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The Downside of Going it Alone
Have you ever come smack up against an old assumption that was just plain wrong? The above video features a story about a painful lesson I learned years ago when I thought I could (and should) do everything on my own. It was probably the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done that didn’t involve falling down or tripping over something.
Here’s what I said in the video:
Years ago I worked at a hospital and I was teaching classes to help clinical professionals work through all the changes they had to make when managed care hit. These people had a lot of change to make. There was a lot emotion involved. They had to completely reinvent the way they saw patients and did all the things that they had done for years. There was a lot of resistance.
And I remember I got this idea that perhaps it would be helpful for them to see how others have worked through this. So I decided I wanted to make a video and I got approval to make a trip to one of the sister hospitals whose staff had already begun making the transition. I managed to find one of the oldest cameras around at the time. It was so huge, that the VCR tape actually fit in it. You can imagine the contraption and all the gear I had to carry.
I finally got to the hospital. We had a conference room arranged. I managed to coordinate and have all these people show up in this one room. I asked them questions that got on tape their reaction and their coping mechanisms and their pain – and the way in which they were able to take something that turned everything they knew on their head and work through it. It was heart rendering. It was moving. It was beautiful.
I singlehandedly worked the camera, I asked the questions, I tried to zoom in on people’s faces when they talked, and I spent a whole day doing this videoing. I came back and I edited it myself. Granted – I knew nothing about filming and editing videos. I had to use the camera in order to do editing, cutting and pasting with my VCR.
When I got back and had my finished product, everybody crowded around and we put the tape in the VCR and hit play. I was just devastated. It was horrible. And I remember watching it and just feeling my heart sink. Because all those stories that almost brought tears to my eyes as I was filming them – the sound quality was so poor, you couldn’t even hear people talking. The camera was shaky. The editing was horrible. And I was just so embarrassed.
That happened years and years ago when I thought I needed to do everything myself and had a lot of fire in my belly, but for whatever reason, I was very resistant to asking for help. And I learned such a valuable lesson from that. What I learned and how I have benefitted from that experience is that I have allowed myself to let go of the things that I thought I needed to do myself and enjoy working with people that have skills that I don’t, who can get almost even more excited about my ideas than I am — and see things that I didn’t see — to make it richer and allow something to be created that is far better than anything my little mind could ever have imagined.
So here’s my question for you, “What great idea are you sitting on, and who do you need on your team to make it happen?”
Picture by Diomedes66 from Dreamstime
Busting Out
The above video is a simulation of a life that many (including myself) have led at one time or another. Trapped. Inhibited. Frustrated. Suffocating. But there is a way out. And each one of us will find it eventually — when we’re ready, willing and have had enough self-imposed anguish.
I believe it will make all the difference in the world.
Here’s what I said in the video…
Wow – I see some amazing possibilities. So many ideas! Oh my gosh. That problem they were talking about – I know how it can be solved. But, what if people laugh at me? Hmmm, and who am I? Who am I to say that and come up with that idea. How can I pull it off?
I’ve seen people go out on a limb before and never come back. I don’t want to be one of them. I can be safe in here though.
But there’s just so much that can be done. If we could just have a meeting and talk about the real issue. If I could just say what I need to say instead of rehashing stuff that we keep meeting about that has no relevance at all!
But what if I make somebody mad? What if I upset my boss? That wouldn’t be good. I think I’ll just stay in here.
It’s getting kind of cramped in this box though. All these ideas – I just keep them in here. I’m running out of room. I’m having trouble breathing. In fact, it’s getting pretty tight in here.
I’ve got to bust out. It couldn’t possibly be worse out there than it is in here. It couldn’t possibly be worse out there than it is in here.
I don’t need this box anymore.
For more on busting out:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be 
Taking Your Leap, Part I & Part II
In Search of Greatness: Finding Your Zone
Man in a box image from Dreamstime by Christopher Hall.
A Story About Lightening Up
Ever get to a place where everything feels way too heavy and burdensome? Well I’ve been there too. The above video features a story about a conversation I had with one of my children years ago that never fails to help me get things back into perspective. Scroll down for more resources on lightening up.
Here is what I said in the video:
There was a time in my life a few years ago where I was just CRAZY busy. I’ve always had a unique talent for over-complicating everything — making things WAY harder than they needed to be, and I was doing that a lot. I remember racing to get my kid at daycare and having him be the very last kid to be picked up right around 6:00pm. And he would look up at me like, “Mom, you’re finally here – I didn’t think you were actually going to make it.”
During this particular week, I had a lot of things falling through the cracks. I was behind on some major deadlines, I was not really feeding my family or myself very healthy food. I was just feeling like a lousy mother, a lousy wife, a lousy person in general — like I just couldn’t get things the way I wanted to, which back then was PERFECT. If it wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t good enough.
I remember sitting on the couch with my toddler and he looked up at me and he said, “Mommy can I count on you?” And I thought “Oh my God, my two year old is questioning whether he can count on me! I must really be awful.”
And I looked at him and said, “What did you just say?” He said it again, “Can I count on you?” I replied, “OF COURSE you can count on me!”
And he looked up at me with his sweet little twinkly blue eyes as he raised his fingers to my shoulder to count with them, saying “One, two, three, four…”. I just remember looking down at him thinking “Oh my God!” and couldn’t help laughing. Suddenly everything felt lighter and better.
Now whenever I get in that place where I’m out of my mind overwhelmed – and taking myself WAY too seriously, I remember my sweet little boy at two years old — “one, two, three, four….”
For more on Lightening Up:
Lightening Your Load: Mind Over Matter
Illustration from Dreamstime by Nlizer.
Beyond Boundaries
The above video is about a riddle my young son told me a long time ago that I think about whenever I find myself longing to venture beyond my limitations to explore fresh, new opportunities and unchartered territory. I wonder if he realizes just how much that little story has inspired me. I hope it does the same for you.
Here’s what I said in the video:
One day my son came home with a riddle. He said “Mom, pretend like you’re in a box.” So, I said “okay”, and proceeded to envision walls all around me. Then he challenged, “How do you get out?”
I said, “Well, I punch through it.”
He rolled his eyes and said “No.”
So I guessed again. “I know! I get a box cutter and I slice through the box.”
He took a deep sigh and repeated, “NO.”
And I said “Well, how about if I chew through it?”
He could no longer contain his frustration with me. “Ugh. MOM!”
So I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Okay, how do I do it?” To which he simply replied,
“You just stop pretending!”
We all have our pretend boxes, don’t we.
For more on moving beyond boundaries:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be
Lightening Your Load: Mind Over Matter
Priorities, Productivity and Perspective
Image by Dusan Zidar from Dreamstime.com.
My Most Embarrassing Moment
This week’s blog post, My Most Embarrassing Moment, features a video about one of those experiences I’d rather not repeat and why the most powerful lesson from it didn’t come to me until years later. Below I’ve expanded a bit on the key messages.
One of my most embarrassing moments happened while running on a treadmill at a gym. When I went to fix my hair, my foot hit the part of the treadmill that wasn’t moving and I lost my balance. I hit the belt, which was still moving and was catapulted into the middle of the room where other people were working out. Whether it actually happened or not, it felt as though the room went silent and all eyes were on me.
I’m pretty sure I was bleeding. Though I was bruised and in a lot of pain, it didn’t come close to the humiliation and embarrassment I was experiencing. I smiled and nodded as people asked me if I was okay, pulled myself up and somehow hobbled out of there. To this day, I really don’t like to run on treadmills and tend to avoid them.
The lesson I took from that experience is that treadmills would hurt me. But there was a far more powerful lesson that I initially missed. When I fell, I wasn’t in the moment. My head was somewhere else. I wasn’t conscious or balanced and as a result, bad things happened. My belief that treadmills will hurt me and I need to stay away from them is an assumption. A faulty assumption.
In my new book, The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be, I drew an analogy of assumptions like these to the strings that keep Pinocchio from realizing his dream of becoming real and doing what he really wanted to do. My assumption that I need to stay away from treadmills is keeping me from what could otherwise be a very enjoyable experience, particularly if I don’t have the luxury of running outside. I’ve written a whole chapter about how our assumptions keep us from doing the things we really want to do in our lives and how we can dismantle these strings so that we can live and lead in new, powerful ways.
What’s your treadmill story? Maybe it is something you tried that didn’t go very well and led you to rule out the whole experience and figure you were no good at it. Maybe your story is about a person that reminds you of someone from your past with whom you didn’t have a good experience. In either case, chances are you’re believing things that are not necessarily true and keeping you from something that could be really great.
What would you need to do to be free of that?
Click here if you’d like to order a copy of The Pinocchio Principle, or go to www.PinocchioPrinciple.com for more information.
Become a subscriber at www.DianeBolden.com and receive my free report: Ten Traps Leaders Unwittingly Set for Themselves…and How to Avoid Them.
Though comments are currently closed, please feel free to email me at Diane@DianeBolden.com with your feedback, questions and thoughts. Have a specific challenge you’d like to see a post written about? Let me know. I’d love to hear from you!
Why I Wrote “The Pinocchio Principle”
This video is about what led me to write The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be. If you cannot see it on the page, click here to view it. Below I have expanded on the key messages. I hope you enjoy it!
What I really love about coaching is that it is not about telling people what to do or giving them answers. The beauty and the magic that happens with coaching is that the client gets connected with something inside of them that has all the answers they need. It is their inner wisdom – their creativity, ingenuity and resilience. It is also the seed that contains within it their unique talent, style, energy and passion. And it is amazing to see it come out.
I seek to do this for myself. I want to instill it in my kids. If I could give anything to the world, it would be to show people how to connect to the core of their true selves and to have the courage to bring that to whatever they are doing. I spend a lot of time reflecting on what I can do to get clearer on the process – and what I might be able to write about that could tell the story. One day when I was journaling, Pinocchio popped into my writing.
Pinocchio is a universal story – he is an archetype that mirrors so much of what is happening in our lives right now. Most people think of him as the guy whose nose grew when he lied. But Pinocchio is a story of a puppet that longed to be real. He wanted to transcend that stiff, hollow wooden frame and do things in the world that he couldn’t do as a puppet.
So many of us are at a place where we are ready to go beyond the boundaries we have previously set for ourselves – to dig deeper, dream bigger, and fly higher. We long to shed the strings that keep us tied to illusions that are simply not true – about what we need to do or be to enjoy success, and the limits that we think will keep us from achieving it. Like Pinocchio, so many of us long to be REAL – who we really are beyond the constraints that keep us bound.
What I love about Pinocchio is that he messed up. He told lies and then he recognized the consequences. He landed himself in a cage. He succumbed to temptation. He had misstep after misstep. And yet what the Blue Fairy told him was that to become REAL, he would need to prove himself brave, truthful and unselfish. And I think the same thing is true for all of us. Our journeys will be full of obstacles as well – and there will be times of frustration, anxiety and stress. The experiences we have will activate the courage we have within to be true to ourselves and others and of service in the world, just as Pinocchio’s experiences did for him.
That’s why I wrote The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be. It’s really a road map to help each of us take whatever experience we are having right now and utilize it as a window into ourselves that allows us to tap into whatever we need to rise above any situation that we find ourselves in. My hope is that it will help you navigate the perils and possibilities of your own personal odyssey so that you can unearth your greatness and bring it into the world in such a way that it blesses your own life as well as that of others. As you do this for yourself, you will inspire others to do the same – which I believe is the mark of a true leader – regardless of your vocation, title or role.
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be will be released on 1/11/11 and is now available for preorder at www.PinocchioPrinciple.com. I will also be working with a small group of eight people to lead them through this process (based on the book) as well. A few spots still remain. We’ll meet at my office in Phoenix every other Thursday from 11:30am to 1:00pm from 1/13/11 through 6/16/11. For more information or to register, go to www.DianeBolden.com/AIAL.html. The cost is $900 ($75 a session) and payment plans are available.
Become a subscriber at www.DianeBolden.com and receive my free report: Ten Traps Leaders Unwittingly Set for Themselves…and How to Avoid Them.
Though comments are currently closed, please feel free to email me at Diane@DianeBolden.com with your feedback, questions and thoughts. Have a specific challenge you’d like to see a post written about? Let me know. I’d love to hear from you!
Paths to Proficiency
“Every master was once a disaster.”
I heard someone say that the other day in a yoga class. It gave me comfort. Because I am all too familiar with that awkward, humbling stage that comes with learning something new – when you want to run with the stallions but feel more like a donkey. It’s a universal phenomenon, really. Ralph Waldo Emerson reminds us that “Every artist was once an amateur.”
We can all learn a lot about our paths to proficiency by looking at the ways in which we have mastered things over the course of our lives – whether it be how to drive a car, play our favorite sport, or take up a new hobby. Today, as I was finishing my yoga class, I realized how my experiences on my yoga mat mirror those in my life – and how I can transfer my learnings from one arena to the other. For what it’s worth, I thought I’d share a few of my insights.
(1) There is power in persistent practice. Every once in awhile a yoga instructor demonstrates a pose that evokes a “you’ve got to be kidding” response from me. I always give it a try, and usually the first time I do I look a lot like I feel – completely inept. There is one pose that I have recently dreaded and just about every time I’ve gone to yoga for the last few weeks, this instructor builds it into the class. Ugh. Not again. But I muster up my strength and give it a shot every time, and I have to say it gradually has become less and less onerous to me. This morning I was actually able to hold the pose – it was only for a few seconds – but I did it! And I realize the more I practice, the better I will get at that and the easier and more fun it will become.
Isn’t that like life, though? Every day there are things you can sail through and then there will be those areas that require a lot of hard work, practice and patience before you can feel even the least bit effective. But if you keep at it, one day you will surprise yourself with how far you have come. And everything that led up to that point will be worth it.
(2) Learn from and admire others, but don’t compare yourself to them. Sometimes this is a thin line. As a novice, you need to watch people perform so that you can see how things are done. And even as you get pretty good, you can still learn a lot from others’ examples. But the minute you begin to compare yourself, you will lose your focus and dilute your effectiveness. This is true regardless of whether comparing yourself to others makes you feel inferior or superior. Let me explain.
In yoga, when I watch someone do something to get the proper technique and admire their grace, I can pick up a few tips and then concentrate on getting into my zone so I can do what I need to in the way I need to do it. But the minute I look over at the person next to me to see if I’m doing better or worse, I lose my balance and fall down. I have learned that the same thing holds true in my personal and professional life as well.
When we gauge how well we are doing by comparing ourselves to others, the energy and focus that is required to perform effectively becomes scattered. When you believe you are not measuring up, the confidence that is vital to your success gets sapped. And if you do not believe you can do something, you will inevitably prove yourself right. On the other end of the spectrum, when you believe you are outperforming others and become a little too smug, your confidence can turn into arrogance which shifts your focus from what you are doing to how others are perceiving you. And anything that is more focused on appearances than substance lacks foundation and eventually crumbles.
The best of the best gain their confidence from within – as a product of their effort, focus, and the results that come with effort and focus. They don’t need to compare themselves to other to know that they are good – or to know that they can get even better.
(3) Lighten up and have some fun. In yoga, the instructors are quick to remind people that falling over is par for the course and that the important thing is to just keep on trying – and to play at it. The people in those classes who seem so good at yoga that they could be teaching the class themselves are the first to tell you about how many times they fell over or how long it took them to get to where they are. And they will also tell you that they still fall occasionally. Why? Because once you master something in yoga, there is always a way to deepen the pose or increase the level of difficulty. But when you challenge your balance and fall out of it, you learn what you need to do to stay in it longer next time. That’s how mastery happens.
The same thing is true in life. When we get all balled up in knots trying to make things perfect and avoiding every possible misstep, we risk becoming stagnant and playing small. Getting too attached to the results leads us to stiffen up and become consumed with needing things to happen in the exact way we want them to. Without flexibility, we lose our ability to bend and make the necessary course corrections that allow us to ultimately excel. If you ever look at the top performers in any industry, sport, or artistic endeavor you will notice that accompanying their intensity is an ability to relax into their game in such a way that it appears easy and natural. The ability to play at work is another mark of the master.
(4) Replenish yourself regularly. My favorite part of yoga is the last five minutes of each class. They call it Shivasana. It’s where the previous fifty to eighty minutes of stretching, strengthening and balancing give way to lying flat on your back relaxing every muscle of your body. It is in these last few moments of the class, the instructors will tell you, that all the benefits of the practice take root. In these moments, the mind becomes clear, and stress and tension melt away. The end result is a feeling of freshness and revitalized energy that lasts throughout the day.
In our frenetic lives, it is easy to forget about the importance of pausing every once in awhile to make the most of our experiences – whether by giving ourselves a needed break, or simply taking a moment to assess where we are going, to what degree we are still on course, and what, if any, course corrections are necessary. Being willing to invest our precious time into replenishing ourselves in this way pays handsome dividends – and sometimes the times we think we can’t afford to slow down are in fact the times we cannot afford not to.
My new book, The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be is about getting back to the basics of who you really are, what you are here to accomplish, and how you can unearth your greatness in a way that inspires others to do the same. It is now available on Amazon.
Picture by Vvvstep from Dreamstime.com.
Priorities, Productivity and Perspective
Do you ever feel as though your life is just one big to do list that never gets completed?
Well, if you do you’re not alone. Many of us feel as though a starting gun goes off at the beginning of the day and the hours that follow seem a lot like a marathon with no finish line. Some spend their nights dreaming of the things they worked on during the day or what has yet to be done. And others lie awake thinking about it. It reminds me of the poor guy in Greek mythology, Sisyphus, who was condemned to roll a great boulder to the top of a hill only to have it roll back down just before he reached the summit.
I was feeling this way recently, and in the midst of the craze I was aware of a longing to escape from the tyranny I had created for myself. And it really is a self created tyranny. So much of our lives is dictated by the habits and patterns we fall into and the way we think about things. The danger is when we become so tangled up in routines and thoughts that we forget that we are the ones who created them. A good coach can help you pinpoint the underlying patterns that are the root of the anxiety you are experiencing – so that you can take steps to alleviate your suffering. And with practice, we can all learn to do this for ourselves as well.
I don’t know if I have this whole thing licked just yet, but I believe I’m making progress. I thought it might be helpful to share the process I went through. Though the solution I came up with may not be the right one for you, the process itself may help you find one that is a perfect fit.
(1) GET A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE.
When you get to that point where you feel something’s got to give, the most powerful thing you can do is find a way to pull yourself up and out for a bit – so that instead of being immersed in your pattern, you can simply observe it. I noticed that I was in a continual state of churning — so preoccupied with wanting to keep working at things on my list that I had little patience for anything else that required my attention, including my kids. I was acting in a way that was inconsistent with my true values. And I didn’t like what I saw.
It became apparent that I was having trouble shifting gears from achieving my work related goals to giving energy to other equally important parts of my life. I realized the pressure I was experiencing to finish everything before I could attend to what was next was largely self imposed. What I really want is to experience a sense of ease and lightness in the things that I do — to enjoy not just the outcome, but also the process of achieving my goals and living my life itself – all areas of my life.
(2) CREATE A SYSTEM THAT SUPPORTS YOUR NEW PERSPECTIVE.
Ask yourself the question, what do I need to do to align my actions with my new way of thinking? What new habits or patterns can I create that will better serve me? I had to remind myself that finishing everything on my to do list is a pipe dream that only leads to disappointment. I remembered my own advice to clients – use your never ending “to do” list as a “maybe I’ll do list” so that your mind can rest in knowing that nothing is going to fall through the cracks. With that in mind, I created the following system for myself:
- Each day, I identify a list of my top three to five priority tasks from my “maybe I’ll do list” as well as some additional items that would be great to do but okay to leave undone if necessary. I enter these things on a “THINGS TO DO TODAY” list on my calendar in an appointment slot at the beginning of the day. I also create a “THINGS I DID TODAY” entry as an appointment slot at the end of the day.
- Throughout the day, as I accomplish things, I transfer them from my “THINGS TO DO” list to my “THINGS I DID” list, and take delight as the former list gets smaller while the latter grows larger. (It’s even a bigger thrill for me than checking a box!)
- At the end of the day I spend twenty minutes to stop, assess and plan for the next day. I acknowledge myself for what I have completed. I look at what remains on my “THINGS TO DO LIST” for that day and transfer any incomplete items to my “THINGS TO DO” list for the next day (which leaves my THINGS TO DO list for that day blank and gives me a feeling of closure – woo hoo!). I take a look at my calendar and my “maybe I’ll do list” to assess what my priorities are for the following day and add them to the next day’s list. Then I clean off my desk and go pick up my kids.
Granted, there will be days where all heck breaks loose and I’m unable to follow my system the way I’ve planned it. And that’s OK. The more I follow it, the more engrained and natural it will become. My goal is to change my feeling of being out of control to become more intentional and conscious about the way I use my time. So any little change will be progress. I encourage you to be kind to yourself as you endeavor to change your habits and patterns as well.
(3) BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND
You can start this before you go to bed at night. Envision yourself waking with energy, enthusiasm and inspiration. I like to take a quick glance at my “THINGS TO DO LIST” for the next day with gratitude that I will have everything I need to accomplish it. I believe this allows my subconscious mind to begin working on things while I sleep – which will potentially lead to new insights when I awaken.
As you begin your day, get very clear on what you’d like to experience by day’s end — and every moment in between and see if you can experience that state before you even begin. See if you can remember the last time you were in your productive zone, where you accomplished more than you thought possible. Move into that feeling and replicate it for yourself. If you find yourself becoming anxious, stressed, or slipping into old patterns, come back to your intention and desired perspective, take a deep breath and let it inform your action.
The important thing is to tap into your inner genius to find the answers you most need. I’ve found this to be so important that I’ve written a book about it. It’s called The Pinocchio Principle ~ Being Real: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be and it will be released on 1/11/11. I’ve also decided to work with a small group of eight people to lead them through this process (based on the book) as well. A few spots still remain. We’ll meet at my office in Phoenix for 90 minutes twice a month for a period of six months, beginning in January. Contact me at Diane@DianeBolden.com if you are interested in participating. The cost is $900 ($75 a session) and payment plans are available.
Stay tuned for more information and subscribe to my free monthly ezine at www.DianeBolden.com to hear about free upcoming events, videos and teleseminars.
Though comments are currently closed, please feel free to email me at Diane@DianeBolden.com with your feedback, questions and thoughts. Have a specific challenge you’d like to see a post written about? Let me know. I’d love to hear from you!
In Search of Greatness: Finding Your Zone
Last night Tom Petty was in town and I was lucky enough to get a last minute opportunity to watch him perform. Chuck Berry – at age 83 – was the opening act. He moved and grooved and belted out his tunes with just as much energy and passion that he did fifty years ago. And then TP and the Heartbreakers took the stage. They rocked the house. People were out of their seats from the very first song and transported to a place that transcended time and space – where worries, tension and stress simply melt away.
I love to watch people who have mastered their craft enter their zones. They are mesmerizing. Uplifting. Inspiring. Fascinating to watch. And their energy is contagious. They have the ability to connect with people they’ve never even seen before and somehow leave them in a better state than they were before. Their impact on us remains long after we have parted ways.
It’s easy to see this state of grace in people who perform – like musicians, actors, athletes, speakers, dancers, etc. But any of us can get into a zone that allows us to experience a state of flow, where we become one with the work in such a way that it can feel effortless and transformational. And that can have a powerful impact on everyone around us as well.
As I watched Tom Petty perform, I noticed three major things about him that I believe are key to finding your zone – no matter who you are or what you do.
(1) Don’t take yourself too seriously.
“It’s all right if you love me. It’s all right if you don’t.” Classic line from a classic Tom Petty song. I imagine the first time he performed, he probably cared a lot about what people thought of him. Most of us have gotten hooked into worrying about the opinion of others at one time or another. Wanting to win approval and admiration isn’t a crime. And there is nothing wrong with desiring success. But getting too attached to it can have adverse effects. It’ll trip you up and keep you from entering your zone. There is a sweet spot that Tom Petty and other great masters of their crafts have found – one that allows them to play at success without becoming preoccupied with it. The paradox is that letting go of the intense need for success seems to have a way of somehow unlocking the gates for it to come in – and it makes everything a lot more fun.
(2) Be WHERE you are.
The timeless place Tom Petty transported his audience to was largely a product of his own ability to completely immerse himself in what was taking place around him in each moment. He could not have been more present. In this state, we do not fret over things that happened yesterday or worry about what might happen tomorrow. We simply allow things to unfold around us in such a way that we can remain tuned in and turned on. We connect with our intuition. We act on our insights and learn to improvise. Rather than waiting for the “right opportunity” to do what we love, we begin where we are and allow everything that we do to be an expression of love in and of itself. And we create a space that connects us to others in profound ways.
(3) Be WHO you are.
Tom Petty’s voice is distinctive. And so is his style. Maybe he found it immediately. Maybe, like many of us, he started out by emulating someone else before he discovered that what came naturally to him worked better than anything else he tried. Great artists often learn by studying and duplicating the work of other artists. But the best of the best eventually break out of the mold and find their unique form. The same is true for each of us. We begin our lives by learning from and mirroring others, but at some point the time comes for us to step into and embrace our uniqueness. Gradually, we learn to trust that the gifts we have each been given are there for a reason and find ways to put them to use. As we believe in ourselves and our ability to contribute to something greater than ourselves, our work – like that of Tom Petty and Chuck Berry – becomes an inspiration to others.
As I was leaving the stadium after the concert had ended, I noticed a man on the street playing his heart out on a tenor sax. Taped to the pole he was standing next to was a large cardboard sign on which was written in bold black letters the words:
“YOU HAVE GREATNESS WITHIN YOU.
SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD.
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND YOUR DREAMS
AND THEY WILL COME TRUE.”
I couldn’t agree more.
My new book, The Pinocchio Principle ~ Becoming Real: Authentic Leadership for the 21st Century is about unleashing your greatness. It will be released on January 11, 2011 and will soon be available to pre-order. Stay tuned for more information and subscribe to my free monthly ezine at www.DianeBolden.com to hear about free upcoming events, videos and teleseminars.
Though comments are currently closed, please feel free to email me at Diane@DianeBolden.com with your feedback, questions and thoughts. Have a specific challenge you’d like to see a post written about? Let me know. I’d love to hear from you!
Outwitting Overwhelm – from Frustration to Freedom
If you’ve been following my blog for the last few weeks, you may have noticed that many of the posts have been about getting unstuck, overcoming procrastination and overwhelm, and moving forward. That’s because these are challenges I’ve been working through lately. And one of the best ways I know to find answers and solutions to my challenges is, well, to write about them. I think it’s because writing about something requires you to hold a question in your mind that allows you to access answers. Sometimes my answers come through writing, and sometimes they come through in other ways.
One of the insights I received came through watching my nine year old son do his homework. There is a dynamic there that has both fascinated and frustrated me. The kid is really smart. And his homework is really not that hard. He could sit down and finish it in a matter of minutes. But the second he pulls it out of his backpack, something happens that literally freezes him in his tracks. It’s as if a huge mountain has suddenly erupted out of the page and grown into a formidable and intimidating barrier between what he needs to do and his ability to get it done.
He sits and stares at the paper. He complains about the work it requires him to do. He worries that he’s not going to be able to do it right (or at all). And then any little thing that captures his attention suddenly absorbs every ounce of energy and focus he has. A bug. A little drop of water on the counter. The way the numbers on the digital clock change with each minute. Thin air has even captivated him in this state. And hours can go by before he has mustered enough courage and motivation to even raise a pencil to paper.
“Ryan,” my husband and I tell him, “in the time you take to complain and fuss about it, you could have it finished!” “You can easily do this – you are so smart!” we tell him. Amazing. None of that seems to get through.
And then I realized that my son is a mirror image of me when I get overwhelmed.
It’s not that the tasks are all that hard or the obstacles too entirely difficult to overcome. It’s that somehow my mind enlarges them to several times their normal size so that it feels as though I am getting ready to tackle Mount Everest when in reality I only need to take a little stroll around the block. I tell myself stories (sometimes consciously and other times unconsciously) about how difficult things will be – especially things I’ve never done before. And I get sucked into the crazy fallacy I have battled my entire life that has me believing I need to get everything perfect. Before I even realize what’s going on, I feel totally fatigued – can’t even think straight. And then I need to just sit for awhile – or go find something to do that is easy, so I can check a box and feel as though I have accomplished something, anything.
So now I know where my son gets it. Instead of trying to teach him. I have decided to allow him to be my teacher. In addition to showing me what is standing in my way, he has reminded me that all the words in the world don’t make a difference when you are trying to teach someone to do something you have not yet mastered. Kids learn through action, not words. And so do adults.
So if I’m going to do even a lick of good for this kid, (and my other kids, and my clients, and anyone else I might want to help), I have got to get busy working on myself. But how do you overcome a lifetime of perfectionistic patterns that keep you from taking the action necessary to achieve your grandest visions and goals?
With this question at the top of my mind, I went for a run. As with just about any of my runs, the first fifteen minutes was hard. I was tired and stiff. It wasn’t fun. But I powered through it. And then I got into my zone. My legs felt lighter. My breathing evened out. My head began to clear. I started to enjoy myself. And I ran a little faster and a little harder. It felt good.
And then I had a second, equally powerful insight. To break out of the perfectionism trap – to get out of overwhelm, to free myself from my own self-created prison, I simply need to get into action. To take even one small step toward my desired goal – with the knowledge that at first it may be uncomfortable, stilted, far from pretty, less than perfect. And then to take another, and another and another. Until finally I reach my zone. I have a feeling the more diligence and effort I put into those initial steps, the more quickly I will get through that “warm up” period and into a place where I can actually make headway – and – dare I say it – even have some fun?!
So that’s my simple plan. And I’m sticking to it. And when I need a little more motivation and inspiration, I’m going to go hang out with my son for awhile.
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”
~ Albert Einstein
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Though comments are currently closed, please feel free to email me at Diane@DianeBolden.com with your feedback, questions and thoughts. Have a specific challenge you’d like to see a post written about? Let me know. I’d love to hear from you!
