old mentor – and a question worth considering

We stepped out into the crisp January air, her small, sweet hand wrapped in mine. She smiled with her whole body as we began our walk to the park. Each of my steps was two or three for her. We paused often to smell flowers and watch bugs zig zag across the sidewalk. The sun’s rays danced on the leaves of the elm trees above us and filtered softly onto our shoulders. The birds showered us with song.

It was a brand new day. A brand new year, for that matter. And we were seizing it.

My morning with my three year old niece was a liberating one. It took us twenty glorious minutes to make our way a few hundred yards from the house my husband grew up in to the old elementary school grounds down the street. When we got there, Lucy stretched her arms out like wings and ran joyfully across the playground as the wind playfully tossed her wavy blond locks and almost seemed to lift her off the ground. She was freedom personified. Sheer joy. Exuberance.

And I thought, this is what I want more of in my life.

Maybe it was the week of vacation that preceded our little walk that allowed me to forget about all the thoughts that had furiously competed for my attention before we left for our trip. Perhaps it was being a few hundred miles away from home and all the things that needed to be done – tasks yet to be finished and those yet to come. Or maybe it was the sheer inspiration of my beautiful little companion that allowed me to be fully and completely present, immersing myself in each moment and allowing it to unfold without any interference on my part. I felt alive. Vibrant. Happy.

We tottered on balance beams, skipped across hopscotch squares, and visited a coop of chickens, watching them peck at the ground and contemplating what each bird’s name should be. But the highlight of our little jaunt was the tall, spiraling slide that crowned the jungle gym. Lucy had decided she wanted to ride down on my lap. We got half way up and stopped. She looked up to our destination, and then down from where we had started and said, “That’s high.”

“Yes, it is sweetie,” I replied. “We don’t have to go up there if you don’t want to.”

She looked at me for a moment and then wrinkled her brow with determination and resolve. “I want to slide!”

“OK then. Here we go…” We climbed the last couple of steps and squatted onto the platform. Lucy sat tall on my lap, brimming with courage and delight. “One, two, three!” As we let go and spiraled down the slide, the squeal of her laughter brought a wild and uninhibited smile to my face.

And I thought again, this is what I need more of in my life. Maybe this is what we all need more of in our lives.

I know. It’s easy for a three year old to experience sheer joy and bliss at the very prospect of being alive. They have no responsibilities, no bills to pay, no people depending on them. They have yet to experience heartbreak, disappointment, and disillusionment. And let’s face it – our adult lives are a lot more complicated than a day at the park playing hopscotch and watching bugs and chickens. I still can’t help but think about it.

Now, back at my desk, staring at my Outlook calendar, I can still feel the childlike wonder and euphoria of that day. It begs the question, how can I bring more of that to my life? To my work? To the world?

This question has begun to deepen and grow roots. It has taken on a life of its own. It peeks out from my computer screen and beckons to me. It lands softly in my mind as I drive to and from appointments. It jumps out of file folders and onto my desk. It takes a seat at the table when I meet with my clients. And it brings with it more questions…

What if we could somehow strip our daily activities of the assumptions and heaviness they have accumulated over the years and approach things with the same sense of curiosity and delight that little Lucy did on that beautiful January morning?

Could we rediscover and ignite our passion for living in all the many areas of our lives – including the countless hours we spend at work?

Could we find a way to mute the thoughts that keep us from being totally present with people in our lives so that we could really be with them?

Could we let go of our preconceived ideas of how things are supposed to be and allow them to unfold the way they need to, trusting that we will summon whatever resources are necessary to deal with things as they come?

Could we respond to situations that push us out of our comfort zones with the fortitude and tenacity that Lucy displayed on the towering spiral slide?

Imagine what life would be like if we did… How much more joy we would experience. How creative we could be. How courageous and resilient. How our relationships would deepen and grow. How meaningful our work would become.

I, for one, think it’s a question worth considering. And just maybe, the very attention we put on the question will begin to illuminate the answers we need most.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

For more on reconnecting with your childlike sense of wonder and joy, check out my book The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming a Real Leader now available in both ebook and paperback formats on Amazon.

Why letting go of the old helps you succeed with the new (and how to do it)

What is it that you are longing to create in the coming year?
And what do you need to let go of in order to allow it to fully take root?

Every year, we are encouraged to set New Year’s resolutions. We are a goal driven society that is conditioned to seek more. Our egos desire more money, more fame and prestige, and more stuff. A deeper part of ourselves longs for more peace, more meaning, and more purpose in our lives. We want to move beyond our previous realizations of what we’ve already accomplished to master newer, better ways of doing things –whether that be what we create in our lives or in our organizations – and as leaders what we are able to inspire others to do as well.

Though it is tempting to occupy ourselves with thoughts of how we can go about achieving all of this and what we need to do more of, perhaps what we really need to start with is what we need to do less of – what we need to let go of in order to create the space for something new to come in. We are constantly evolving as human beings – and as communities of human beings. It is so easy to look to the past to define who we are though the things we’ve already done – goals we’ve achieved, titles we’ve acquired, creations we have built. Our previous experiences coagulate to form an identity that is easy to confuse with our true nature.

The fact of the matter is, you are not your accomplishments, your creations, or the sum total of the various roles you play in your life – manager, director, vice president, mother, father, friend, son, daughter, etc. You are much, much more than that. Your potential is limitless.

And yet, we limit ourselves by these definitions. They filter the experiences we allow ourselves to have and compel us to define the form that our deepest longings should take. In order to be happy, we reason – we must get that promotion, achieve this or that particular goal, hit that target. So we continue to go through the motions, doing the kinds of things we’ve always done – on a sort of auto pilot.

Some of this may bring satisfaction, and some may bring a growing source of discontentment. We need to attune ourselves to that which brings us the most of what we truly desire and open ourselves to the possibility that what we really want may need to come in a form that has previously been undefined for us. In short, we must allow ourselves to surrender what we think we know to open up to the mystery that is unfolding in each of our lives.

Easier said than done, right? How exactly do you go about letting go of the known when it is all you know?

We can take our cues from nature. Snakes and other reptiles shed their skin, trees drop their leaves, and caterpillars create cocoons in which their forms entirely dissolve before recreating themselves in the form of butterflies. Even a fish in a bowl cannot stay in water that contains its excrement – the waste must either be emptied and replaced with new water, or absorbed by something else that will remove it from the fish’s environment. Without engaging in these renewing processes, these creatures will die. And so it is of us. Many of us are already walking around encased in layers of old, dead stuff that needs to be released.

What are you holding onto in your life that has run its course? What are the old outmoded ways of doing things that no longer bring you energy? What are the things you’ve acquired that you no longer need? What beliefs are you holding onto that are no longer true for you?

Pay attention to the times that you feel constricted, anxious, or tired and in those moments ask what you can let go of. Don’t be afraid of the answer. Though it may frighten you because it introduces an element of the unknown, following these insights will always lead to freedom and liberation.

Your computer can only handle so much data. If you do not delete old email and get rid of files that have been accumulating over the years, and if you continue to add new programs without deleting old ones, you will find that it becomes sluggish and unresponsive. Just as freeing up space allows your computer to process things more quickly, so too will clearing your own personal space (whether of things or thoughts) allow you to access new levels of clarity and creativity.

You will breathe easier, be more present in every action and interaction you partake of, and bring more of who you really are to what you do. And you will open up the space of possibility that will allow something to come in that may surprise and delight you. Rather than being something you slave away for, it will simply emerge and reveal itself to you.

And of course, any work you do on yourself will serve as a form of leadership for others who, like you, seek their own answers and could benefit from your example of unearthing what is possible and allowing it to take form in new and unexpected ways.

Butterfly photo by wiangya.

Give Presence: Three steps for creating the gift that everyone needs most

As we move through the holiday season and approach the end of the calendar year, people often find themselves in a bit of a frenzy racing from one activity to the next, their heads filled with chatter and a continually growing list of things to do. It is easy to lose ourselves in a flurry of activity and miss out on the purpose behind all the things we tend to do at this time of the year. If you have ever found yourself collapsing in a heap wondering where the time went and feeling depleted rather than filled by the holiday spirit, you know what I’m talking about.

When your pocketbook has reached the place where there just isn’t a lot more give, take comfort in the fact that there is a gift you can share that transcends all others and won’t cost you a thing. It is the gift of presence, a state that allows us to truly bring out the best in ourselves so that we can do the same for others.

The gift of presence is one that allows everyone to receive its benefits, and you can experience it wherever you are — whether in a meeting, running an errand, sitting at your desk, or in a conversation with someone important to you. This practice has the power to transform the way you experience your daily life and what it allows you to create for yourself and others — without really doing anything at all.

Can you recall the last time you felt totally and completely attended to?

Chances are it wasn’t when someone was giving you advice or telling you what to do. It may not have even been when someone was engaging in an activity on your behalf or watching you tear open a gift. And yet when we think of giving something to others our minds often immediately jump to what we can do, say or buy for someone. Many times the best gift we can give someone is that of our presence.

But what exactly is presence?

The word present derives from the Latin past participle praesse meaning “to be before one”, from the roots pra –pre + esse – to be. I believe presence is a state of being that’s achieved when we are truly in the moment, allowing it to unfold without judging it, labeling it, or getting lost in our thoughts about what it means or what we believe should be happening next (or instead).

Presence allows us to cut through the clamor of our preoccupations, worries and fears so that our true selves can emerge. It is a gateway through which our intuition and inner wisdom enters and expresses itself. A moment of presence is a state of grace that can produce great insights that help us to truly learn from our experiences, make the most of our opportunities and rise up to our challenges in creative ways. In these moments of presence, we know who we really are and what we are truly capable of.

Have you ever noticed that people tend to match each other’s intensity and tone when they are together? Comments about trivial matters are often matched with similar banter. Expressions of fear or dread often elicit responses that are equally charged, and expressions of anger have a way of provoking reactions that people later regret. In a similar manner, moments of presence when shared with others can evoke powerful responses that can be revealing and transformational.

This is because when you are truly present with another human being you create a space that allows that person’s true self to come out as well. This is why the best leaders have learned to become comfortable with silence, to listen more than they talk, and to allow themselves to become instruments that help others to recognize their own greatness – not necessarily through anything that say or do, but rather through moments of presence that are created and shared with others.

So how does one cultivate a moment of presence?

It is really rather simple, though far easier said than done.

(1) The first step is to be still. That’s right. Sit still. I know it goes against everything you were probably taught about getting things done and being useful. But do it anyway. You can practice now, while you read this. Become aware of your breathing, of the space you are sitting in, of the weight of your body and how it feels in this moment. Feel the life inside you and trace it to each part of your body. Listen to the sounds around you. Take a deep breath. Let it out slowly.

(2) Become aware of your thoughts. Observe the activity of your mind as it continues to process whatever is there– thoughts like, “this is silly, really – I have way to much to do to be sitting here, doing this…” and “I have to remember to call so and so back today,” and “What did my [boss, colleague, friend, etc.] mean when he/she said…”. Recognize that you are not your thoughts, but rather the thinker of your thoughts. Simply watch them parade around, without getting sucked into them. Feel how much bigger you are than all of that. Continue to breathe it in.

(3) Step three…. There really is no step three. Simply continue to repeat steps one and two, immersing yourself more deeply into the experience with each breath. You don’t need to do this for an extended period of time, unless you want to. Often even a couple of minutes are sufficient to bring you to a more intense state of awareness and aliveness.

In these moments of presence, you will experience things on a different level – one that allows you to respond from a deeper, wiser part of yourself. And when you are with others, you will bring out that deeper, wiser part of them as well. Presence is incredibly powerful to practice with others. The process is the same, except that you expand your awareness to take in the other person as well. Look into their eyes, and listen to what they are saying. But listen to what they are not saying as well. Presence is more about being than doing. So allow yourself to truly BE with another, devoid of judgments, labels, and agendas. When you listen from this place, you are like water to a thirsty plant, allowing others to open up and soak in needed nutrients. And in this space, they may just find the answers they seek as well – not because you are giving them, but because you have created a space that is illuminating for everyone.

This article was originally published on Diane Bolden’s Synchronistically Speaking blog.

Diane Bolden is passionate about helping people actualize their brilliance in a way that inspires others to do the same. In addition to being the author of The Pinocchio Principle ~ Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be, Diane is an executive coach, speaker, yoga enthusiast and mother of three. Visit Diane’s Synchronistically Speaking blog, follow her on Twitter, or visit her You Tube channel for more.

Picture by scottchan.

Lightening Your Load: How to bust out of overwhelm and get things done

Have you ever noticed that your experience directly reflects your state of mind?

When our minds are cluttered, our surroundings have a way of mirroring that. Feelings of being scattered are often accompanied by piles of unfinished business everywhere you look or lists and notes of things to do that seem to multiply. When you feel heavy and bogged down, everything you do will feel harder and more cumbersome.

You may think that the way you feel is a result of your experiences, and that is
true. The more you have to do, the more overwhelmed you will feel. But the reverse also applies — the more overwhelmed you feel, the more you are likely to approach things in a way that draws them out — perhaps by procrastinating, making things more complicated than they need to be, or using more energy to resist and worry than it would take to actually get things done.

But beware of the trap this thinking creates.
If we become fixated on evidence that suggests we can never rise above the way we are feeling, we ensnare ourselves in vicious circles where we will continue to experience what we long to rise above and feel the frustration of not being able to break free. In fact, our frame of mind with everything we do will have a direct effect on whether the experience of doing it will be exhilarating and satisfying or frustrating and heavy.

The stories we tell ourselves have a way of coming true – “There’s just way too much to do and not enough time to do it. I’m too busy to do anything fun, to take time out for my family, friends or myself, to ever get beyond the day to day and into those things I dream about…”

The way out of the traps we set for ourselves is to start with our thoughts.
The other day, I turned into my driveway and caught sight of hedges that needed trimming. “Wouldn’t it be fun to drop everything and go cut those right now – to just get out there and work in the yard for awhile?” I found myself thinking. And then I laughed as I realized that this task that seemed so enjoyable compared to the list of things on my plate at that moment was one of the very things I was dreading a few weekends ago. The task itself hadn’t changed, just the way I was thinking about it.

And it hit me that perhaps there was a way to transform all the things I needed to do that day — which were really bringing me down — into experiences that could be lighter and simpler — and maybe even fun.

The key had to be in the way that I approached things – in what I was believing about them, and what I was focusing on as I did them.

As I became aware of my attitude toward the tasks at hand, I realized that I was more fixated on checking the box than I was on enjoying the experience. And I was also swept up in the belief that the work ahead of me was going to be hard, onerous and complicated.

What if all that changed? What if instead of believing I had to get everything done perfectly, I just played at things, took myself a little less seriously, and lightened up a bit? And what if instead of believing I needed to get it ALL done, I just focused on what was most important — most aligned with the highest priorities in my day and in my life? And what if instead of driving solely toward the outcome, I allowed myself to be fully present in every moment that led up to it? Hmmmn.

Marcel Proust once said “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” And I have also heard it said that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

There is no better time to apply this than during the holiday season.
In the latter part of each year the spirit of giving, joy, celebration and miracles often gives way to stress, fatigue and overwhelm as harried people run themselves ragged trying to check a bunch of boxes and take care of their regular responsibilities and routines in addition to a multitude of additional tasks that often feel more cumbersome than joyful.

The paradox is that even things we do that are meant to be fun can become overwhelming when our focus shifts from the joy of doing them to the desire to get them done and behind us.

The fundamental shift must come not in what we do, or even how we do it, but what we are thinking, believing and allowing ourselves to feel about what we are doing.

To this end, setting an intention or statement of our desired experience can be very powerful. If what we want is greater freedom and joy, more meaning and satisfaction and heightened effectiveness, we must align our thoughts around enjoying those experiences before we even start. And we need to become diligently aware of the degree to which our thoughts stay aligned with our overarching intention. When they drift, we can come back to them, remember what we really want, and align ourselves with the state we wish to be in once again.

In this way, we break the vicious cycle of allowing our experiences to bring us down in ways that result in more lousy experiences — and begin anew.
We consciously align our thoughts with what we most want, rather than letting them denigrate into the negative emotional states we seek to rise above. Our actions align with our thoughts, and we find ourselves coming up with creative ways to simplify, get focused on what is most important and get it done while enjoying ourselves in the process – and sharing our joy with everyone around us.

Are you exhausted? What to do when you just can’t do another thing

“When I’m not running in circles, I’m pretty much collapsing in a heap.”

That flew out of my mouth one day when I was on a call with a few of my friends trying to find a time to get together. They told me it should be the title of my next book.

And yet, I know the importance of taking regular time to rest. Well, intellectually anyway. I can see it in my clients – when they begin to tell me the same things over and over — when all they can seem to talk about is what they have to do, or how exhausted they are. And I certainly know it from my own experience. It’s that old familiar feeling of rolling a huge ball up a hill only to have it come careening back down again.

There is never a shortage of things to do, people to get back to, and in my case, kids to shuttle from practice to sporting event to some other gathering. I know I need a time out when my surroundings begin to reflect my state of mind – becoming cluttered, messy, and completely disordered. When I am tired, I don’t make decisions very well (if at all). I tend to leave them for later, when I will have a little more energy. But then I use the piles that have accumulated around me as an excuse for why I cannot rest – at least not now – not with everything looking like this! And the cycle continues.

My head tells me this makes perfect sense. But my heart and the rest of my body is screaming for relief.

In yoga classes, there is something called “child’s pose”. You start by getting on your knees and sitting back on your heels. The knees can stay together or move wider apart. And then you simply lean forward slowly onto the ground with your arms either by your side or stretched out in front of you. Every time I get into that pose, I am reminded of how at least one of my children liked to fall asleep when they were babies.

Yoga instructors tell people that the most important thing in yoga is the breath. It is important to breathe full and evenly in and out your nose. When your breathing becomes uneven or choppy, when you start to lose your breath in yoga, you will be encouraged to return to this child’s pose until your breathing evens out again.

At the end of yoga classes, there is a pose – one of my favorites – called “shivasana”. This one consists of laying flat on your back and relaxing every part of your body while you allow yourself to sink into the floor for about three to five minutes. It’s the pose that allows your body to integrate all the work you did in the class that preceded it. And many will tell you it is the most important pose in yoga. And yet, I often see people leaving the class instead of allowing themselves to experience it.

But I get it. We are a society that is driven to do more, to be more, to be busy, and to always step things up a notch. The thing is, when we insist on speeding up when we really need to slow down, we lose touch with the wiser, calmer part of ourselves that has all our answers. We run around doing things that may not even need to get done, and creating more piles and messes for ourselves that we’ll have to clean up later. We may run fast, but it is often in a direction that doesn’t serve us — or anyone else for that matter. And it often leads us to crash into walls we would have avoided if we weren’t so tired.

Sometimes you’ll get a rush when you do that. A rush of adrenaline, maybe. Or a little sense of accomplishment or importance that comes with being really busy. But my experience is that it is usually fleeting and often replaced by a feeling of exhaustion and overwhelm and a somewhat panic induced state that leads me to believe I have to run twice as fast just to keep up.

I used to think that in order to replenish my batteries, I needed to take a long vacation – leave and go somewhere else, sip a pretty drink on a beach or sleep for days. And while that is nice, it’s not always necessary. What I’ve learned – and need to remind myself of periodically – is that it is often a matter of simply pausing every once in a while to check in with myself. It is doing something that interrupts the autopilot nature of the running in circles thing. It’s like looking into a pond that has been churning so fast that the water is murky. Instead of continuing to make all kinds of commotion, you sit for a few moments and let the water become still until the swirling debris sinks to the bottom and the water becomes clear.

Sometimes this takes the form of a power nap for me. Even just fifteen minutes of resting my head will do wonders. Other times it’s a little walk that allows me to breathe deeply and move around a bit. Sometimes it’s grabbing a cup of coffee with a friend and getting a little distance from whatever is going on. And sometimes it means saying NO to things I really don’t have time to do. Often the clarity and the courage I need to do that comes from the brief pause I took that allowed me to realize whatever I was about to say yes to wouldn’t really have been for the best.

These little pauses shouldn’t be reserved for the times that we feel like we just can’t do another thing. We need to give them to ourselves frequently. Research indicates that people need a fifteen minute break after ninety minutes of concentration – and some studies suggest that we would benefit from a five minute break after every twenty five minutes. You might think you are losing (or wasting) precious time, but you’ll find that it is more like an investment that pays dividends when you come back from your short break and are able to do in twenty minutes what would have otherwise taken an hour.

So, if you are feeling overwhelmed or exhausted – as though you need to move faster but just can’t seem to find the energy – try slowing down for a little while. Press the pause button. Find your child’s pose and catch your breath – whatever that may be for you. Let the dust settle until you can see clearly again. Chances are that when it does, you will know just what you need to do – or NOT do. And you will meet whatever challenge or opportunity awaits you with a fresh mind and a new energy and vitality – one that allows you to access the wisdom, creativity and resilience you need most.

“You have to put in the clutch to shift gears. You
have to let go to re-engage at another, more high-
leveraged ratio. And when you least feel like slowi
ng down may be the most critical time to do it.”

– David Allen’s Productivity Principles

Tired business people image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Miracles in Disguise: How the worst things that happen to you can become some of the best

“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.”

~ Albert Einstein

I’ve worked with a handful of clients who unexpectedly lost their jobs after working for over twenty years with the same company. The funny thing is that these people knew they were ready for something greater before it happened. In our coaching meetings, they would often talk about wanting to strike out in new directions, take on bigger challenges, live and lead in a deeper and bolder ways than before. And few of them would have likely sought out new opportunities if things hadn’t worked out the way they did.

In the midst of the changes, it’s likely that they felt as though their universes were falling apart. Much of what was familiar was coming to a close as they were thrust into a world where nothing was certain and forced to begin again. They were brought face to face with the question, “what do I most want for myself now?” and challenged to take action that would lead them in new directions.

More and more it seems people are asking that question with fervor – “What do I most want for myself now?” Some feel they are ready for new adventures. Others long for deeper connections with people. Many just want to experience the same passion for their work and their lives that they did when they were younger – to feel a part of something bigger than themselves – to work at something worth working for, and to bring more of their true talent and gifts into the world.

And the world needs those talents and gifts more now than ever. When we come to a place where we are willing to truly open ourselves up to that question of what we most want – we set into motion a series of events that allow us to move closer to the answers we seek. And sometimes they come in packages that we didn’t anticipate and don’t immediately appreciate.

But as we look back on our lives, we can begin to see that the very things that frustrated and pushed us to our limits were exactly what we needed to be able to know more about who we are and what we are here to do.

As I reflect on the myriad of disappointments I’ve experienced over the course of my life, I have begun to appreciate them and even become grateful for them. I recall jobs and promotions I thought I wanted more than anything that would have kept me from experiences that allowed me to get to where I am now. I remember times in my life where it seemed the bottom had dropped out that stripped me to my core and required me be honest with myself. And I also recall people who pushed my buttons, irritated or challenged me in one way or another that led me to exercise
courage, patience, tolerance – and in some cases assertiveness – that I needed to develop in myself.

As Thanksgiving nears, in addition to being grateful for all the many blessings in my life, I find myself grateful for my unanswered prayers – the ones that would have had me going in a direction that wouldn’t have served me or others in quite the same way. I am grateful for the difficult people in my life, who have challenged me to look at things (including myself) differently and find new ways of relating. I thank God for the trials I didn’t think I could endure and the resilience and courage I was able to tap into because of them. And I am grateful that over time I have been able to laugh at the things that happen to me as well as all the people who have been there (or somewhere similar before) who have laughed (and sometimes cried) right along with me.

I am grateful for every client I have ever worked with who has given me the opportunity to learn from their experiences – to see one more example of the strange and wonderful ways that miracles manifest themselves in everyday life. 

I wish for you – and myself – the ability to always appreciate the blessings that always surround us – the ones that lift us up as well as the ones that seem to strike us down. And to open ourselves up to the ways in which every one of them has the transformational power to bring us closer to our most precious dreams and visions.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

Arrow picture by ntwowe from FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

My Personal Career Comeback: Five lessons learned that can benefit you too

Have you ever had a career disappointment that shook you to your core? I did, and it was early in my career. When it first happened, I was bitter, frustrated and scared. But what I ended up learning from the experience was pivotal to my future. And to this day, I am still grateful.

 

THE SITUATION:

My first job after college was at an advertising agency. Having yet to arrive at the realization of what I wanted to do with my life, I took the job because it had elements of what I studied in college: English, business and communication – and because it sounded fun and interesting. I started as an administrative assistant with the promise that it wouldn’t be long before I would be promoted into something a bit more substantive.

Turns out advertising just wasn’t my thing. The work itself didn’t pique much interest in me, but I was intrigued with the organization and the people in it. Turnover was high, morale was low, and the customer was an afterthought. I knew that all that could be changed – that something could be done to allow people to feel more alive in their jobs, to ensure that the customer was happy, that the company was growing and profitable.

So I got to work talking to people.
I interviewed smart, ambitious entry level personnel, who felt discouraged and overlooked when the jobs they were working toward were filled by people
from outside of the company. I talked to new creative staff and account executives who came in and hit the ground running, knowing little about the agency or its customer. I spoke with seasoned executives who lamented that no one seemed to
care about what was most important anymore.

I integrated all their insights, ideas and suggestions with my own observations and created a proposal to implement a program that would allow seasoned people to train and mentor newer folks, better integrate with the customer, and grow the
business from within.

Knowing little about corporate politics, I went straight to the VP of Operations with my proposal to create the program and allow me to run it. He listened intently, asked several questions, and arranged subsequent meetings with others in the company. It wasn’t long before a position was created. My boss at the time, who wasn’t impressed with my lack of passion for being an administrative assistant or the fact that I went over her head with my proposal (which I never even told her I was working on) was outraged.

She called upon her networks to put a stop to things. A few days later I was told that while the company was going to create the position and launch the
program I proposed, because of all the controversy, they could not allow me to head it up. I was crushed. I remember walking across the agency’s glossy floors and out the tall glass double doors of the building, burning with animosity, rage, and frustration at the seeming injustice of it all.

THE STRATEGY:

In the weeks that followed, the anger and bitterness gradually released me from its grip and I began to feel a sense of calm clarity. I was onto something here. Maybe there was a way that I could work with corporations, organizations and people themselves to bring out their latent talent and harness it in a way that could contribute to a common goal. I went to the local bookstore and bought a copy of What Color is Your Parachute and dedicated myself to doing the soul searching exercises there and taking action to learn about work and potential opportunities that were more aligned with my core talents, interests and passions.

Somewhere in my search I discovered that in many corporations there was a department called organization development that employed people to do the kind of things I tried to do at the advertising agency, and more of the kind of work that truly excited and inspired me. I began to ask around and find people who actually did these jobs. Some of them were people that friends of mine knew. 

I began to interview them, asking about how they got started, what they loved and didn’t love so much about their jobs, and what advice they would have for someone like me who wanted to  break into the field. At the end of every interview, I asked for the names and numbers of three more people they would recommend I speak with. I ended up building a pretty great network and it wasn’t long before one of the people I spoke with called me with an opportunity to do an internship at a local hospital in their organization development department.

I was thrilled and ended up learning the ropes from incredibly talented mentors who allowed me to take part in projects that were intriguing, challenging and incredibly rewarding. I was an intern for less than a year before I was offered a permanent position doing satisfying and empowering work I didn’t even realize was out there when I was scratching my head back in college trying to answer the question of what I wanted to do with my life. And each subsequent opportunity I have had has helped me further refine and hone what I love to do into a career that
lights me up allows me to continue to grow and evolve.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Among the many things I learned from that experience are the following:

• That defining moment led me on a search that would allow me to find ways to do more of the work that beckoned to me. It launched a chain of events that has led me to learn more about myself and make the most of experiences that would further prepare me for the work that I do now. And I am grateful – so completely and utterly grateful – that it happened, though at the time I thought it was the worst possible thing.

• Sometimes the biggest disappointments are actually precursors to the most amazing opportunities. I learned not to allow my frustration, anger and sadness (even if it is justified) to blind me to what is knocking on my door. I learned to let myself be angry for a short period if I need to and then challenge myself to figure out what positive action to take to get closer to where I really want to be. I try to focus my energy and attention into moving toward something I want rather than away from something I don’t want.

• It’s okay if I don’t know exactly what I want to do with my life. This experience taught me that anything I do will prepare me for whatever I’ll do next. I may not know exactly the kind of work that is my best fit until I see what is out there and notice what excites me and what doesn’t. If I can find a way to love the job I’m in, I will benefit by learning more about myself and developing skills that I will be able to use anywhere I go.

• I realized that I don’t necessarily have to leave my job or the company I work for to do something that I love. If I pay attention to what intrigues me and take action to align my natural curiosities and talents with the unmet needs I see wherever I am, it’s possible that the solutions I propose could land me a whole new role – one that is custom designed for me, even when there are no jobs posted on the company’s internal job board.

• I learned the importance of being willing to take a risk and let go of needing my career to turn out exactly the way I think it should. Even though I initially thought the risk I took ended in failure when I didn’t get the position I helped create, it ended up opening my eyes to opportunities I didn’t even know existed. It prepared me for a career in an organization that was far more aligned with my interests and values.

Over the years I’ve learned more about the nuances of corporate politics and the best ways to influence change that my younger, more naive self never appreciated or understood. And I’ve continued to push the envelope by proposing solutions to problems I noticed were going unaddressed (even when they didn’t technically fall within my job description). Some of these proposals panned out and yielded new and amazing opportunities, and others did not. And I probably learned more from each of those attempts than anything I studied in school.

In the end though, I realized the most vital lesson of all is that the worst (and only real) failure is failure to act – to try new things, to push yourself to realize more of your potential, and to apply it in ways that benefit others. Because as long as you have that, you can always make a comeback.

Future photo by graur razvan ionut from FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Light bulb photo by Pixomar from FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Open mind photo by Idea go from FreeDigitalPhotos.net.