What if You’re Not as Fine as You Look?

 

 

Someone I love is suffering. Which means I am suffering.

As I’ve tried to navigate this most unpleasant experience, I’ve become aware of something: more people are suffering right now than I ever realized. Clients. Friends. Family. Neighbors. Strangers in passing. The next time you’re surrounded by people — in a meeting, at the grocery store, scrolling past faces on a screen — take a look around. Chances are someone you see is suffering. Or maybe it’s you.

And suffering has a way of tearing you apart, because despite your best efforts to make everything better, you eventually run into the truth: some things are outside your control.

Here’s what I’ve noticed. Regardless of the cause, suffering brings emotions that are uncomfortable, inconvenient — the kind we’re conditioned to hide. We live in a culture that prides itself on having it all together. Social media rewards the highlight reel. And work asks for a particular kind of performance: leave your problems at the door, put on the happy face, get the job done.

So we suck it up. We push it down. We deny the feeling, deny the reality that we’re suffering at all.

It’s a survival tactic, and it’s socially rewarded. You can put on a semi-happy face, tend to the business at hand, show up, produce. You can muster the energy to keep moving while leaving your heart behind you. You can hold everything and everyone at a polite, boundaried distance.

But it comes at a cost. And the cost is steeper than it looks.

What denial actually costs you

It takes an enormous amount of energy to resist an emotion that’s already welled up inside you. That effort shows up as exhaustion at the end of the day — the kind no amount of sleep touches, because it was never physical to begin with.

What I’m realizing is that our attempts to escape pain wall us off from the very thing that has the power to relieve it. Shutting the door on your heart will, in fact, keep the pain out. But it’ll also keep out joy, connection, inspiration, presence — everything on the other side of that same door.

Something vital departs. The work goes stale. Conversations become droll. Meetings get attended by a version of you that checked out somewhere around the parking lot. You go through the motions, check the boxes, but you yourself are not really there.

And you can’t connect to others when you’re not connected to yourself. People feel the distance — and they tend to meet it with more distance. It becomes a quiet, compounding cycle that alienates the very people you love and lead. Left unchecked, you risk becoming a hollow shell of what you once were: still moving, still producing, but lifeless underneath it.

So is the answer to swing the other way?

Is the fix to run around telling everyone what’s going on — airing every frustration, narrating every hard day, making your suffering everyone’s business?

No. That’s not it either.

The answer is simpler, and considerably less dramatic: it’s to feel what you’re already feeling. Not necessarily at work. Not while you’re on the hook to deliver something. But somewhere in your life, to actually be present with the emotion that’s asking for your attention.

Emotion is, quite literally, energy in motion. It has a charge. It’s trying to get you to notice it — not so you’ll perform it publicly, but so you’ll let it move.

That’s the part most of us skip. We treat emotion like a problem to solve or a weakness to manage, instead of something that simply needs to pass through. And when it doesn’t get to pass through, it doesn’t go away — it just gets buried under the effort of holding it together.

There’s another way through this

What if, instead of walling yourself off from the sadness, the frustration, the tenderness, you let it move through you the way it wants to? Underneath the discomfort, there’s energy — real, unharnessed energy that doesn’t have to just sit there. It can be redirected into creativity, into clarity, into the kind of presence that lets you actually show up for the people around you.

That’s not a small shift. It’s the difference between a leader who’s performing steadiness and one who’s actually offering it.

I’ll be honest — I don’t think feeling your way through something is the whole answer. It’s the doorway. What happens once you actually let an emotion move — what it feels like, what it turns into, and why sitting with it changes its shape entirely — is worth its own conversation. That’s next.

How to Navigate Change Without Losing Yourself in the Process

 

Something I’ve noticed about the way most leaders navigate change: they try to power through it.

They treat uncertainty like an obstacle to overcome — something to be solved, managed, or outwaited. And the harder they push, the more exhausted and disoriented they become. Not because the change is too hard. But because they’re approaching it from the wrong place inside themselves.

There’s a version of you that can meet change, challenge, and uncertainty with something that looks a lot like courage and grace. I’ve seen it emerge in leaders who were convinced they didn’t have it. And I’ve watched the same leaders miss it entirely when they tried to force their way through.

The difference isn’t talent. It’s where they’re operating from.

Two ways of showing up

In my work with leaders, I talk about two distinct modes of operating. I call them the Puppet and the Genius.

The Puppet isn’t weak or lazy. In fact, it tends to show up most forcefully in the highest achievers — the ones with the most at stake, the most responsibility, the most pressure. The Puppet operates from fear, from the need to control outcomes, from the accumulated weight of every expectation and assumption about how things should go. When change hits, the Puppet tightens its grip. It defaults to what has always worked. It resists what it cannot predict.

The Genius is something different. It’s the part of you that can stay curious when everything is uncertain. That can ask “what is this situation asking of me?” instead of “how do I make this stop?” It’s the part that trusts your own capacity to navigate whatever comes — not because you have all the answers, but because you’ve stopped pretending you need them before you can move.

Here’s what I’ve noticed: the Genius doesn’t arrive when the change gets easier. It arrives when you stop fighting the change and start getting interested in it.

What this looks like in practice

A client of mine — a VP navigating a significant organizational restructure — came to me exhausted and furious. Everything she had built was being dismantled. Her team was scattered. Her role was unclear. She had a dozen reasons to be angry, and she was right about all of them.

But the anger wasn’t helping her lead. It was keeping her locked in Puppet mode — reactive, contracted, focused on what she was losing rather than what was possible.

What shifted things wasn’t a new strategy. It was a question: “What if this disruption is happening for you, not to you?”

Not as a platitude. As a genuine inquiry. What might this change be making room for? What has the old structure been preventing? What could you do now that you couldn’t before?

She sat with that for a long moment. And then something in her face changed. Not relief exactly. More like recognition.

“I’ve been so focused on what I’m losing,” she said, “I haven’t once asked what I might gain.”

The practice

When you’re in the middle of change that feels threatening, try this: notice which part of you is in the driver’s seat.

Is it the part that is contracted, defensive, focused on risk and loss and what might go wrong? That’s the Puppet. It means well. It’s trying to protect you. But it cannot lead you through what it cannot see.

Or is there a quieter part available — one that is curious, grounded, willing to not know yet? That’s the Genius. It doesn’t need the change to be resolved before it can show up. It shows up precisely because the change is unresolved.

Navigating change well doesn’t mean being unaffected by it. It means choosing, again and again, which part of yourself gets to respond.

 

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If this resonates, I explore the Puppet and the Genius at length in my book The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming a Real Leader.

 

 

 

The real root of overwhelm (it isn’t what you think)

 

What if you didn’t need to change your circumstances to get rid of your stress?

When something is bothering you, you likely seek out the cause and try to address it.  But when you focus your energy on something that isn’t really the root of the problem, you’re wasting your time (and likely increasing your stress).

This week I’m sharing a very short excerpt from a webinar that will explain how to avoid that trap and get to the root of your stress, frustration, overwhelm or anxiety so you the effort, time and energy you spend addressing it actually pays off.

If you’d like more support on overcoming overwhelm, overwork and burnout, visit UnleashtheExtraordinary.com.

Here’s to your success!

Diane

How to outwit overwhelm (even on the verge of burnout)

 

How do you keep yourself from getting overwhelmed, overworked, and completely burned out?  While there is no easy answer, this week’s video will help you reach a turning point and begin creating a new trajectory that is much more likely to get you where you really want to go.

For more support, check out UnleashtheExtraordinary.com.

Here’s to your success!

Diane

Ever have one of those days?

 

You know those days… when nothing seems to be going your way. I filmed this video on one of them – to remind myself as much as you, what to do to get things back on track.

Here’s to your success!

Diane

P.S. If you’d like more on how to bring out your best (even when things are at their worst), visit UnleashtheExtraordinary.com.

One of The Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make

 

Have you ever noticed that pressure, volatility, and uncertainty lead people to revert to primitive behavior? In the grip of it, they prioritize their own needs over those of others, let fear and anxiety call the shots, and short circuit their ability to think clearly (or at all).

It happens to all of us.

The more it holds your attention, the more likely you are to continue falling down that rabbit hole. Your focus shifts to…

…what you’re afraid of (or want to avoid)

…what’s out of your control

…what brings you down

…what you lack

…doubt and skepticism

…worry, anxiety, and preoccupations

…judgement and set stories about how things are

That mindset becomes a prevailing force that’ll keep you stuck because in that state you’ll cut yourself off from the stronger, wiser part of yourself – what I call your Genius.

But with conscious intention and commitment, you can interrupt that process and become the leader that helps others escape from and avoid that trap.

It all starts by shifting your focus…

…from what you want to minimize or move away from to what you want to move toward

…from getting something (for yourself) to giving something (to others)

…from doubt to confidence (in yourself, others, and life itself)

…from what’s beyond your control to what you can influence

…from worry, anxiety, and preoccupation to the present moment and trust in the process

…from what brings you down (irritation) to what amps you up (appreciation), and

…from judgement and stories about how things are to curiosity, learning, and growth

When you move from the concerns of your ego to access your Genius (higher nature), you’ll have a very different experience too.

You’ll enjoy:

• The energy and vitality to perform at your highest level without getting beaten down by stress, pressure, and overwhelm,
• A renewed passion and sense of meaning that gives you the strength to overcome obstacles and resilience to bounce back from setbacks,
• Heightened creativity and ingenuity to find answers to problems that previously stumped you – and to navigate change, challenge, and uncertainty with courage, confidence, and ease, and
• The ability to create strong connections with people that inspire trust and increase your ability to influence and truly lead.

It all begins with conscious awareness of where you are and where you want to be and a willingness to intentionally shift your focus in ways that allow you to bridge that gap.

We all have the ability to lead ourselves and others above circumstances that would otherwise keep us down, and there is never a better time to start than now.

What if Time is On Your Side?

Do you ever find yourself in a place where, despite your best efforts, nothing seems to be working out the way you want it to? 

Maybe you have an amazing idea that you just can’t seem to get off the ground. Perhaps you’ve made progress toward a goal and suddenly feel stymied or unable to gain the resources or support you need to move forward. You might be navigating some kind of transition that has you wondering whether that next thing for you is ever going to materialize.

When obstacles seem to be coming from all directions and you keep running into walls, it’s easy to lose hope and become consumed with frustration.

Sometimes it seems the only options are to throw in the towel or buckle down and try harder. We are conditioned as a society to do the latter, and sometimes that is what it takes to bust through the barriers that confront us. But when you continue to run into setback after setback, it may serve you better to stop for a while and survey the territory before proceeding — as what you thought was a frustrating delay is actually integral to getting you where we want to go.

There is a part of you that knows exactly what you need to do to succeed in any given area – a part of you that has knowledge of a bigger picture and all the moving parts necessary to bring your grandest goals and visions to fruition.

This wiser part of you knows exactly what you need to do (or not do) to yield the best results. It communicates in nonlinear ways — through feelings and flashes of insight that leave your logical mind wanting more details. And it rises above the noise in your head when you are consciously present.

To tap your sager self, you must learn to become attuned to what’s going on in this moment, trusting that amid frustrating delays and setbacks something advantageous may be happening. Tuning into it could allow you to move beyond resistance and frustration and gain clarity on what needs to happen next.

When I was writing The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming a Real Leader, I hit a wall and forced myself to write despite my lack of inspiration. Before long I realized that I simply couldn’t continue and took a break. I ended up throwing away everything I made myself write under my own duress, as it was flat, mechanical and uninspired. I replaced it with stories about the previous months’ experiences, which turned out to be quite relevant. As I wrote, the words seemed to fly onto the page, and I was back in my flow again.

You too may need to experience something that is integral to the next phase of your greatest vision, goal or project. So, when you feel frustration, look beyond what appears to be limitation to perceive the gifts it is bringing you. It could be the very springboard you need to get you back in your game.

The Fallacy of Failure… and How to Rise Above It

“What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?”

~ Robert H. Schuller

It’s easy to think of shooting for the moon when the idea of crashing to the ground doesn’t enter the picture. We can dream and scheme all we want, but to make our dreams real, we must act. And when we do, the idea of failure has a way of creeping in despite our best attempts to move forward.

Failure means different things to different people. But what’s most debilitating about the idea of it is having to experience or endure some kind of pain – pain of rejection, embarrassment, loss, financial ruin – not to mention its actual physical variations.

The interesting thing about pain is that, thankfully, it is usually finite. It comes and it goes. And while we don’t always have control over whether we experience it, we do seem to play a part in how long it lasts and how uncomfortable it gets.

As a kid, getting immunizations was terrifying. I remember how worked up I would get before the needle even came close to my skin. And I watched my kids do the same thing –screaming or wailing before contact was ever actually made.  But a few seconds later, the injections were completed before they even realized it.

They got off the exam table and immediately went onto other things – except when one of them, in need of a little more sympathy deliberately focused on the blood on the bandage – making the experience into something far more painful than it needed to be.

I think we do the same thing when we contemplate the pain that accompanies what we believe would be “failure”. Our minds have a way of making it far more ominous than it ever is in reality. And if we happen to find ourselves experiencing it, we can also fall into the trap of unwittingly making it more uncomfortable than it needs to be.

But we can also exercise resilience and determination in our ability to bounce back and focus on something that will allow us to move forward despite an otherwise unpleasant experience.

Because what it really comes down to is what your experiences – regardless of the way they turn out – have given you, rather than cost you. People who have accomplished extraordinary things in the world are the first to tell you that what many refer to as “failure” has plagued them time after time.  And many will tell you those experiences were prerequisites for their success.

What differentiates them from those who allowed “failure” to defeat them is that they picked themselves up, figured out what they could learn, and moved forward armed with a new awareness, a new understanding, and a renewed commitment to their greatest dreams and visions.

What great thing can YOU achieve today, knowing that you simply cannot fail?

Could There be Clarity Hidden in Your Chaos?

Ever have a stretch where work (and life) is filled with unpredictable twists and turns, inexplicable delays, and random disorder?

It can be frustrating, unsettling and unnerving.

Our nature as humans is to seek meaning in the things that happen to us. But when there is no logical explanation, we are left scratching our heads wondering what to make of it.

If you’ve ever driven by a construction site and wondered what was being built, you may have noticed the same kind of disjointed activity… people working diligently, each focused on their own specific task… steel girders, half constructed walls, and unidentifiable objects at various stages of completion.

Upon first glance it likely appears chaotic and messy.

But amidst the sawdust and cement blocks, something pulls it all together. Though you may not know exactly what the larger plan is, over time the construction starts to take shape, and you begin to recognize a room here, and another there. Soon you can start to surmise the purpose and function of each room.

As the walls are plastered and paint is applied, the appearance becomes neater. And suddenly, it is completed in all its glory – a stunning compilation of raw materials, sweat, and focused action.

Perhaps we too build things in this way. It is nice to know in advance exactly what we are building. But at times things may feel chaotic, disconnected and random. We have some experiences that uplift us and others that disappoint. Often, we are without an explanation of why certain events and experiences are taking place.

But maybe underneath it all, there is a larger plan at work.

One that will reveal itself over time. As we undertake each new experience, another wall is constructed, and a new room is being built.

What if we were willing to experience our lives with the same wonder and curiosity with which we look upon that building undergoing construction? And what if we were able to engender that same enthusiasm and optimism in everyone around us?

Are you willing to entertain the thought that somewhere within you, there is a perfect blueprint of everything your life and your leadership will bring about?

And can you delight in the mystery of its gradual unfolding?

 

“A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.” -Antoine de Saint-Exupery

 

Are You at a Crossroads?

 

Are you at a crossroads in your life or your career?

Do you feel like something amazing is ready to bust through but not sure exactly what it is, or how it will take form?

Do you find that things you used to be good at are no longer satisfying or even interesting?

Have you been daydreaming or even just longing for something different but not sure where to start?

It might feel disconcerting and even overwhelming. Maybe you think you need to change jobs or even careers. Or perhaps you just feel you need a change of scene – different projects, new challenges, new opportunities. You might still be reeling from a recent significant change.

Is something new and different beckoning?…maybe a great idea brewing that you just haven’t had the time (or the courage) to explore? Perhaps you’ve put it on the back burner and tried to dismiss recurring daydreams to go back to the tried and true, but it the tried and true just doesn’t seem to work for you anymore.

In fact, it could become downright miserable. And though you continue to resist the feeling that there’s got to be more than this, you can’t help but wonder if it might be true.

If any of this resonates, you are on the verge of an exciting, energizing transformation. But it may or may not feel exciting and energizing. Right now, it could just be disconcerting and uncomfortable. And you may not know exactly what to do about it.

What if you were not alone?

Would it help to know that many people are feeling the same way? Some of them have just quit their jobs because they were miserable. Some have been laid off. Others are at the pinnacles of their careers, by all appearances wildly successful but dying on the inside.

Some are at the helms of corporations or large organizations, wanting to take things in new, exciting directions but not sure where to go or how to get there. Others are inside organizations, acutely aware of what’s possible and what’s not working, but hesitant to volunteer their thoughts and ideas or fearful that doing so is just too risky.

Still more are entrepreneurs, artists, musicians, writers, and other creative, innovative, and resourceful people that are playing (or wrestling) with the idea of entering unchartered territory.

The good news is you don’t have to go off the deep end. 

Though change is knocking at your door (and may already have come through it), you don’t necessarily have to tear everything down and start over again. You just need to learn to see things differently – your opportunities, your challenges, your very self.

And you must learn to tap the reserves and the brilliance that is within you.