Finding Your Zone: Three tips for stepping into your brilliance

I had the good fortune of seeing Tom Petty in concert a few years ago. His opening act was Chuck Berry. At age 83 , he performed with just as much energy and passion that he did fifty years ago. And then TP and the Heartbreakers took the stage. They rocked the house. The very first song brought people out of their seats and transported them to a place that transcended time and space and leave all their worries, tension and stress behind.

I love to watch people who have mastered their craft enter their zones. They are captivating, uplifting and inspiring. And their energy is contagious. They have the ability to connect with people they may never actually know personally, and somehow leave them in a better state than they were before. Their impact on us remains long after we have parted ways.

It’s easy to see this state of grace in people who perform – like musicians, actors, athletes, speakers, dancers, etc. But any of us can get into a zone that allows us to experience a state of flow and oneness with our work that feels effortless and transformational.

As I watched Tom Petty perform, I noticed three things he did that I consider pivotal to finding your zone – no matter who you are or what you do.

(1) Don’t take yourself too seriously.

“It’s all right if you love me. It’s all right if you don’t.” A classic line from a classic Tom Petty song. I imagine there may have been a time when Tom Petty cared a lot about what people thought of him. Most of us have gotten hung up on worrying about others’ opinions at one time or another. Desiring approval and admiration isn’t a crime. And there is nothing wrong with wanting success. But getting too attached to it can have adverse effects. It’ll trip you up and keep you from finding your zone. There is a sweet spot that Tom Petty and other great masters of their crafts have found – one that allows them to play at success without becoming preoccupied with it. The paradox is that letting go of the burning need for success seems to have a way of somehow opening the gates so that it can come in – and it makes everything a lot more fun too.

(2) Be WHERE you are.

The timeless place Tom Petty transported his audience to was largely a product of his own ability to completely immerse himself in the moment. He could not have been more present. When you are present, you don’t fret over things that happened yesterday or worry about what might happen tomorrow. You simply allow things to unfold around you in such a way that you can remain tuned in and turned on. You connect with your intuition. You act on your insights and learn to improvise. Rather than waiting for the “right opportunity” to do what you love, you begin where you are and allow everything that you do to be an expression of love in and of itself. And you create a space that connects us to others in profound ways.

(3) Be WHO you are.

Tom Petty’s voice is distinctive. And so is his style. Maybe he found it right away. Maybe, like many of us, he started out by emulating someone else before he discovered that what came naturally to him was better than anything else. Great artists often learn by studying and imitating the work of other artists. But the best of the best eventually break out of the mold and find their unique style. The same is true for each of us. We begin our lives by learning from and mirroring others, but at some point the time comes for us to step into and embrace our uniqueness. Gradually, we learn to trust that our unique gifts are there for a reason and find ways to utilize them. As we believe in ourselves and our ability to contribute to something greater than ourselves, our work – like that of Tom Petty and ChuckBerry – becomes an inspiration to others.

As I was leaving the stadium after the concert had ended, I saw a man on the sidewalk playing his heart out on a tenor sax. He was standing next to a large cardboard sign on which was written in bold black letters the words:

“YOU HAVE GREATNESS WITHIN YOU.

SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND YOUR DREAMS

AND THEY WILL COME TRUE.”

I couldn’t agree more.

The Power of Presence: How to lead without saying a word

“We can do more good by being good, than in any other way.”

– Rowland Hill

On my way to an appointment the other day, I made a right turn and couldn’t help but notice the expressions of people in each of the cars in line waiting to turn left.

One woman’s face was forlorn and her head drooped over the steering wheel. The car behind her contained a woman whose smile and upward glance beamed joy and anticipation. The face of the man in the car after her looked like a clenched fist and his shoulders were scrunched up next to his ears. His free hand clutched a blackberry, onto which his eyes were glued.

I smiled as I realized that I could relate to each of these people.

I have worn all their various expressions and postures at one time or another. And it occurred to me that I could wear any of their countenances as the day progressed. Which would I choose? The answer to that question could very well have determined the quality of my entire day, and could also quite likely have impacted those around me as well.

Every once in a while when I go out running I see a little old man riding a beach cruiser.

In the dawn hours, as the sun begins to peek above the horizon, the light glistens across his handlebars. He is a fairly round man with fuzzy white hair and bright blue eyes. He pedals so slowly that it is a wonder he and his bicycle don’t just fall over. But what is most striking about him is that he is always smiling.

Every time I see this man, rain or shine, he seems to have something to be happy about.

And his smile isn’t just the polite grin that people often quickly exchange as they enter each other’s space. It is the kind that comes from a deep contentment and wonderment with life. The little light on his bicycle shines brightly at the crack of dawn, but the glow around him is even more radiant. I find myself hoping to see him on my morning runs and experiencing waves of joy and delight every time I do – feeling lighter and happier just for having crossed his path. His presence alone is truly inspiring.

I think radiating a positive presence is essential to being a leader. And to have this kind of influence and effect on others, you don’t have to have a fancy title, a bunch of people reporting to you, or even work in an organization at all. People pick up, consciously and subconsciously on the energy we emanate – and for better or worse, those we spend a lot of time around will often align themselves with it.

True leaders – in any vocation – are conscious of their presence and the tone it sets. They use it to uplift and inspire others, perceiving the brilliance of everyone and everything around them and graciously reflecting it back.
I wonder whether that sweet little man on the beach cruiser has any idea of how profoundly he has impacted me. And I wonder if you realize the effect you can have on the lives of everyone around you as well… maybe without even having to say a word.

Want to create an inspired workplace? Three examples to light your way.

As an executive coach, I work with leaders in both large and small organizations – who are passionate about creating inspired workplaces.

They aren’t sure how to do it. They aren’t sure people will respond favorably. They aren’t sure it will work at all.

They want to break the unspoken, unwritten rules of organizations that say…

…. that the version of yourself you bring to work is different than who you are at home.

…that work is a place where you do what your boss says and don’t ask a lot of questions.

…that you have to suck it up when what you are tasked to do doesn’t really jive with who you are.

…that you have to keep your head down and just make it through the day, the week, the month, the year and collect your paycheck regularly enough to feed your family and make ends meet.

These leaders inspire me.

They have come to a place where they know there has to be more to life than just going through the motions, getting through the day, doing what’s required, going home and turning on the TV until the next day comes. They want more for themselves and they want more for their people.

Some of them are in organizations that have some pretty traditional structures and old paradigms.

Not intentionally designed to limit people, but born of cultures that despite the latest management trends and empowerment classes on possibility thinking and shared vision still reward command and control, lead to power plays and foster the idea that if you don’t watch your back you could get stabbed.

One of my clients was discouraged by his boss from getting too close to his subordinates.

He was told doing so could cause him to lose his “edge” with them. He was told he may not be viewed as a leader if his people know too much about him and see him as a real person with fears and dreams and idiosyncrasies and humor.

But he knows that isn’t the kind of leadership that will allow him to do what he wants to do in the organization he leads. He knows that won’t light people up. He knows that won’t foster trust. He knows that isn’t what makes people go the extra mile when they are already tired and beaten. And he’s sick of playing that game.

So he’s trying something new. He’s sharing more of himself. More of his vision. More of his hopes and concerns and experiences for better or worse. He is encouraging dialogue. He’s asking what people think and sticking around long enough to hear (and really listen to) what they have to say. He is helping them find ways to breathe life into their greatest ideas and visions. And he is learning to get out of the way and trade the illusion of control for embracing possibilities that lead people (including himself) to enter into and navigate through uncertainty.

Another client is getting ready to engage his leadership team in ways that they aren’t used to.

He wants to roll out a whole new paradigm of doing things. And he is quite aware that words like “increasing shareholder value,” “fostering excellence” and “exceeding customer expectations” – while good concepts, tend to make people’s eyes glaze over and dismiss what is being said as the latest corporate speak, rah rah, Dilbert like rant.

He realizes that he needs to get very clear about what he sees as possible for his organization and all the people in it. He needs to be able to distinguish what they are moving away from and moving toward and find out what they think is important and what it will take in order to get them there. He wants to encourage dissention and constructive disagreement. He knows that if they don’t voice their concerns and questions and hesitations to him, they will do it with each other in a way that could invoke fear and resistance and squash the seeds of possibility as they begin to germinate and grow. He knows that a silent room doesn’t mean everyone agrees. He has the courage to delve underneath the surface to find out what’s really going on – even, and perhaps especially if it means they don’t agree with anything he is saying.

A third client heads up an organization that is already known as the very best at what they do. They have customers lining up at the door. They have been recognized in their community as the go to for what they do. They are well respected in their industry. And yet, they are burned out. They areoverwhelmed and just trying to make it through the day. Things fall through the cracks. Important details get overlooked. And my client has run around fixing things as they break, preventing undesirable consequences and instituting practices that keep the organization profitable, efficient and effective. But his partners haven’t embraced them – in fact, in some cases they even harbor resentment.

He wants to create an inspired workplace. And he knows he cannot do it singlehandedly. But he realizes his partners aren’t inspired – and that no amount of talking at them will get them there. So he is slowing down and beginning to have authentic conversations with each of them. He wants to connect with them as people, to see what they believe in, what they are passionate about, what they want to create together, and what they think needs to be done in order to make it fly. He is opening himself up to their criticism, their doubts, their worries and also hoping to hear about their dreams. He doesn’t know if it is going to work. He isn’t sure how to begin these conversations, or whether people will really engage with him. But he is willing to do it anyway.

This is the essence of true leadership.

Some call it conscious leadership. It is the ability to authentically engage with people in the workplace in a way that promotes shared value, meaning and purpose and leads them to work together in service to something greater than themselves. It requires courage, patience, faith, trust, intuition, and self awareness.

And I salute them.

 

For more on conscious leadership, check out my book, The Pinocchio Principle – Becoming a Real Leader.

The Passion-Profit Connection: Why passion in the workplace is money in the bank

Have you ever noticed that some businesses (and people) make you feel good simply by virtue of coming into contact with them?

Well, I have. There’s a little coffee shop around the corner that I adore. The owner is a guy named Pat. He remembers my name, and looks me (and everyone I am with) in the eye when we come through the door. He is always happy to see us. The pictures on the walls have been carefully selected to create an ambiance that is both relaxing and upbeat. The lattes are created by someone who treats his job as his art and presents his creations with pride. The food is delectable. And we inevitably leave happier than we were when we came in.

My all time favorite sandwich shop is run by a married couple who stop to talk to us when we are there. Every once in a while, one of the owners will get a sly grin and give us drinks at no charge. “Today is Diane day,” he will say, slyly grinning as he hands me my cup. They hire people who make us feel special too. They ask about our kids. They crack jokes that make us giggle. We go there every weekend, often because there is no place else we’d rather have lunch. (The sandwiches are killer too.) And there is usually a line that goes all the way out the door, who come for the same reasons.

Should I stay or should I go?

When I walk into some stores and even offices, I feel good as soon as I step into the building. In others, I can’t wait to leave. It is not necessarily a matter of the displays, the furniture, or even the merchandise as it is the energy that is created by the people who are involved in some way with the experience people have while they are there. They infuse passion into their work. They make it a point to truly connect with people. And they bring who they really are to what they do.

We are discerning consumers.

People are beginning to recognize that there is a difference when products and services are derived from passionate people who care deeply about what they do and the impact it makes. Those who are going through the motions to make a buck will find that their customer bases are dwindling as we continue to realize that we can have better experiences somewhere else.

Enthusiasm begets enthusiasm.

When products and services make people feel good, it is often because the people involved in creating and administering them feel good when they do their work. Their work has become more than a means to an end. It is an experience that they have learned to show up and be present for. And they have found a way to make it meaningful not only for themselves, but for every person they come into contact with.

They have taken the notion that work isn’t supposed to be fun and turned it on its head. They’ve found a way to bust out of a paradigm that had them passing the time until the work day was over and living only for the weekends (or maybe they never bought into it at all.) And they may have suffered a mishap or two – the promotion they were hoping for went to someone else, the proposal they toiled on for hours ended up in someone’s trash can, the big sale slipped through their fingers. But they picked themselves up and focused on what they could do from that point forward.

These are the people that create the places, the products and the services I want to be a part of. They are bright eyed and big hearted. They care about others – and themselves too. They are courageous and also vulnerable. They’ve decided to stop playing small and when someone tells them it can’t be done, they do it anyway. They make the world brighter one moment at a time. These people have taken off the masks that keep people from seeing who they really are. No pretense, hype or facades.

And they attract the best and the brightest talent.

It’s is as true in big business as it is corner coffee shops. The movers and the shakers – those who become customer magnets, strategic influencers, and high performing superstars gravitate to workplaces that match their passion and vitality.

These businesses – and the people who work for them – have got it going on. I will gladly pay a premium to experience their energy, enthusiasm and passion. And judging from the masses who eagerly line up at their doors, I am not the only one.

How to Lead Through Uncertainty

How do I motivate and inspire my team in the midst of uncertainty that could lead to the whole department being eliminated?  I mean, I’m not even sure I’ll have a job myself!

This is a question a client of mine recently asked.  A tough one.  I didn’t have an immediate answer for him.  He didn’t want to blow smoke in their faces or hand them a bunch of rose colored glasses.  Nor should he.  It is a scary time for a lot of people right now.  And there are no easy answers.  But in times of uncertainty, it is more important than ever to rest in the certainty that each one of us has what it takes to rise above anything life may bring us.

This is what the greatest leaders have done throughout history.  It’s easy to lead when things are stable and successful.  It’s when all chaos breaks loose and the chances of survival are slim that the world’s heroes have risen up to help people remember who they are and to rise up to their most daunting challenges.

Here are three things to remember when you find yourself in a situation similar to the one my client was in:

(1) There is nothing that will come your way that you cannot handle.  If you want proof, consider the fact that you are still here.  Think back to the last struggle or setback you faced.  What did you do?  How did you get through it?  What did you learn?  In retrospect, what would you tell yourself in order to help you get through that?  And what will you tell yourself now?

Sometimes it helps to think of the worst case scenario.  What would you do?  Really.  What would you do?  If you sit with that question and allow yourself to remain calm, you will find an answer.  Because when you get quiet, you summon up that which is timeless within you – that which will not change with the uncertainty, but rather grow stronger in the face of it – your inner strength, resilience, creativity and ingenuity.  Benjamin Franklin said it well many years ago:  “To be thrown upon one’s own resources, is to be cast into the very lap of fortune; for our faculties then undergo a development and display an energy of which they were previously unsusceptible.”

Getting connected to your core strength is essential and must be done before you can provide any real inspiration and motivation to others.  Your confidence will emanate at a level that people will feel – before you even say a word.

(2)  Once you have reconnected with your own inner reserves, help others reconnect with theirs as well.  Extraordinary leaders have the ability to connect with people at a deeper level.  They see not only what each person they lead has done in the past, but also what they are capable of doing in the future.  In times of chaos and uncertainty, people need to be reminded of their strengths because trying times tend to lead us to doubt ourselves and forget how very capable and strong we really are.

Speaking to people in terms of what they are capable of as a group can be helpful, but speaking to each person individually will have a far more powerful impact.  Think about each person you lead.  What has he or she done in the past that has impressed you?  What natural talents have you noticed – what does each person do that seems to come easily?  What does each tend to do that has a positive impact on themselves and everyone around them?  Maybe it is a sense of humor.  Perhaps it is an ability to foresee obstacles no one anticipated and create a plan for overcoming them.  Maybe it is an ability to think outside the box, a dogged determination to make things work, or a natural tendency to partner with others.  What is it that gives you faith that no matter what happens, this person will rise above it?  Speak to it with sincere appreciation and encouragement.  Help that person to embody those qualities once again.

(3)  Keep people’s focus (including your own) on possibilities rather than frustrations.  As with everything in life, whatever we focus on has a way of becoming amplified.  When we allow ourselves to become consumed with fear and doubt, our brains have a way of finding things that feed those states and we find that there seems to be even more to be afraid of or frustrated by.  This phenomenon often happens without our conscious awareness, and it is a vicious cycle that can keep us falling deeper and deeper into despair.

Reversing this cycle requires a conscious effort.  When we notice we are feeling upset by a certain thought, the first step is to become aware of the thought that has caused the reaction and deliberately choose another one to focus on.  There is always something positive or hopeful to focus on.  Sometimes finding it takes a bit of work, but that effort will be met with rich rewards.  A man named Ambrose Redmoon once said “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important.”  We need to figure out what is more important – more worthy of our attention and energy and focus on that.  As we do, our innate talents and strengths have a way of rising to the occasion.

With any change that brings uncertainty, there is a process of renewal involved.  The old must fall way in order for the new to be revealed.  This is true in nature as well as in our communities, organizations and in our very selves.  We can focus on what we are losing and experience a great deal of sadness and grief, or we can focus on what is newly emerging around us – and within us.  Sometimes the most difficult changes are the very things we need to experience to get closer to what we really want in life.  We may not realize the gifts change and uncertainty bring for weeks, months, and even years.  But we can recognize how it has served us in the past and trust in the process, in each other, and in ourselves.

What the Best Leaders Know About Getting Feedback (that the worst ignore)

 

There is a little sushi restaurant that opened up in my neighborhood a few months ago. Being sushi lovers, we were delighted — and equally excited when we came upon a grand opening offer to buy vouchers for this new restaurant through a third party at a discounted price. Eager to do what we could to support a small neighborhood business, we bought several of them.

We enjoyed our first meal there and looked forward to returning. But when we did, we encountered a sign on the door indicating the restaurant would no longer honor the vouchers we had bought. We later discovered that the only option for recovering our expense was to apply it toward other establishments we had no interest in.

Our enthusiasm toward the sushi restaurant turned to bitterness and we never ate there again. Stories of the restaurant’s actions circulated quickly and we learned of many others in our neighborhood who were equally miffed. Months later, their parking lot is almost always empty.

Who in their right mind would be so careless with the very people they need in order to succeed?

Leaders who solicit feedback without considering the implications run this risk all the time. In this article, we’ll explore three surefire ways to destroy trust through feedback efforts — and what to do instead.

Why gather feedback?

Soliciting feedback is a good idea for a leader because everyone has blind spots. Blind spots are areas of your effectiveness (and lack thereof) that other people see but you do not. Typically the more senior the leader, the higher the number of blind spots. This is because senior leaders are often only told what others believe they want to hear.

Additionally, we often undervalue our strengths and what we have the ability accomplish if we just apply them in a broader context or with a slightly different twist. A little bit of acknowledgment and encouragement from others on how to do this can go a long way in helping you to play a bigger game by bringing more of your true self to your work.

Bosses, subordinates, peers and even customers tend to have great insight into how leaders might be sabotaging their own success and what they could do to be more effective. But most of these people rarely share their thoughts because they do not have occasion to do so. And more often than not, it just seems uncalled for and potentially inappropriate.

To benefit from the insight of others, leaders must proactively solicit it.

So how do you gather feedback?

Often companies gather feedback as part of an annual performance review. However, this is most commonly done via a survey instrument that doesn’t provide the clarity and level of specificity most leaders need. In addition, feedback is often only solicited from a leader’s direct reports, rather than from peers or customers, which can be a bit lopsided.

Leaders can attempt to gather their own feedback, but often despite their best intentions they will get polite, politically correct responses that either contribute to blind spots or create new ones.

One of the best ways to gather feedback is to engage the services of a third party such as an executive coach to interview a variety of stakeholders you interact with. A good interviewer will probe into people’s responses to get the level of detail and specificity required for feedback to be meaningful.

Additionally, inquiries should be made not only about what is going well or needs to be improved, but also about the impact of current behavior and suggestions for enhancing performance. This feedback is then consolidated into a report that identifies themes and recommendations.

Why do leaders need to take care in soliciting feedback?

Asking people to provide feedback for you is a lot like selling vouchers to support the grand opening of a restaurant. It requires them to give you something (their time and honest feedback) that they would otherwise not be inclined to provide — in an effort to support you. It also raises the expectation that they will get a return.

Their return could be as simple as a thank you, but more often than not when people provide feedback they do so in the hope that you will actually do something with it. When this unspoken agreement is not honored, people providing feedback feel slighted in much the same way customers who buy vouchers that will not be honored would.

And when people you need in order to succeed (like your employees, peers and customers) feel slighted, you destroy their trust and risk that their goodwill toward you will sour. You miss out on a vital opportunity to improve your own effectiveness as well as that of your organization. And you may create problems for yourself you could have prevented.

Take the example of Sara

Sara heard rumors that people had complaints about the way she was managing her team. Try as she might, she could not get people to give her a straight answer. In her curiosity to find out what others were saying about her, she engaged the services of an executive coach to gather feedback.

When Sara received her feedback report, she grew angry and defensive

She called a meeting of her staff during which she demanded to know who said what and why. In the meeting, people looked at each other in stunned silence. When no one spoke up, Sara launched into a diatribe defending each point in the report, citing examples in an effort to discredit what she had heard.

Sara ended the meeting admonishing her team for not being willing to say what they needed to say to her face and challenged them to come to her next time instead of talking behind her back.

While she may have felt vindicated after that meeting, she alienated her people and actually destroyed what little trust she may have had with them. Rather than feeling encouraged to share their insights, her direct reports went to great lengths to mask what they really thought of her and did whatever they could to keep her off their backs. Some of them started looking for other jobs.

What did Sara do wrong?

She made three critical errors:

– First, her reasons for gathering feedback were not constructive. She had no intention of evaluating her own behavior and no desire to change it in any way.

– Second, the time and thought people provided to give Sara feedback was received with irritation and potentially negative consequences rather than appreciation and openness.

– And third, rather than using the feedback as a lever to improve herself, she made her people wrong and became even more entrenched in her current behavior.

Most executives don’t make such glaring and potentially damaging errors. But without careful thought and consideration they can fall into these traps without even realizing it.

Three tips for using feedback to increase your success (instead of derailing it):

– Ensure that your intention is constructive

– Make providing feedback is safe and gratifying for your stakeholders

– Follow up and follow through

Let’s talk about each of these.

Ensure that your intention is constructive

Don’t gather feedback unless you sincerely want to improve your effectiveness. It is important to set the stage in advance so that people have a good understanding of your rationale. They need to see that you are humble enough to acknowledge there is always room for improvement. They need to know that you are open to hearing what they have to say. And they need to believe that you have every intention of acting on it.

Asking people to provide feedback for you sends an affirming message that you value their unique perspectives and input and want to improve your leadership so that you can be of better service to them. It is important to let them know why you are want their input and what you plan to do with it. This brings us to the next tip.

Make providing feedback safe and gratifying for your stakeholders

It takes courage to give constructive feedback to another human being. Especially if that person is your boss. People who feel like something is at stake (like their job, their reputation, or their relationship with you) will hesitate to be honest or anything but flattering. There are a few things you can do to ensure this doesn’t happen.

One thing you can do is ensure that feedback will be kept anonymous

Unless you have gone to great lengths to seek dissenting views and encourage people to provide honest feedback, most people will say far more when their identity will be protected. A good coach will ask open-ended questions that allow themes shared by several feedback respondents to naturally emerge.

Encouraging people to speak candidly and reassuring them that you will not know who said what can go a long way. And so will expressing gratitude to them in advance for being willing to take time out of their busy schedule to provide feedback.

It is also important to let your stakeholders know in advance what the process of gathering feedback will entail and what will be done with it once it is gathered. This leads us to the next tip.

Follow up and follow through

Feedback gathering efforts done right generate a wealth of constructive information, insights and suggestions. It illuminates what people who are critical to your success appreciate and need most from you and may even spell out specific steps you can take to deliver.

Often feedback will confirm things you already suspect you need to work on. Other times it brings surprises you never could have anticipated. In any case, it is critical that you receive it with appreciation and gratitude.

The very act of gathering feedback raises the expectation that something will be done. Though you don’t need to share every detail of your report with people, it is vital that you thank them for taking the time to share their insights and let them know what actions you plan to take as a result of hearing them. You can also take the opportunity to ask for additional feedback.

But what if you don’t agree with the feedback?

While you may not necessarily agree with suggestions that emerge through the feedback, it is important to recognize that perceptions others have of you are based on their observations of your behavior.

If you don’t agree about a perception, following up with them in a spirit of curiosity can shed light on what you may be doing (or failing to do) that is contributing to a negative perception. This information will help you to determine the most constructive way of responding.

Failure to follow up at all leaves a void that people tend to fill with their own information and assumptions. You run the risk that people will assume you just don’t care about their feedback — or them. Additionally, your lack of follow through can lead people to question your integrity and reliability. They will doubt your sincerity and even begin to question your credibility.

In contrast, circling back with them once or more to acknowledge their input and invite continued feedback will reinforce the message that you value their perspectives and are serious about improving your effectiveness and being of greater service.

Let’s review what we’ve covered

– Soliciting feedback is good leadership development. It allows you to become aware of your strengths and opportunities for improvement that others may see but you do not, and to gain insight on what you can do to increase your effectiveness.

– Gathering feedback is best done by a third party such as an executive coach. Personal interviews with critical stakeholders are instrumental in getting the level of detail and specificity required for feedback to be meaningful.

– Proceed with great care. If soliciting feedback is done for the wrong reasons, received defensively, disregarded or refuted, it can destroy trust and create ill will.

– Ensure that your intentions for gathering feedback are constructive and clearly communicated. Make sure people know you are serious about improving your effectiveness and being of greater service and why you have selected them to provide feedback.

– Make providing feedback safe and gratifying. Ensure that your stakeholders will not be singled out and that they understand the process that will be used for gathering feedback and what will be done with it.

– Be sure to follow up and follow through. Show people that you appreciate their input and will not only take it to heart, but put it into action. Enlist them in providing you with ongoing feedback as you endeavor to improve your effectiveness.

To be successful, a leader needs stakeholders like a restaurant needs customers

Stakeholders, like customers, can give you great insight into what you need to do to succeed. Don’t leave them stuck with a bill for a meal they didn’t get to enjoy. Invite them to the table, listen to what they have to say, and then show your appreciation by acting on their suggestions and input to become a better leader.

No chopsticks required.

Why That Gnawing Feeling in Your Gut Might Mean More Than You Think

Why Your Small Still Voice is Mightier Than the Public Roar

 

Over the history of time, there have been among us people who dared to dream big and ended up creating something magnificent as a result. What they had in common was not their station in life, their family inheritance or even necessarily a solid education. Many rose up despite odds that would suggest their lives would be quite ordinary, or insignificant, perhaps growing up amidst gangs and violence and poverty to become leaders whose life stories would inspire millions of others from all backgrounds and circumstances.

What is it that differentiates these people from the rest? And what can we all learn from them?

People who do amazing things in the world often have a dream that they lovingly nurture and protect. From somewhere in the depths of their being, they know they are capable of greatness – not because they were born into it or are particularly more gifted than everyone else, but simply because it is their birthright – as it is for all of us.

Each one of us has the ability to create something extraordinary. We all have different talents and strengths, diverse styles and passions – along with a unique combination of experiences (for better or worse) that allows us to discover and apply them to create something bigger than ourselves. We may not know exactly what form it will take, but if we pay attention to the whispers and yearnings of our hearts, we begin to make out the shape of something that beckons to us.

As children, most of us received mixed messages. We may have been encouraged to follow our hearts and give life to our dreams, in addition to being conditioned to be practical, hedge our bets and take the safest route. Over time, many of us have allowed the roar of public opinion – that often tells us our dreams are frivolous, selfish and unlikely to come to fruition – to silence that small still voice within. But those among us who have risen against their odds have learned to reverse that process and believe in themselves and their dreams despite the overwhelming evidence around them that would suggest that success is improbable.

The beginning of each year brings with it the question of what we will focus our time, energy and resources into accomplishing. It is an optimal time to reacquaint ourselves with our dreams and visions, our purpose and values, and the question of how we can become living examples of that which we most admire. You may be quite sure of what it is you would like to create, do, have or become. Or perhaps you have only small pieces of a bigger puzzle that has not yet come together.

The power of your dream will be bolstered by the degree to which your vision expands beyond your own interests to those of others around you. Spend some time contemplating where you feel most drawn and why. When you land on something that will allow your gifts to align with those of others to accomplish complementary goals, you will join forces with something much greater than yourself. It will lift you up when your energy is low and sustain you through moments of doubt and fear.

Perhaps the whispers of our heart and the calls to greatness that we feel within our souls are essential components of a larger, collective plan that we each play a vital part in. As we rise up to play these parts fully and wholeheartedly, we can revel in the beauty of its mysterious unfolding. In the process, we will discover ourselves to be greater than we thought we were and use each moment of our lives to create something extraordinary for ourselves and others.

How Your Mindset Can Keep You From Recovering From a Setback

It was spring break and my thirteen year old son was snowboarding for the first time

After his first day of lessons, he could make it down the bunny hill without falling. Well, without falling repeatedly.

But day two did not end well. I found my young son lying in the snow with one arm holding the other. With a tear in his eye, he presented his wrist to me. It was swollen, limp and badly bruised. “Mom, I think I broke it,” he said slowly.

An hour later, we emerged from ski patrol with a makeshift splint, a bag of ice and a recommendation to get immediate medical attention. As we drove down the hill, my young son lamented his fall. “I was doing so well. And then I tried something different. But I didn’t know how to turn and then I lost my balance and then I heard something snap.”

As we drove closer to urgent care, I was overcome with curiosity

“Ryan, if you knew how this day was going to end, would you do it over again?” I asked him.

“Yeah.” He answered without missing a beat.

“Would you have any hesitation going snowboarding again after your wrist heals?” I inquired.

“Nah!” he replied. “Let’s come back for sure.”

Ah, the resilience of a thirteen year old. I was inspired by his lack of hesitation. And his courage. But most of all, with his mindset.

Because mindset is the key to overcoming setbacks

A setback is when something doesn’t go the way you envisioned it. And mindset is the story you tell yourself about the experience you’ve just had and what it means, both now and in the future. It determines, to a large degree, whether you see the experience as a success or a failure. And the way you see the experience will have an enormous impact on whether or not you will try that experience again.

What’s the big deal if you don’t try an experience again?

Especially if it ended with a broken bone.

Well, the problem isn’t so much the broken bone -– which will inevitably be accompanied by a certain amount of pain. The problem is letting it deprive you of a future that could bring you an immense amount of joy and satisfaction.

And most people let seeming setbacks deprive them of joy and satisfaction more often than they realize

It could be the jobs they applied for that they didn’t get. Or the proposals they poured their hearts into to never really went anywhere. Or the promotions they were working toward for months that ended up going to someone else. Perhaps it was the first time they went out their comfort zones to do anything only to feel as though they landed on their backside with nothing but broken bones to show for it.

In this article, we’ll explore two mindsets that keep professionals turning their setbacks into springboards

(1) Confusing skill with potential.

(2) Taking an experience personally.

Let’s start with confusing skill with potential

You confuse skill with potential when you decide that you’ll never be good at something because you didn’t get it right the first time you tried it. Or the second time. Or the tenth time. Most people do not have a high degree of skill when they try something new. But doesn’t mean they don’t have an enormous amount of potential.

When you confuse skill with potential, you tell yourself a story that has you making an assessment of yourself based on a very limited amount of data. The story goes like this: “Boy, I was really bad at that. I’m just not cut out for it. I should leave it to other people who actually have talent.”

And the problem with a story like that is that you end up believing it

You allow it to keep you from trying something again. And trying something again — and again, and again and again is exactly what you need to do in order to gain the very skill you are having difficulty executing. So your story becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You miss out on the joy of ultimately mastering that skill. And so do all the people who would have benefited from what you could have accomplished if you did.

But that’ s not the only story that can get you into trouble.

Let’s move to the second destructive mindset: taking experiences personally

When you take an experience personally, you make it more about you than anything or anyone else. Your universe constricts and you become the center of it. You feel hurt and rejected, or angry and resentful. You replay events in your mind and question what you did to screw things up. You think, “if only I would have done this, or been more like that, things would have gone better.”

And that kind of thinking, when accompanied by hurt or anger doesn’t do you any favors

Because it keeps you from learning. You become so fixated in feeling wronged or victimized that you render yourself powerless. In an effort to avoid being hurt again, you may hedge your bets, fly under the radar, try not to get your hopes up. And this act of withholding keeps you from doing the very thing that could allow you to succeed next time.

Because often setbacks have nothing to do with you as a person

You got passed over for a promotion. It could be the promotion you were angling for wasn’t quite the right fit. Getting it would have taken you out of the running for something that was perfect for you. And taking it personally will keep you from doing what you need to do to even be considered.

You lost a big client. Yet in retrospect, you realize the client was a huge pain in your rear end, sucking up time and energy that you could have dedicated to someone you really love to work with. And if you take it personally, you’ll keep your perfect client from seeing the very thing in you that could cinch the deal.

Your proposal didn’t go anywhere. It may have been before its time. Or it wasn’t the right audience. Or there was something you needed to learn before it was ready to fly. But if you take it personally, you could convince yourself there’s no use in proceeding. And no one will ever know what you could have achieved if you persevered. Including you.

But what if it did have to do with you?

What if you came on too strong? Or too meek? Or if there was something you could have done to get that promotion, keep that client, succeed with that proposal? Well, if you take it personally you may never have the courage, the confidence and the open mind it takes to solicit or receive the feedback you need and to act on it in a way that allows you to succeed next time.

There is a difference between taking things personally and learning what you could do differently next time. Taking things personally causes you to contract. And learning allows you to expand. Which will you choose?

Let’s recap the importance of mindset and the two examples we reviewed that keep people from recovering from their setbacks.

• A setback is when something doesn’t go the way you envisioned it. And mindset is the story you tell yourself about the experience you’ve just had and what it means, both now and in the future.
• The story you tell yourself becomes a problem when it leads you to believe something that keeps you from doing whatever you need to do to ultimately achieve your desired outcome.
• One story that keeps you from recovering from setbacks leads you to confuse ability with potential. When you allow less than desirable results to convince you that you’ll never succeed in the future, you let your lack of ability keep you from fulfilling your potential. And everyone loses.
• Another story that keeps you from bouncing back leads you to take things personally. When you take things personally, you fail to realize that there may have been other factors at play, such as timing, and the right fit. Even if something you did got in the way of your success, taking things personally prevents you from learning and growing from the experience.

My thirteen year old son reminded me of the importance of mindset in my own life.

Though it’s not likely that snowboarding will be in my future, there is a good chance that I will fall the next time I try something new. When I do, I will remember how his lack of regret and eagerness to try again kept him from an unproductive mindset.

And I will pick myself up, tend to my broken bones, and allow myself to enjoy the joy and satisfaction that comes from getting back on the slopes.

“Ryan, if you knew how this day was going to end, would you do it over again?” I asked him.
“Yeah.” He answered without missing a beat.

“Would you have any hesitation going snowboarding again after your wrist heals?” I inquired.
“Nah!” he replied. “Let’s come back for sure.”

You see, my 13 year old had done the inevitable. As you figured, he’d gone snowboarding, broken his wrist and maddeningly, was keen to go right back into the thick of the action. His mindset was such that he wasn’t focused on the pain—but instead of the experience of re-experiencing the action yet again.

Yet most of us lose this kind of mindset when we “grow up”.
It could be the jobs they applied for that they didn’t get. Or the proposals they poured their hearts into to never really went anywhere. Or the promotions they were working toward for months that ended up going to someone else. Perhaps it was the first time they went out their comfort zones to do anything only to feel as though they landed on their backside with nothing but broken bones to show for it.

How You Can Use Frustration To Improve Your Effectiveness

In the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray plays a weatherman named Phil who travels to a small town in Pennsylvania to cover local festivities. It is an assignment he isn’t happy about and despite his eagerness to leave it behind, he gets snowed in and wakes the next day to find he is in some kind of time warp, doomed to relive the day over and over again until he gets it right.

Most of us have experienced the frustration of having to repeatedly relive a situation we would rather not have to experience at all. Often frustration appears to be imposed on us from an unfriendly universe, something we have been unfairly doomed to live through. But more often than we would like to admit, frustration is self imposed. And when frustration is self imposed, it can be even more painful.

But as unpleasant as frustration can be, it comes bearing gifts — gifts that are often overlooked. And today, we will cover three of those gifts — gifts than when embraced can transform your frustration into freedom.

The three gifts of frustration are:
• Fuel
• Insight
• Possibility

Let’s talk about how you can use frustration as fuel.

“I’m so tired of feeling unorganized and scattered all the time,” Bob told me in our last meeting. “I come into the office and there are papers flung all over my desk, half started projects buried in piles with new requests heaped on top of them. But I never seem to have time to go through them because by the time I get there, a line of people waiting to talk to me has already formed outside my door and I have no choice but to spring into action. And my days are full of requests that add new papers, projects and action items to a pile that grows faster than it shrinks.”

Bob was understandably frustrated. He felt like he was pushing a big rock up a hill only to have it roll back down as soon as he got near the top.

“What do you think I should do about it?” he asked me. I knew he wouldn’t like my answer.

“Move into it,” I told him. “Tell me more about how starting your day like that affects the quality of your life.”

He was perplexed. “Why would I want to move into something so awful? Shouldn’t I be figuring out how I can move away from it? Rise above it?”

That is the reaction most of us (including yours truly) have when faced with an unpleasant predicament. But rising above an unpleasant predicament often requires us to change habits or patterns that are ingrained and comfortable. And initiating and sustaining a change like that requires fuel — fuel that will allow us to break through our obstacles and limitations at the very moment when it seems most difficult.

Change occurs when the pain of the current state is greater than the perceived pain of making a change, and the pleasure of making a change is greater than the pleasure (or payoff) of staying the same.

Often we aren’t ready to make a significant change until things are at their worst. Many of us can tolerate an enormous amount of displeasure until things are at their breaking point. And even when the pain has really come to a head, we often make small little adjustments that take the edge off, but don’t really solve the problem.

When you truly move into your frustration, you begin to open your eyes widely to recognize the impact a problem is having on your life. You allow yourself to accept that this pain will continue until you do something about it. And until you are truly ready to do something about it, you will continue to do what you’ve always done and suffer as a result.

The flip side of pain is pleasure. And once you have moved into your pain, you can begin to envision what the pleasure that a lasting solution would bring.

This can be done long before you know what that solution is. And just as you can move into your pain, so too can you move into the pleasure of what life would be like without your problem. This too, serves as fuel that will ultimately allow you to do what it takes to create and implement a lasting solution.

Let’s move onto the second gift of frustration: insight.

Insight is an understanding of the true nature of something. It begins to be cultivated when you move into your frustration and recognize the myriad of ways that it is not serving you. But that is only the beginning. Moving into your frustration illuminates not only the problem, but also the underlying factors that contribute to and exacerbate that problem.

Most of us instinctively move away from pain, firing shots over our shoulder at what we believe to be the antagonist without really recognizing or locking onto a target.

In an attempt to alleviate Bob’s problem, he could have hired an assistant to come into his office and go through the piles on his desk, organize and create file folders for his papers, and straighten everything up. But until Bob identified and addressed the factors that led those piles to accumulate and grow, it would only be a matter of time before he was right back where he started.

To really know what needs to be done to slay the beast, he needed to take a closer look and recognize what it eats, how it grows stronger, and how he might unwittingly be feeding and nurturing it. That’s exactly what moving into the frustration with a spirit of curiosity does.

When Bob got curious about his predicament, he began to notice that he had a tendency to book his appointments back to back starting first thing in the morning and say yes to more things than he could realistically accomplish. He realized that he didn’t have a clear sense of what was truly a priority and that in the absence of that clarity, he was making everything number one — except his own sanity.

The more awareness he cultivated in the presence of his frustration, the more he began to identify and understand what was really causing it — and to recognize that while he may have initially felt like its victim, he was far from powerless in overcoming it. This led Bob to discover and embrace the third gift of frustration.

The third gift of frustration is possibility.

Insight opens the door to possibility. Once you have an understanding of the factors that cause or contribute to a problem, you begin to recognize a multitude of options that can lead to lasting resolution. These possibilities reveal themselves in the presence of curiosity.

“What could I do to regain control of my schedule?” Bob asked himself. In the days and weeks that followed, Bob identified a number of strategies that could potentially work for him. Among them were designating a day to sort through the pile of issues, projects, tasks and commitments that were tugging at the edges of his mind to determine what was of most importance, and what could be delegated, deferred or dropped.

Bob also recognized that he could better deploy his time, energy and resources into projects that were aligned with his priorities if he got into the habit of saying, “That sounds interesting — let me think about it and get back to you,” instead of committing to requests on the spot. And he realized that he needed to carve out time in his schedule on an ongoing basis to plan, prioritize, strategize and execute — and honor that time with the same fervor that he would honor meetings with his most important clients.

Let’s review…

(1) Despite its unpleasant nature, frustration is actually a gift — and something we need to move into rather than away from.

(2) Moving into frustration generates the fuel necessary to initiate and sustain lasting change. It allows us to get to the point where the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of making a change, and also where the pleasure of making a change is greater than the pleasure (or payoff) of staying the same.

(3) Moving into frustration with awareness and curiosity yields insight. It illuminates not only the problem, but also the underlying factors that contribute to and exacerbate the problem.

(4) Insight opens the door to possibility, which yields a multitude of options that can lead to lasting resolution.

So the next time you feel like you are living the life of Bill Murray’s character in the movie Groundhog Day, remind yourself that frustration comes bearing gifts. Reliving the same experience over and over again isn’t so bad if it ultimately yields fuel, insight and possibility. Move into your discomfort, pay attention, get curious, and connect the dots. And you too will find a way to transform your frustration into freedom.