What to Do When You Just Can’t Get What You Want

 

Life has a tendency to disappoint at times – sometimes more than others, of course.  For many of us, the frequency has increased disproportionately over the last year or so.

We have lost things we valued, endured things we never would have wished for, and weathered the increased tension and anxiety that comes when vital issues (some long buried) surface and come to a head.

We all naturally focus on what we most want – and in times of stress, anxiety and frustration we often feel as though despite our best efforts we just aren’t getting it.  You can lose yourself in disappointment and irritation and stay in it for days, weeks, months and even years.

But perhaps there is a way out of it.  One that provides you not only what you most need – but has the potential to spill over and benefit others as well.

I saw a profound example of a quite uncommon approach for dealing with frustration, disappointment and grief back when I was an undergraduate.

My roommate had been uncharacteristically gloomy for several weeks.  Her usually delightful demeanor had become heavy and dark.

One day when I came home from class, there was an envelope taped to our door.  As I looked around the building we lived in, I noticed similar envelopes hanging on other doors.  This one had my name on it, handwritten.

I tore it open and found a piece of notebook paper upon which was written one of the most heartfelt notes I had ever read.  It was signed “from someone who appreciates you deeply”.

As I read it, I found myself falling into the page while small tears began to collect at the corners of my eyes.  The author of the note had recounted things I had done over the last several weeks (many of which I thought were insignificant) that made a difference in that person’s life.

There were kind, warm words of praise and gratitude as well as encouragement and inspiration.  Whoever wrote it apparently thought I was special and took the time to tell me why in such a way that it profoundly touched me.

I looked up and saw someone across the hall reading her note and watched as her face began to light up.

When I opened the door to our place, I found my roommate sitting contentedly writing in her journal and sipping a cup of tea.  She looked up and smiled for what seemed the first time in weeks.

“Did you get one of these notes?’ I asked her.

“No,” She responded with a grin.

And then it hit me.  She was the one who wrote the notes.  She didn’t admit it at first, but I finally got it out of her.

“What led you to do this?” I asked her.  “It must have taken you hours!”

“I was tired of feeling tired and sad and lonely,” she said.  I was sick of my gloomy little world.  And I decided that if I couldn’t make it better for myself, maybe I could make it better for someone else.”

She had started with one note.  And then she wrote another.  And then another.  And it felt so good, she said, that she decided she’d just write until she didn’t feel like writing anymore.

That was almost thirty years ago.  And it still inspires me.

She taught me more through her actions than I would have learned by reading ten books that day.  I don’t think she intended it at the time, or even realized it until she started writing, but the gift she gave to everyone in that building ended up being something that benefitted her just as much as everyone else.

And my guess is that it is still benefitting her and everyone else – because I know it’s still meaningful and significant to me.

Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said,  “All which I abandon, all which I give, I enjoy in a higher manner through the fact that I give it away. To give is to enjoy possessively the object which one gives.”

Perhaps this is one of the true gifts in giving – that when we get outside of ourselves to touch another human being, it has a way of bringing us gently back to ourselves so that we too receive the gift.

And it holds true even when we think we have nothing left to give.

When our egos get the best of us and we think nothing will ever go the way we want it to, we can transcend a state of wanting by moving into a state of giving.

Think of something you want right now, in this moment.  What is it that “something” will give you?  Most likely it is a feeling – perhaps a feeling of contentment, satisfaction, prosperity, abundance, or joy.

Now, see if there is something you can do for another person to help them experience those things.

Often when we give to others, we find we already had that which we were seeking.  We realize the thing we thought we needed is a means to an end that we have already arrived at.  And perhaps this, in and of itself is the true gift of giving.

 

For more on how to transcend frustration, pressure and stress to get what you really want, check out  The Pinocchio Principle Unleashed: The Real Leader’s Guide to Accessing the Freedom & Flow of Your Unique Genius.  Though the spring group session has closed, you can join the waiting list to be notified of the next session.

 

 

Image by Colin Behrens from Pixabay