Moving Toward Mastery: 4 Tips for Overcoming the Beginner’s Dilemma

 

“Every master was once a disaster.”

I am all too familiar with that awkward, humbling stage that comes with learning something new – when you want to run with the stallions but feel more like a donkey. It’s a universal phenomenon, really. Ralph Waldo Emerson reminds us that, “Every artist was once an amateur.”

We can all learn a lot about our paths to proficiency by looking at the ways in which we have mastered things over the course of our lives – whether it is how to drive a car, play our favorite sport, or take up a new hobby. Upon reflection, I realized how I can transfer my learnings from one arena to the other.

(1) There is power in persistent practice.

Sometimes my yoga instructor demonstrates a pose that evokes a “you’ve got to be kidding” response from me. I always give it a try, and usually the first time I do I look a lot like I feel – completely inept. She managed to work one of those dreaded poses in for several weeks. But I gave it a shot every time, and I have to say it gradually became less awkward. Before too long I was actually able to hold the pose – even if only for a few seconds. And I realized the more I practiced, the better I would get and the easier and more fun it would become.

Isn’t that like life, though? Every day there are things you can sail through and there are those things that require practice and patience before you can feel even the least bit effective. But if you keep at it, one day you will surprise yourself with how far you have come. And everything that led up to that point will be worth it.

(2) Learn from and admire others, but don’t compare yourself to them.

As a novice, you watch people perform so that you can see how things are done. And even as you gain skill, you can still learn a lot from others’ examples. But the minute you begin to compare yourself, you will lose your focus and dilute your effectiveness. This is true regardless of whether comparing yourself to others makes you feel inferior or superior.

When we gauge how well we are doing by comparing ourselves to others, the energy and focus that is required to perform effectively becomes scattered. And if you do not believe you can do something, you will inevitably prove yourself right. On the other end of the spectrum, when you believe you are outperforming others and become a little too smug, your confidence can turn into arrogance, which shifts your focus from what you are doing to how others are perceiving you. And anything that is more focused on appearances than substance lacks foundation and eventually crumbles.

The best of the best gain their confidence from within – as a product of their effort, focus, and the results that come with effort and focus. They don’t need to compare themselves to other to know that they are good – or to learn that they can get even better.

(3) Lighten up and have some fun.

When we get all balled up in knots trying to make things perfect and avoiding every possible misstep, we risk becoming stagnant and playing small. Getting too attached to the results leads us to stiffen up and become consumed with needing things to happen in the exact way we want them to. Without flexibility, we lose our ability to bend and make the necessary course corrections that allow us to ultimately excel. If you ever look at the top performers in any industry, sport, or artistic endeavor you will notice that accompanying their intensity is an ability to relax into their game in such a way that it appears easy and natural. The ability to play at work is another mark of the master.

(4) Replenish yourself regularly.

In our frenetic lives, it is easy to forget about the importance of pausing every once in awhile to make the most of our experiences – whether by giving ourselves a needed break, or simply taking a moment to assess where we are going, to what degree we are still on course, and what, if any, course corrections are necessary. Being willing to invest our precious time into replenishing ourselves in this way pays handsome dividends – and sometimes the times we think we can’t afford to slow down are in fact the times we cannot afford not to.

The speed and effectiveness with which we move toward mastery is a direct result of the way in which we approach our challenges and opportunities. The Real Leader’s Guide to Freedom & Flow Group Intensive is a program designed to help you make a bigger impact while enjoying the process, both on and off the job. Though the spring program is now full, you can get on the waiting list for priority access to the fall program, kicking off in September. For more information, visit The Real Leader’s Guide to Freedom & Flow Group Intensive.

Getting Connected: What Intuition and the Internet Have in Common

 

“Intuition will tell the thinking mind where to look next.” ~ Jonas Salk

 Lately, I have been marveling over the wonder that is the internet.

My kids called me “ancient” when I explained that when I was a student, doing a research paper entailed spending hours in a library pouring over books and periodicals to get the required information. They can’t imagine what a world without the internet would be like. And frankly, neither can I. The vast amount of data available at our fingertips at any given moment is truly amazing. Most of us don’t really think all that much about it anymore. We just expect it.

What if you had a faster way of accessing your inner wisdom?

After musing a little more, it hit me that the logical mind is to the library as intuition (or gut instinct) is to the internet. When we are in our heads, using logical, analytical thought it’s a lot like only being able to read the books on a bookshelf, or using a computer that is offline. We only have access to the data that is stored in the immediate vicinity, which can be largely outdated or even obsolete.

And living in our heads often requires quite a bit of time and energy to try to figure stuff out and make things happen just the way we think they should. When it doesn’t, we often get frustrated, try harder to get everything to work, and ultimately feel like we just keep hitting walls. The frustration can lead us to cut ourselves off from our intuition, which like the internet, has access to far greater things than we might realize.

Intuition connects us to a rich source of data we may not otherwise notice.

Accessing our intuition allows us to connect to knowledge that surpasses what we can directly see, feel, hear, touch, or taste. We plug into information that allows us to feel connected to others – to hear beyond the words they are speaking to what they are not saying but feeling. We tap into the realm of possibilities and opportunities and begin to discern what we can do to leverage and act on them. We can also pick up warnings about options that are not in our best interest. When we are in our heads, we miss these things and/or inclined to resist them because they are seemingly irrational or inexplicable.

Connecting to intuition allows us not only to receive data but also to send it.

It’s a lot like doing a search on the internet. When you want to learn about something, you enter a key word and then receive a variety of links that will take you to more information on the subject. Similarly, when you set your intention on something you want in your life – peace, clarity, or a satisfying resolution in some conflict or challenge – you send a signal to the vast field beyond what is in your head that gathers information and energy aligned with that intention and brings it into your awareness. You access an infinite field of creativity and wisdom from which the greatest inventions, discoveries, and creations of our time originated.

We all access intuition in our own way.

For some, it is visual – like seeing a picture or words on a screen or in the mind. Others can get it through audio, perhaps picking up words in a song, a conversation, or even hearing words in their heads. And many of us get a feeling or a strong prompting to do one thing or another. Sometimes our experiences themselves take on increased significance when we begin to recognize that what is taking place has some relation to our inquiry or intention. When we act on these inklings, things have a way of falling into place in such a way that our intention comes to pass.

Unlike the internet, our connection to this greater field is always accessible.

When we consciously rely on it, keeping our thoughts focused on what we want most in life, we will experience a sense of flow, peace, and deep satisfaction that mirrors our state of mind. When we allow our connections to become interrupted with frustration, doubt, anxiety and fear, we tend to draw to ourselves experiences that match those thoughts.

Try it and see for yourself.

The next time you catch yourself feeling anxious or stressed—frustrated about not being able to solve a problem, resolve a conflict, tackle a challenge—make a conscious decision to move from your head to your gut, and then balance the two. Choose what you want to experience and allow that to be your guiding intention. Your intuition will allow you access to ideas and possibilities that are just outside the boundaries of your mind, and your head will help you process and act on that information in a way that brings you what you want.

Accessing your intuition enables you to up level your leadership and your life.

If you are interested in a guided experience that allows you to reconnect to your inner wisdom and strength and find the answers you need to usher in a greater sense of meaning, higher level of performance, and lasting fulfillment, I encourage you to check out The Real Leader’s Guide to Freedom and Flow Group Intensive, an exclusive twelve-week small group mastermind/coaching program/online training course kicking off on March 20. Sign up before March 10 and receive a 15% early bird discount!

 

How to Create Moments of Meaning (Even in the Midst of Mania)

 

“You ready for the holidays?”

It’s a question people often ask each other this time of year. I don’t know if I’m ever ready – from the standpoint of having all the boxes checked, anyway.

I know there are people out there – you may be one of them – who finished their holiday shopping weeks ago, had their houses beautifully decorated on or before Thanksgiving day, and seem to find the time to send handmade cards to everyone they know. I have secretly dreamt of being one of those people, and maybe someday I will be.

I tend to identify more with those still scurrying around at the last minute. You know, the ones dashing to the mall on Christmas eve for that one last present they forgot about and return home to feverishly wrap gifts before people come over – all the while swearing that next year will be different.

What I really long for is to simply enjoy every aspect of the holidays.

It is a season of giving, sharing, and celebrating something bigger than ourselves. It brings us together and transforms our everyday lives into something sacred.

And this opportunity is always available to us.

With every gift we buy or wrap, every card we send, or every decoration we hang, we have the ability to infuse it with presence – our ability to be truly engaged not only with whatever it is we are doing, but with the bigger reason of WHY we are doing it – even if we get a late start.

Perhaps the ideal is not in being able to do more things sooner, but to put more of ourselves into the things we are able to do now despite whatever circumstances we find ourselves in.

When people pour their hearts into whatever they are doing, you can feel it. 

The cards that arrive in our mailbox that have been perfunctorily generated don’t seem to move us as much as those people have taken the time to hand write something on – even if it is just our name. Likewise, the gifts that had some element of thought in them often end up meaning more to us than those someone spent a lot of money on. The true spirit of giving is more about the spirit than the gift itself.

And the spirit of giving and celebration doesn’t have to end in December.

We have the ability to enrich every moment of our lives with it. Albert Camus once said, “Real generosity toward the future lies in giving all to the present.” That means forgetting about all our preoccupations and busyness and being right here, right now – truly engaged in the purpose of whatever it is we are doing and deeply connected to whoever we are with.

In business and in life, this practice separates the most truly prosperous and successful people from all the rest. They have a knack for making others feel valued and for infusing meaning into whatever it is they do or invite others to do. They spend their time doing what is most important and pour their hearts and souls into it. As a result, they are living examples of whatever they believe most strongly in.

Perhaps this is the true art of giving, living, and leading – one that transcends holidays and spills over into our every day lives.

It’s never too late to start bringing more presence and engagement into your life amidst the frenzy of a crazy schedule and ongoing demands, despite the time of year. Stay tuned for more information on my upcoming online course and group intensive, The Real Leader’s Guide to Freedom and Flow, or click here to get on the waiting list and get first priority (with no obligation) at the limited spots that will soon be available.

Wishing you and yours a beautiful and blessed holiday!

 

How to Survive (and Thrive) in Change and Chaos

 

Many of us are experiencing a great deal of pressure, anxiety and change.

The holidays are upon us. The leadership of our country is transitioning. And many are in the midst of personal or professional change as well. Frustration and turmoil are common responses to this kind of uncertainty and disorientation, leading to exhaustion and hopelessness. But consider this as you think about things that may feel as though they are spinning out of control…

What if the only thing truly standing in your way of peace, productivity, and purpose – was your thinking?

One of the key attributes embodied by extraordinary leaders in all walks of life is encapsulated in the word “responsibility” – not just in a moral or ethical sense of being accountable for our actions, but also remembering that there is wisdom in recognizing that we have the ability to choose our response. That response we choose will have a resounding impact on ourselves and everyone around us.

Here are four tips to help you move gracefully through change and chaos:

(1) Identify what is within your power to influence.

The greatest change agents start by recognizing what they have to work with before identifying change that can be sustained. They don’t waste their time worrying about things that are truly out of their control, like changing the weather. Instead, they focus their attention and energy on those things that they can influence. The greatest leaders know that the most powerful and sustainable change must start from within themselves.

(2) Recognize your stories.

 “We are not troubled by things, but by the opinion we have of things.” – Epictetus

 The thing that fascinates me about a seemingly chaotic state of affairs is not so much what is happening, but the stories we are telling ourselves about what it means and the impact those stories are having on the way we are responding to it. When we react to things with fear, we end up amplifying what we are afraid of and add to the anxiety. Our fears drive us to act in ways that keep us from acting on our intuition and finding the answers that will truly serve us. Sometimes, we end up behaving in ways that make our fictional stories become real.

As an example, when you are feeling so overwhelmed that you question whether you’ll get all the important things done, you are likely to approach things in a way that draws them out – perhaps by procrastinating, making things more complicated than they need to be, or using more energy to resist and worry than it would take to actually get things done.

(3) Think of the worst-case scenario.

Our rational minds want answers and security. They need to figure everything out and almost automatically occupy themselves with trying to sort through data to arrive at conclusions. The problem is that our minds are plugging imaginary variables into the equation that end up further exacerbating the anxiety we are already experiencing. When they are done with one variable, they plug in another and the churning continues, leaving us with an uneasiness that keeps us on edge.

In the grip of this madness, sometimes the best thing you can do is indulge your mind with a variable that will allow it to do its thing. Go ahead and plug in the worst-case scenario. If the worst possible thing happened, what would you do? Allow yourself to sit with that question for awhile. Let the fear move through you and keep asking the question, what would I do that would allow everything to be OK? If you sit long enough with your question, you will arrive at some workable alternatives and reconnect with that part of yourself that is strong, resourceful and resilient.

(4) Now, come back to the present.

Armed with the knowledge that you will be OK even if the worst possible thing happens, you can come back into the present and recognize your fearful thoughts for what they are – fearful thoughts. One of the best pieces of advice I ever got, which I pass along frequently, is don’t believe everything you think.

In the present moment, devoid of your stories about variables that are truly unknown, you are OK. And when new events begin to unfold, if you stay in the moment and access your inner wisdom, you will know exactly what you need to do – or not to do – to be OK then too. And as you go about your daily life in this way, your calm resolve will permeate your interactions with others and through your example, you will help others to rise to their challenges in ways that unearth the greatness in themselves as well.

Interested in additional strategies for navigating change, challenge, and uncertainty with effectiveness and grace? Stay tuned for more information on my upcoming online course and group intensive, The Real Leader’s Guide to Freedom and Flow or click here to get on the waiting list and get first priority (with no obligation) at the limited spots that will soon be available.

 

The above article contains excerpts from my book, The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be, available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com.

 

 

Not Seeing Results? Don’t Give Up.

Do you ever feel like despite your best, most diligent, inspired effort, discipline and patience, you don’t seem to be getting anywhere?  Maybe you have a vision that excites you – an idea of how something could be done differently, a creation you’d like to breathe life into, a way of improving your quality of life – or that of others.  You plan, you prepare, you do the work.  Repeatedly.  But despite all that effort and persistence, you have little if anything to show for it.

You might question yourself.  Are you doing it right? Are you missing something?

You might get angry and try harder to control the outcome – double down your efforts, research extensively to figure out how to foolproof your plan, do whatever you can to MAKE it happen.

You may take your anger out on others.  Why aren’t they cooperating?  And how is it that everyone else seems to have it easier than you do?

You may question your vision.  Is this really worth investing your time and energy in?

You might feel like quitting and moving onto something easier, more mainstream, with less risk or exposure.  You gave it a good run.  Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

But the idea of throwing in the towel feels even worse than continuing what seems to be a losing battle.   

And try as you might, you just can’t shake the hold of that vision.  It beckons.  It haunts.  It enchants – revisiting you in your quiet hours, whispering about what is possible.

What do you do?

Have you ever heard the story of the Chinese Bamboo tree?  It’s quite unusual.  A farmer who plants these seeds will water, fertilize and tend to them  daily.  After a year of care and nurturing, the ground looks the same way it did when the seeds were planted.  Another year will pass as the farmer continues his efforts,  with no seeming growth at all.  A third year of care and feeding will go by.  NOTHING.  And then another year of watering, fertilizing and patiently waiting.  Still nothing.  In the fifth year, small sprouts will appear.  And in the six weeks that follow, the little shoot will grow up to ninety feet tall.

What we don’t realize about these seeds  – and our precious visions – is that while patience, faith and perseverance may not produce tangible signs of progress for quite some time, they work wonders beneath the surface, laying the groundwork for what will follow. 

To sustain the towering height these trees grow to, the root system must be deep and vast.  We too must have a strong inner foundation to ensure we have what we need before we can share it with others.  So many of our efforts are a quest to prove to ourselves that we are worthy.  We often mistakenly think that accolades, prestige, wealth and all that comes with success will allow us to feel  strong and fulfilled.   But that approach is backwards.

The “trappings” of success fade over time and are as  easily toppled as a tree with no root system.  If instead we start with a strong, grounded feeling of worthiness and appreciation for ourselves, we can extend our gifts to others  knowing that we have all we need and that sharing it with others will only make us stronger – in the same way that bamboo continues to grow after it is harvested.  This strength is cultivated over time, and often happens during the times of our lives that feel most barren.  We endure disappointments, we try something and fail, we learn about who we are and why we are here.  This is all growth that happens beneath the surface.  And it makes us strong and resilient enough to stand tall, reach high, and do the work we have been inspired to do out of joy rather than necessity.

Visions worth working for often don’t come to fruition right away and timing is not something that can be controlled.  When we try desperately to speed things up, we will often experience frustration, and feelings of desperation that may lead to anger and/or withdrawal.  Just as we cannot peel rosebuds open or shorten the time it takes for a caterpillar to become a butterfly, we cannot rush the progress and transformation that happens with our visions and our very selves. Sometimes our efforts to speed things up actually delay progress, as when we get too attached to a certain course of action that interferes with the natural progression of things.  This is analogous to digging up and replanting seeds that have not yet sprouted.

The “overnight success” we often hear about is more often than not the result of years of dedication, commitment, perseverance and faith that like the growth of the Chinese bamboo tree took several years to come to fruition.  As you pursue your grandest dreams and visions, many will tell you that your efforts are in vain, that you do not have what it takes, that you should quit while you are ahead.  And you may begin to question yourself as well.  But as you weather these storms and continue to believe in and cultivate something that cannot yet be seen,  you will ultimately be rewarded with seeing that which you believe.  And it will enrich your life – and that of others in ways you may never have anticipated.

For more on bringing your grandest dreams and visions to fruition and laying the foundation necessary to sustain them, check out The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming a Real Leader now available in both ebook and paperback formats on Amazon.

The Desperate Anxiety photo courtesy of Naypong at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Bamboo Trees photo courtesy of S P Photography.

Five Tips for Finding Your Way Through Uncertainty

Have you ever found yourself lost in unfamiliar territory, all your best laid plans gone awry, without a clue what to do next?  Maybe it’s a project that leads you to feel like you’re in over your head, or a new job or other life change that you haven’t quite acclimated to.  It’s unnerving and humbling.  And yet, it seems to be a common occurrence for those who muster up the courage to venture out of their comfort zone.  I had an experience recently that gave me greater insight into how to better handle life’s inevitable curve balls that I hope will help you as much as it helped me.

Over the summer, our family had the good fortune to travel to Edinburgh, Scotland.  It was the first time any of us had ever been there, and we were enchanted by the rolling hills of the countryside, the quaint cobblestoned streets, and the charm of the various pubs, restaurants and shops that line the “Royal Mile,” which leads to the large stone walls of the stunning Edinburgh castle.

The cars there look a bit different than they do here in America.  In addition to the notable absence of sports utility vehicles, all of them have steering wheels on the right side.  And they all drive on the left side of the road, instead of the right.  My husband, whose 6 foot 5 frame barely fit in the Fiat we rented, was courageous enough to brave the narrow streets, some of which barely accommodate two cars traveling in different directions.  Additionally, he was patient enough to withstand the nervous mutterings of his anxious wife who sat in what would normally be the driver’s seat with her foot pressed into the floor and her hands gripping the dashboard.  To say I have a whole new respect for him would be an understatement.

He and my oldest son made arrangements to golf at St. Andrews while I and our other two kids slept in and had a leisurely breakfast.   And then there was a decision to be made.  In the few hours before my husband and son would be back, we could lounge around the hotel or strike out and do some sightseeing.  While the lazy (and wimpy) part of me wanted to lay in bed and read a book, the more adventurous and curious side was egged on by the pleas of my other two children who quickly bored of the prospect of sitting around in a quiet room.  And I figured if my husband can brave driving on the Edinburgh streets, the least I could do is venture out of the hotel.

So after getting some very brief and imprecise directions from the hotel concierge, we walked to the edge of the parking lot and waited there for a bus to take us into town.  Getting home, it was said, would be as easy as waiting at the stop across the street from the one we would get off at, for another bus which arrive every fifteen minutes.

We had a great time, wandering through shops, taking in the sights, eating handmade candies and nuts from the street vendors and shopping for trinkets, until we realized it was time to head back.  And that was when we discovered that finding the bus that would return us to our hotel was not nearly as easy as we thought it would be.   Contrary to what the hotel concierge said, the bus we needed was not across the street from where we were dropped off.

We learned there was more than one bus line, each with its own collection of stops, and each with a distinctly numbered route that led to a different part of town.  Unfortunately, though the local town folk were very kind and eager to help, we didn’t know enough to even ask the right questions and ended up parting ways with people who became almost as frustrated as we were with our lack of information.

And though our situation could have been easily remedied by simply hailing a cab, my stubborn determination to make it work the way I envisioned it should led us to spend the next hour and a half piecing together clues and running around chasing buses to find the blasted bus stop.

The good news is that we eventually did find it.  And after waiting for what felt like a really long time, we were delighted when the bus with the number we needed began to approach… and flabbergasted when it continued to drive on without even slowing down.

What?!  How could…?  We sat looking at each other in disbelief, our jaws dropping.  The local who was sitting beside us at the bus stop was amused.  “Did yeh want the bus to stop for yeh?” he asked, with a Scottish clip.

I stuffed down my irritation and mustered a smile.  Wasn’t it obvious?  “Uh, yeah.”

“Aye.  Yeh need to flag it down.”  Now there was a piece of information that would have been good to know before we left the hotel.

Fifteen minutes later we jumped up and down waving our arms to ensure that driver of the next bus saw us.  And once we boarded it, we mused over what a debacle our little trip became.

Here are the insights I gained from that little experience that I believe can easily be translated into many of the unnerving situations we often find ourselves in – and that I am actually in the process of applying in my own life as well.

1.  Preconceived ideas and plans can greatly hinder your progress if you become too attached to them.  Just as my insistence on finding the illusive bus stop instead of hailing a cab cost us over an hour of frustration and needless searching, so too can clinging to what you think needs to happen keep you from missing an alternate route that may be far more aligned with getting you what you really want.  We need to stay open and present to the best possible solutions given the changing situations we find ourselves in – and allow ourselves to utilize information that may not have been available in advance.
2. If in the midst of uncertainty, you see through the eyes of an adventurer instead of a victim, you can save yourself the agony of frustration and may even enjoy the navigating the challenge you are faced with.   As we rode the bus home, we mused over the humor of the situation, how silly we must have looked chasing buses down the busy city streets, and how much of our time exploring we didn’t allow ourselves to really enjoy because we were so irritated and afraid we would never make it back.  I’m not sure what the worst case scenario would have been, but I’m certain it didn’t merit the angst I experienced.  And when I stop to think about it, I find that is true of almost any challenge or obstacle I have faced.
3. Beware of your assumptions.  Of course we assumed the bus would stop for us, the way buses do here in America.  The thought never even occurred to us that we would have to actually do something to get the attention of the driver.  But we were in a foreign country, with different customs and norms.  And our assumptions were incorrect.  How often is that true of something new you’ve tried – expecting it work just like everything else you’ve done and then finding yourself in a playing field where all the rules are different and nothing is the way you thought it would be?  We need to approach our explorations and endeavors with a beginner’s mind and be willing to ask the “stupid” questions.  We also have to be patient (with ourselves and others) when we don’t even know enough to recognize what the “stupid” questions are.  It’s all a process.
4. Never be afraid to ask for what you need.  Having to flag that bus down hit me at a metaphorical level as well as a literal one.  It reminded me that it is often not enough to simply show up and wait for things to happen.  Sometimes we need to ask for what we need or want – the sale, the support, the promotion, the resources, whatever the case may be.  Having just published the ebook version of The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming a Real Leader and in the throes of promoting it, I am finally learning to reach out to my networks to ask them to help me spread the word – something I didn’t really do when the paperback version came out three years ago.  Why?  I don’t know.  Sometimes it takes awhile to learn even the most obvious lessons.
5. Give yourself a break and acknowledge your courage.  Yes, if I would have made the decision to stay in that hotel room laying around, I wouldn’t have had to endure the frustration and irritation I experienced that day – and would have saved my kids from that angst as well.  But we also would have missed out on all the great things we did and saw that day.  And we wouldn’t have learned the valuable life lessons that come from striking out and trying something new and not getting it perfect out of the gate.  Things rarely go just the way you want them to when you are in a whole new arena, but the more you allow yourself to venture into unchartered territory and embrace the mystery, the more resilient, resourceful, and confident you become.

I’ve written extensively about the art of navigating through uncertainty, learning to listen to and trust your intuition to guide your way, and getting out of your comfort zone to live the life of your dreams in The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming a Real Leader.  You can get your copy today – in paperback or as an ebook at Amazon.com.  And please spread the word to anyone else who would benefit!

 

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What Happened to Me When the Bottom Fell Out

A little over a year ago, the bottom dropped out of my business.  Many of my biggest contracts came to an end, and it seemed nothing I tried was getting anywhere.  The programs I designed weren’t filling, or would run into major snags just as they were about to get off the ground.  I had no desire to go out and drum up more business – couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do at all.  It seemed none of the things that used to fill me up were working anymore. None of my old strategies had any teeth or traction.  I was lost and discouraged.

The book I had published earlier in the year wasn’t selling the way I wanted it to, which made sense given that I had done very little if any promotion.  It just didn’t feel right.  Nothing really felt right.   I spent months worrying about what was happening to me, trying to find a foothold, and making myself crazy with a huge list of “shoulds” that I couldn’t get myself to do.  I beat myself up pretty bad.  And then I decided the heck with it.  I would accept whatever it was that was happening and just go with it.

One thing I began to enjoy was working with video.  After helping my long time coach and friend Vickie Champion with a video for one of her blogs, she turned the camera on me and pushed the record button before I even knew what I was going to say.  And it was fun – even though it wasn’t quite comfortable with (or very good at) it yet.  We filmed a lot of little video vignettes for my blog and then one day decided to work on something a little more substantive.  We had no idea what was about to unfold.

It started out as a video complement to my book, The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be.  But it evolved into something neither one of us saw coming.  I was tapping creative reserves I didn’t even know I had.  And I was venturing out of my comfort zone – way out.  I threw mainstream to the wind and got a little goofy.

Pinocchio became Pistachio, and I went into character as Jiminea Cricketesia, Voice of Intuition. I dawned a black felt hat, clown vest and a crazy white shirt with ridiculously flared sleeves.  The story we were telling was my own.  And it is the story of so many people I have worked with and continue to work with over the years who have hit a wall trying to play a game that cannot be won – chasing after versions of so called “success” that left them feeling empty and wanting more out of life.  It is a story of the journey that ends the futile search and shines the way to true happiness and lasting fulfillment.

Today, I am thrilled to have the chance to share this series, On the Road to Real: The Adventures of Pistachio with you.  For years I have wanted to provide something that would allow people to get in touch with their own intuition and find their answers in an affordable, impactful way that doesn’t require a huge time commitment.  And that is exactly what this series is – in fact, we are so passionate about helping as many people as possible that we’ve decided to allow people to set their own price for it.

So, if anything I wrote about resonated with you – if you feel like you are running in circles, disenchanted with your work or personal life, or on the verge of a profound transformation that has left you wondering what’s next, I invite you to check this video series out at OnTheRoadtoReal.com/Adventures-of-Pistachio/.  Let me know what you think.  And if you know of anyone who might benefit, spread the word.

“Do not go where the path may lead;

go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thin rope image courtesy of Idea go at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

How To Leverage Life’s Little Roadblocks

There is major construction underway at the end of my street on into the main road that leads in and out of our neighborhood.  It is blocking our normal traffic route to everything and has tripled the drive time to places I frequent every day, like my office, my kids’ school and the grocery store.  If I forget about the blockages on my way home, I have to double back to the alternate route and it takes even longer.   It’s throwing a huge monkey wrench in my daily routine and provoking an unbelievable amount of frustration and irritation.

I’m not the only one that has been twisted into a knot about it.  We live one house down from the construction, where orange and white barricades frame a giant “Road Closed” sign.  Every day I see angry people speeding to the end of our street, only to use our driveway to turn around.  I can almost hear the expletives flying out of their mouths.  Though I’m not a lip reader, I’m pretty sure they are some of the same words I’ve used upon encountering those barricades.

To make things worse, because of this construction our water has been turned off for hours at a time, and though there is warning from the city on when it is going to happen, I invariably forget until after I’ve rubbed a few squirts of liquid soap all over my hands and then realize I have nothing to rinse with.  My groans are drowned out by giant clangs, bangs and booms and the beeping of trucks that may as well be backing through our living room window.

But even at the height of my aggravation a part of me has become amused by the degree to which I’ve allowed myself to become frustrated, grouchy and resentful over something that just is what it is.  This calmer, wiser part of me knows that getting so incredibly irritated isn’t helping anything, least of all me.  And I’m certain that in that state, I’m not improving the quality of anyone else’s day either.

I even found myself calling the 24 hour information line one day when the signs and barricades were still up even though the road appeared to be temporarily unobstructed.  When the guy on the other end of the line answered, I knew by his tone that he had been inundated with calls just like mine.  Nonetheless, he was kind and understanding and did everything he could to keep me calm and provide as much information as possible on the project.  I realized this man was simply doing his job.  And that there was no good reason to take my frustration out on him.

How often do you experience roadblocks in your life?

It often seems just when we have things figured out and going the way we want them to, life throws us a curve that yanks us out of autopilot and requires us to find a new way of operating.  It’s so unsettling.  The old moves don’t work anymore.  Yet we haven’t quite become accustomed to the new way of doing things (or even found the way for that matter.)

We want things to happen the way WE want them to.  We like to be the ones to call the shots, and to have some level of predictability and routine.  I’ve often noticed that even people who claim to love change, don’t love it so much when they are not the ones initiating it.

But if moaning and groaning about it isn’t the answer, what is?  How can you navigate life’s little barricades and construction zones with more grace and less stress?  How do you redirect the energy that would have gone into complaining into something more constructive?

The answer came to me the other day in my karate class.  We were practicing sparring, which those of you who frequent my blog know I’ve had my challenges with (and learned quite a few lessons from).  Up to this point, sparring hasn’t been something I would choose to practice if given the option.  But it is an important part of the martial arts, because it allows students to begin to see how the basic techniques they’ve learned are actually applied.  It provides an opportunity to transcend mechanics and practice artfulness.  And it also sheds some light on how we can do the same in our everyday lives.

When you are in the middle of a sparring match, you can’t just stand there while fists and feet are flying at you.  And you can’t tell the person you’re sparring with to wait until you are ready or which arm or leg to throw their punch or kick with or where to aim it.  You can’t plan in advance how you will defend yourself because you just can’t anticipate what is about to happen in a way that would lend itself to planning.

You have to be in the moment.

You have to make the most of every opportunity.

And you have to get out of your head in order to know what to do next.

Once you do that, you begin to see openings and opportunities instead of obstacles and threats.  You find that you actually know more than you think you do, and a new awareness begins to emerge – one that allows you to think creatively and act with greater intent and impact.  You move more fluidly and learn to trust and rely on yourself.

I haven’t actually gotten to the point where I can consistently do all that just yet, but I know I will if I just keep practicing.  Which brings me back to the inconvenience of my little construction zone…  While I’m still not thrilled about the idea of being forced to travel new roads instead of relying on the ones that have always gotten me where I need to go, I have begun to appreciate that little inconveniences such as these also bring gifts.

They give us the very practice we need get out of our heads and learn to look at things in new ways, make new connections, and creatively find and act on opportunities in the midst of our challenges.  They also help us develop patience and exercise it in a way that allows us to remain calm and centered in the midst of chaos – and the next curve ball life will inevitably throw at us.

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

Every day when I pull into my garage, my headlights illuminate a box of solar garden lanterns my father bought for me for Christmas a few years ago.  Every time I see them I am reminded that I need to set them up.  But something stops me.  I don’t know what it is, really.  Maybe I feel like I don’t have the time to do it.  Part of me is unsure exactly where to put them.  But I have to admit that I also worry it will be too complicated.  That I won’t be able to figure it out quickly.  That I’ll get bogged down with it.  And so these beautiful lights are still sitting in the box in our garage.

A couple of shelves over from the solar lights are bags of palm tree supplements and fertilizers.  I bought them a few months ago with the good intention of trying to give our trees an extra leg up in the scorching summer heat.  Every weekend, I see on my list of weekend projects, “fertilize palm trees”.  But the bags are still sitting on the shelf.  They are heavy and stinky.  And it’s hot outside.  Admittedly it is not at the top of my list of priorities.  But really, why have I let them sit for so long?  When I’m totally honest with myself, I realize it’s because I’m anxious about whether or not I’ll figure out the right ratios and the right way to spread the stuff around the dirt – whether I’ll have to dig or sprinkle, and then I just figure there’s something more pressing that needs to get done.

Silly, stupid stuff, right?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  The other day it hit me that these things I let sit in the garage may be indicative of a larger, more significant pattern in my life.  One that is keeping me stuck and jamming up my creative energy. You see, I haven’t written in a very long time.  I love to write.  It frees me.  It feeds me.  And yet I haven’t allowed myself to do it.  Why?

I got hung up in my head.  Silly decisions that I kept putting off.  Little complications that I allowed to fester and grow.  What to write about?  Should I do an article or a video?  Where should I post it, now that I have a couple of different websites and a column that I contribute to?  When should I write?  What if I can’t get it all done in the time I have?  What if I start and then I can’t finish?  I go around and around in my head until I become incredibly irritated with myself.

And then I go find something else to do.  Something safe.  Something clean and easy to check the box on.  And I have a few seconds of a very fleeting and artificial sense of accomplishment that slowly fades into a nagging, unsettling feeling.  Over the last few weeks, I’ve developed an irritating muscle cramp that has become so painful I am having trouble moving in certain ways.  Whether it is related or not, it is the perfect physical equivalent to what is going on in my mind.

And this morning it hit me.  The dynamic that keeps me from tackling the boxes and bags in the garage is the same dynamic that has blocked my writing.  I’m in fear.  And I’m doubting myself.  I’m worrying about all the things that could go wrong.  That could make things hard.  And I’m creating all kinds of distractions and complications to keep myself from doing what I really need to do most.  And it is becoming painful.

The last box that I let sit for months was a printer we got over the summer for my kids to use for their school projects.  I could tell you it sat in the box because they didn’t really need it until school started.  But the truth is, it stayed in the box because I didn’t want to deal with it.  In my mind it was a complicated endeavor that would have me confused and take hours of time.  After school started again, I realized I had to muscle up and get the darn thing plugged in.

I know some of you are probably laughing right now.  Really?  How hard can it be to set up a printer?  When I finally tore open the box and started following the directions I was laughing at myself too.  It really wasn’t that hard.  Until we flipped the switch and got an error message that the carriage was jammed before we ever even put paper in it.  I spent the next forty minutes talking to technical support and then finally boxing up the printer to send back to the manufacturer (I had waited too long to be able to just bring it back to the store.)

My fear was validated in the same way that it was validated the last time I tried to assemble a piece of furniture only to find that when I thought I was almost done I had to completely disassemble everything and put it back together again following instructions written in really bad English and accompanied by pictures that didn’t look anything like the parts I had.

This morning I realized it’s not that my fear isn’t justified.

It’s just that I can’t let it stop me.

I almost let this fear keep me from coaching my daughter’s volleyball team.  This is something I’ve wanted to do for a really long time.  But I hesitated because my daughter has never actually played volleyball and I have never coached any sport at all.  What if I couldn’t remember how the game goes, what the positions are, how the players rotate?  What if I let the girls (or their parents) down?  What if it becomes apparent that I haven’t the slightest idea what I’m doing?

I didn’t see it as a lucky thing at the time, but it turned out that the only way my daughter and her friends could be on the same team was if I became their coach.  So I did.  Reluctantly at first – and somewhat begrudgingly.  Then I realized that despite my reservations, it’s really a lot of fun.  And I don’t have to have all the answers.  Others are happy to help me fill in the gaps, tell me what I don’t know, give me ideas, and offer support.  And the look on the girls’ faces when they do something they couldn’t do before is priceless.  Thank God I didn’t let my silly doubts and fears keep me from this amazing experience.

Funny how little things like solar lanterns and palm tree fertilizer can provoke such powerful insights.  The irony that I am a coach who helps others get out of their fear and into their zones isn’t lost on me.   But I get it.  I understand why it’s so hard.  And I also know why it is so very important.  That’s why I wanted to share with you my own inner struggles – because we all have them.  The only thing that really matters is what we do about it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some palm trees to fertilize.

Photo credit:  David Castillo Domenici, Free Digital Photos

The Real Meaning of Victory

Well, I made it through my karate belt test on Saturday.  I actually really enjoyed my belt test.  Yes, it’s true.

In last week’s blog post, Overcoming the Illusion of Fear, I wrote about the anxiety I experienced after my last karate belt test that led me to fear and dread the next one.  And I also wrote about what helped me get into a mindset that would allow me to finally feel ready to stand in the fear and do the thing I was afraid of.  If you would have asked me a year or two ago what victory would have been, I would have told you it was making it through the test without getting hit in the face.    And I didn’t get hit in the face, but that’s not what I feel most victorious about.

You would have thought from reading last week’s article that the whole test was sparring and grappling.  In fact, I’m told it only lasted a total of four minutes (though it feels like an eternity when you’re in it).  The actual belt test in its entirety was five and a half hours long.  Yes, that’s right – 95% of my anxiety and fear was about a four minute portion of a five and a half hour test, a fact that was pointed out to me and other karate students in class two days before the test.  It was a startling realization.  As I reflected on it, I became aware that it’s not the first time I’ve gotten so worked up over something that I poured more of my energy into worry and anxiety than anything else.

“I’ll feel so much better when that presentation is behind me.” 

“I just want to get that project done so I can relax.” 

 “I won’t be able to enjoy myself until I have that dreaded conversation.” 

Do you ever say things like that to yourself?  Check the box, and then feel grateful for having checked another box.  The trouble with that mentality is that it leads us to withdraw ourselves from the very things that we need to be most present for.  We get so attached to the outcomes that we cheat ourselves of the experiences and the real gifts they offer.    Sure they’re uncomfortable.  Of course we look forward to having them over with.  But the real victory is not in winning the trophy, it’s in having played our best game.  And to do that, we must be fully present – while the game is being played. 

We can prepare all we want.  We can rehearse.  We can plan and practice.  And all of that is good.  But really, the outcome of any of these things that spin us into a frenzy is directly linked to what we do during the experience itself.  We have to detach ourselves from our plans and carefully rehearsed versions of whatever is about to unfold.  Because the reality is that we can never fully anticipate what is about to happen.  We need to be in the moment, tuning into the people we are with, the things that are being said and done and what we are being moved to do in response that may not have anything to do with what we rehearsed.  We need to trust in that part of ourselves that will direct us in just the way we need to go in the moment. 

The key benefit of practice and preparation is that we get our minds around the fact that we have everything we need to rise up to any challenge we will be confronted with.  In short, we must believe in ourselves and our ability to respond to whatever is taking place even if we’ve never experienced it before.

Merriam Webster defines “victory” as 1: the overcoming of an enemy or antagonist, and 2: the achievement of mastery or success in a struggle or endeavor against odds or difficulties.  The true enemy/antagonist in my battle was the part of me that didn’t believe I could handle the karate test, or any test for that matter – the one that just wanted to get it behind me so that I could go onto easier, more enjoyable things.  This is the enemy that created the greatest odds and the most horrendous difficulties.

The biggest thing standing in the way of our ability to achieve whatever we endeavor to do is the part of us that keeps us believing we cannot pull it off.  True mastery and success will occur for each one of us as we endeavor to rise up in the midst of this opposition and do what is ours to do.   And as we do, we will create something we can be truly grateful for – the experience of discovering and unearthing that part of ourselves that can remain calm in the face of any opposition and access the best possible solution in the moment – any moment.  This victory is the only kind that is lasting.  And each victory of this kind builds on the one that came before.

A toast, to victory!  And to every experience, for better or worse, that gives us the opportunity to truly experience it.

 

I would like to personally thank the Center for Humane Living and every person who is a part of it for enriching my life, and that of others in so many profound ways.

 

For more on achieving Victory:

 

The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be

Getting What You Really Want

Falling Down

Beyond Boundaries

Taking Your Leap, Part II

 

Checklist image by Rawich.

Jumping silhouette by Biansho.