The True Gift of Giving

“All which I abandon, all which I give, I enjoy in a higher manner through the fact that I give it away. To give is to enjoy possessively the object which one gives.”

~ Jean-Paul Sartre, philosopher

I had a roommate in college who was down in the dumps for a few weeks.  Her usually delightful demeanor had become heavy and a little dark.  She was going through one of those slumps we all encounter from time to time.  One day when I came home from class, there was a envelope taped onto our door.  As I looked around the building we lived in, I noticed similar envelopes hanging on other doors.  This one had my name on it, handwritten.  I tore it open and found a piece of notebook paper upon which was written one of the the most heartfelt notes I had ever read.

It was signed “from someone who appreciates you deeply” and as I read it, I found myself falling into the page while small tears began to collect at the corners of my eyes.  The author of the note had recounted things I had done over the last several weeks – many of of which I thought were insignificant  –  that made a difference in that person’s life.  There were kind, warm words of praise and gratitude as well as encouragement and inspiration.  Whoever wrote that note apparently thought I was special and took the time to tell me why in such a way that it profoundly touched me.  I looked up and saw someone across the hall reading her note and watched as her face began to light up.

When I opened the door, I found my roomate sitting contentedly writing in her journal and sipping a cup of tea.  She looked up and smiled for what seemed the first time in weeks.

“Did you get one of these notes?’ I asked her.

“No,” She responded with a grin.

And then it hit me.  She was the one who wrote the notes.  She didn’t admit it at first, but I finally got it out of her.

“What led you to do this?” I asked her.  “It must have taken you hours!”

“I was tired of feeling tired and sad and lonely,” she said.  I was sick of my gloomy little world.  And I decided that if I couldn’t make it better for myself, maybe I could make it better for someone else. “

She had started with one note.  And then she wrote another.  And then another.  And it felt so good, she said, that she decided she’d just write until she didn’t feel like writing anymore.

That was over twenty years ago.  And it still inspires me.    She taught me more through her actions that I would have learned by reading ten books that day.  I don’t think she intended it at the time, or even realized it until she started writing her notes, but the gift she gave to everyone in that building ended up being something that benefitted her just as much as everyone else.  And my guess is that it is still benefitting her and everyone else – because I know it’s still meaningful and significant to me.

Gandhi said “You must be the change you want to see in the world”.  Richard Bach wrote “We teach what we most need to learn.”  And Maya Angelou tells us, “I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver.”  Perhaps this is one of the true gifts in giving – that when we get outside of ourselves to touch another human being, it has a way of bringing us gently back to ourselves so that we too receive the gift.  And it holds true even when we think we have nothing left to give.

When our egos get the best of us and we think nothing will ever go the way we want it to, we can transcend a state of wanting by moving into a state of giving.  Think of something you want right now, in this moment.  What is it that “something” will give you?  Most likely it is a feeling – perhaps a feeling of contentment, satisfaction, prosperity, abundance, or joy.  Now, see if there is something you can do for another person to help them experience those things.  Often when we give to others, we find we already had that which we were seeking.  We realize the thing we thought we needed is a means to an end that we have already arrived at.

I have written about this phenomenon (and why it is so vital to leadership) at length in my upcoming book, The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Meant to Be, which will be released on 1/11/11.  For more information, go to www.PinocchioPrinciple.com.   If you pre-order, I’ll send you an autographed copy!

A few spots still remain in my upcoming Adventures in Authentic Leadership small group coaching series.  You’ll have the opportunity to apply the concepts in The Pinocchio Principle to make ongoing progress toward your specific goals, aspirations, and challenges with support, feedback and accountability.  The series kicks off on 1/13/11 and will meet every other Thursday from 11:30am to 1pm at my office in central Phoenix.  Read more…

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Though comments are currently closed, please feel free to email me at Diane@DianeBolden.com with your feedback, questions and thoughts.  Have a specific challenge you’d like to see a post written about?  Let me know.  I’d love to hear from you!