How to Change a Habit That is Hurting You, Part 5

My last four posts, How to Change a Habit That is Hurting You, Part I, Part II,  Part III and Part IV were about the first four steps for changing a habit that is hurting you:

(1)    Make a decision, a declaration and a commitment to yourself.

(2)    Surround yourself with reminders of what you are moving toward.

(3)    Notice how often you engage in the behavior you want to change and what the impact is when you do.

(4)    Examine and challenge your assumptions.

Now that you have identified the thinking that has been driving the habit you want to rise above, you can change your thoughts and consciously approach things in a whole new way.  And this leads us to step five…

(5) Envision and practice a new way of doing things.

The focus of steps one through four is on dismantling an old, ingrained behavior.  Step five is about substituting a new behavior for the old one – one that will truly serve you.  And it is a good idea to have something to substitute your old habit with, so that instead of just focusing on moving away from something, you can put your energy and attention on what you are moving toward and the positive impact that will make in your life.

Chances are you already know what you’d like to do as an alternative.  If not, you can ask yourself the question, “What would be a better way of handling situations like the ones that have been causing me trouble?”  When you ask a question, your subconscious mind gets busy finding the answer for you. You may learn by watching or seeking mentoring from people around you who are masterful in the areas you strive to improve in.    You may find yourself drawn to articles, books, workshops or other resources that will help you.   You might journal about it and find yourself writing about the answer.

Once you have an idea of what you’d like to do differently, it is important to practice as often as you can, both physically and mentally. When you are engaging in step three, reviewing the events of a situation where you may have fallen back into an old pattern, you can ask yourself what you could have done differently and then play the movie in your mind that has you acting in the new way and experiencing how good it would feel.  Research has shown that mentally rehearsing in this way allows the brain to create the same neural pathways that are formed through physical rehearsal.

It is important to be patient and kind with yourself as you learn a new behavior. It will probably be somewhat uncomfortable or at the very least unnatural at first.  You will likely not be very good at it right away.  And you may find it tempting to say “the heck with it” and revert back to your old behavior as a result.  But stick with it.  With consistent practice it will get easier and it will come more naturally, until finally the new behavior is so engrained that you won’t have to think about it all that much.

 

In review, here are the five steps for changing a habit that is hurting you:

(1)    Make a decision, a declaration and a commitment to yourself.

(2)    Surround yourself with reminders of what you are moving toward.

(3)    Notice how often you engage in the behavior you want to change and what the impact is when you do.

(4)    Examine and challenge your assumptions.

(5)    Envision and practice a new way of doing things.

These steps don’t have to happen in a linear sequence. Sometimes you will be at step three for awhile, noticing how often you are falling into old patterns (and experiencing the pain of them) before you are ready to move to step one, making a commitment to change.  Sometimes they happen simultaneously ­ ­- like when you reflect on your behavior (step three) and then envision what you could do differently next time (step five).  Often when you begin the practice in step five, you begin to become aware of limiting assumptions you can challenge with step four.

You can accelerate your progress with each of these steps by working with a coach. A good coach can not only help you get really clear on your desired results but also assist you in identifying thoughts, behaviors and habits getting in your way that you may not even be aware of.  Working with a coach can help you to stay accountable to yourself while being supported through change that can be uncomfortable.  And a good coach can help you to identify alternate ways of doing things that are aligned with your natural strengths.   Coaching also allows you the opportunity to try out new behaviors in a safe environment, while getting honest, constructive feedback that your colleagues, friends and family may be hesitant to share.

If you are interested in learning more about coaching, visit https://dianebolden.com/coaching.html or contact me to schedule a complimentary coaching call.  And if you are more of a “do it yourselfer”, check out my new video program, On the Road to Real or my book, The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be, available at Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com.

 

Image courtesy of pakorn at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How to Change a Habit That is Hurting You, Part 4

My last three posts How to Change a Habit That is Hurting You, Part I, Part II and Part III,  were about the first three steps for changing a habit that is hurting you:

(1)    Make a decision, a declaration and a commitment to yourself.

(2)    Surround yourself with reminders of what you are moving toward.

(3)    Notice how often you engage in the behavior you want to change and what the impact is when you do.

The next step will help you identify the root of the habit you want to change so that you can work with the real source of the issue instead of simply addressing symptoms that will eventually return.

STEP FOUR:  Examine and challenge your assumptions.

Sometimes even though you recognize a behavior that isn’t serving you and you also realize how very much it is hurting you, you still feel compelled to engage in it.  Usually this is because your behavior is linked to a limiting assumption or belief.  Just as we can engage in behaviors that do not serve us, we can also engage in ways of thinking that are equally hurtful.  Action follows thought and assumptions are thoughts that are like the strings on puppets, controlling their every move.  When these assumptions are unexamined, they propel us to engage in actions without thinking.

When you examine the assumptions that are linked to a behavior you are trying to change, you may find that though the assumptions are very compelling, they are not very logical and in some cases may be downright erroneous. An assumption underneath an explosion of anger might be something like, “If I don’t get the upper hand here, I’m going to get run over.”  An assumption that keeps people from taking bold action could be something like “I don’t have what it takes to do what I really want to do,” or “If I try and fail I’ll be worse off than I am now.”

What most of us don’t realize is that assumptions like these tend to get us into more trouble than they prevent.  They also have us acting in ways that reinforce the assumption.  In the first case, acting out of a desire to keep from being run over often leads people to run over others and be blinded to constructive alternatives that don’t have them going to extremes.   As a result, others respond in ways that are equally aggressive, thus confirming the belief that they have to look out for themselves above all else.

In the second case, if you assume that you aren’t capable of doing what you really want to do, you’ll act with hesitation (if at all), and your wavering will keep you from doing the work you are truly capable of or cause you to make things much harder than they need to be.  You may look to your lack of results as confirmation that your assumption was correct, but the real problem is the impact the assumption itself had on your ability to act with confidence.

Identifying these assumptions can be tricky because they often are so engrained that we don’t even realize they are operating. But if you stop to reflect on what it is you are believing about the situation, yourself or others you can begin to become aware of them.  Here are some questions that can help shed light on the thinking that could be sabotaging your best efforts:

– What am I believing right now about the situation, myself, or others?

– Is it really true?  Can I be absolutely, positively sure that it is true?

– When I believe that thought, how do I tend to act?  How do I feel?  Is it working for me?

– Who would I be and what could I do without that thought?

– What can I believe that is more true than what I used to believe and will also help me do what I really want to do?

Click here for step five of How to Change a Habit That is Hurting You.

 

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How to Change a Habit That is Hurting You, Part 3

My last two posts, How to Change a Habit That is Hurting You, Part I and Part II were about the first two steps for changing a habit that is hurting you:

(1)    Make a decision, a declaration and a commitment to yourself.

(2)    Surround yourself with reminders of what you are moving toward.

Maybe you are making some progress.  Or perhaps you have fallen back into the old behavior.  If so, don’t worry about it – it is virtually inevitable and actually a vital part of the process of moving beyond an old habit.  Step three allows you to use what you would otherwise see as a step backwards to further enhance your forward progress.

STEP THREE: Notice how often you engage in the behavior you want to change and what the impact is when you do.

This is a rather painful thing to do, because it tends to lead people to beat themselves up.  You already know what the habit is you want to change.  You already know how it is hurting you.  And yet chances are that you are still doing it more often than you’d like – almost as though you cannot help yourself.    You might just feel trapped and powerless.  You aren’t.

You are simply observing the effect of being on autopilot.  As I said in Are Your Habits Hurting You?, your habits become defaults that allow to you do things without a whole lot of thought or effort.  And this is a good thing when it is a behavior that is serving you, like driving your car to work in the morning without having to pay all that much attention to all the steps involved in executing the task.  But when those engrained habits lead you to knee jerk reactions that have you regretting your actions later, you have to slow things down so that you are more conscious of what it is you are doing and where it is getting you.

The good news is that initially, you don’t have to be totally aware of those knee jerk reactions in the moment.  You can replay the events in your mind later and recognize the moments that you were in the grip of an automatic response. You can notice what your triggers were and begin to become more aware of what sets those behaviors off.  And you can begin to envision strategies for interrupting those patterns, like taking a breath, stepping away for a moment, and getting realigned with your true intention and desire.

It is also important to become aware of the impact of those behaviors. So in addition to reviewing the sequence of events in your head that led you to engage in a problematic habit, pay attention to how you felt afterward.  Recognize how it might have impacted the rest of your day, or week.  Become aware of how your action may have affected the people you care about, and also how it made you feel about yourself.  Move into the pain associated with the behavior you seek to rise above.  Because the more pain you associate with it, the stronger your commitment will be to rise above it.

The more often you take a moment to mentally review your actions – maybe at the end of the day when you are driving home from work, the faster you will begin to catch yourself engaging in old behaviors that aren’t serving you.  You will find that over time, you’ll go from realizing it hours or days later to recognizing it moments after it happened, to catching yourself in the act, and eventually to keeping yourself from doing it at all.

Click here for step four of How to Change a Habit That is Hurting You.

 

Image courtesy of farconville at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How to Change a Habit That Is Hurting You, Part 2

My last post, How to Change a Habit That Is Hurting You, Part 1 was about the first step for changing a habit that is hurting you:  make a decision, a declaration and a commitment to yourself. Today, we’ll tackle step two.

STEP TWO:  Surround yourself with reminders of what you are moving toward.

Though you may not have already experienced the pleasure you will gain by moving beyond your old habit and engaging in something new, your mind can help you to imagine it and make it real for you.  It does this in much the same way that it can also magnify your fears and come up with all kinds of scenarios that have you shaking in your boots.  Take control of your mind in advance. Envision the change you are making and what you imagine it will bring you.

If you are trying to get control of your temper, imagine what it will feel like to be able to calmly engage in discussion with someone without losing your head.  Envision yourself shaking hands with people and leaving meetings feeling as though you have strengthened relationships rather than damaged them.  See if you can find a symbol or image that helps you to move into that feeling whenever you look at it. And put that visual reminder somewhere where you will see it often.

Maybe you are wanting to break the habit of staying in your comfort zone rather than taking the bold actions you dream about – like writing a book, creating a new program or product, or looking for a new job.  Envision what acting on your dream will give you and see if you can experience it in your mind as though it has already happened. Find pictures that evoke those feelings for you and get you excited and motivated to take steps to make it happen.  Look at them every day, several times a day and feel those feelings when you do.

When you feel as though you are getting sucked back into old behaviors you are trying to leave behind, or when you are discouraged about your progress use your reminders to bring you back to your intention and recommit to yourself.

Click here for step three of How to Change a Habit That is Hurting You.

 

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How to Change a Habit That is Hurting You, Part 1

How to Change a Habit That is Hurting You

In my last post, Are Your Habits Hurting You?, I wrote about the things we tend to do that have been on autopilot, but reached a point where they no longer serve us.  If you have identified a hurtful habit that you are ready to move beyond, read on.   Over the next few weeks, I’ll give you five steps for changing a habit that is hurting you.  Here is step one…

STEP ONE:  Make a decision, a declaration and a commitment to yourself.

There is power in willingness.  I’m talking about more than good intentions here, though that is where it all starts.  People are at the threshold of change when the pain of one behavior becomes greater than its payoff.  But in order for that momentum to take hold, the perceived payoff of making a change needs to be greater than the seeming pain of giving something up as well.

The trouble is, you may not really know what that payoff will be, and though you also may not know just what will be involved with making a change, your mind will be off and running creating scenarios that have you believing it will be far harder than anything you can possibly imagine.   And that can become a real show stopper if you aren’t ready for it.  It’ll keep you from getting out of bed in the morning.  It’ll lead you to head for the hills when you are on the verge of bold, courageous action.  It’ll make the old beaten path you’ve been traveling seem so much more preferable than heading into the uncertainty of whether you will be able to do whatever it is you are learning to do in place of your old behavior.

So you have to make a commitment to yourself.  You have to get really clear in your mind that you will no longer tolerate your old way of doing things and decide that you will do whatever it takes to move beyond it. It helps if you write it down.  And it also helps if you tell someone else about it – someone who can remind you of all the reasons you are doing it, of what you have to gain, and of what you are rising above and why.

Think about a habit you would like to move beyond.  How has it been hurting your effectiveness?  Your credibility?  Your peace of mind?   What would you gain by rising above it?  What could you do if you no longer fell into that pattern of behavior?  How would you feel?

Are you ready to make a change?  If so, make a commitment right now to yourself.  Write it down and then share it with someone who will support you as you endeavor to carry that commitment out.  If you would like to make a public declaration as well, feel free to share your commitment in the comments section below.

Click here for the next step of How to Change a Habit That is Hurting You.

 

 

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Are Your Habits Hurting You?

We all aim to develop good routines.  But most of us have a few habits that cause problems too.  Maybe it’s the way your temper flares when people don’t do what you want them to.  Perhaps it’s a tendency to turn the other way when things get stressful – to go bury your head in the sand or find something to do that keeps you from having to address issues.  Maybe it’s your inclination to take so many things on that you are running yourself ragged, or a habit of staying in your comfort zone instead of taking the bold leaps you dream about in your quiet hours.

Sometimes even good habits reach a point where they no longer serve you all that well, like the habit of diving into the details after you’ve just been made a leader of leaders who really needs to rely on others to do that for you.   But we tend to hang onto those routine ways of doing things long after they have outlived their value.  Not because they are particularly gratifying, but because they are comfortable and familiar.

Habits act as defaults. We do them without having to think much at all.  They are ingrained behaviors that we revert to when things get stressful, and they have a way of taking over and putting us on autopilot.

There may come a time, though, when habits that never really used to be a problem start making some waves in your life.  They may hurt your effectiveness on the job, or your ability to really connect with others.  They could keep you playing small instead of really stepping into and realizing your potential and living your dreams.  And sometimes they become painful.

I am a runner.  I don’t train and sign up for marathons or anything.  I just do it to clear my head and release tension – and because it makes me feel good.  When I first started running, I just wanted to be able to go for awhile without getting too tired.  I was happy when I managed to get off my butt and just get outside.  Then I started to run a little longer.  And then gradually a little faster.

But the more intensely I did things the way I had always done them, the more I began to notice that I was having pain.  My hips hurt.  My shins were stiff.  There were periods where the discomfort became so intense that I had to lay off running for awhile until my body healed.  And then I noticed it wasn’t long before I was having some kind of pain again.  It was a little maddening.

Interestingly enough, one of my new clients, Nicole Armbrust, is a physical therapist who works with runners to improve efficiency and prevent injury.  She encouraged me to have an assessment.  I was a little hesitant.  Really?  Do I really want someone to tell me about all the things that I should be doing differently?  Do I really want to change something that for the most part was making me feel so good?  The next time I went running and began to feel that familiar stiffness that I knew would morph into  throbbing later, I realized it was time for a change – even though I knew it would not necessarily be a comfortable one.

Nicole examined how my muscles and ligaments worked.  She listened intently as I told her about my history and all my injuries.    She videotaped me walking.  And then running.  And then she had me try some stretches and other exercises.  Alas, many of the things I was afraid of were true.  The strides I was taking were too long.  I was landing on the wrong part of my foot.  One of my hips was tighter than the other, causing me to overcompensate – which of course was adding to my injuries.

She gave me a metronome, which she believes will help correct a large percentage of my problems.  Apparently, much of what I really need to do to correct 95% of my problems is run to a faster beat, which would lead me to take smaller strides and push off and land on the right parts of my feet.

The first time I tried it, I hated it.  It was unnatural.  And I couldn’t just slip into my zone and forget about what my body was doing.  It was an effort to keep my feet hitting the ground that fast.  And my faithful running buddy, a golden retriever named Bellissima, was thrown off too.  “What the heck?”  I could swear that was going through her head when she looked up at me with those big brown eyes of hers.  I was right there with her.

But the more I practiced with that new way of doing things, the less pain I have had, and the faster I can run.  I can run longer and more often.  And I am enjoying myself again.

I think life is a little like that.  Often we don’t seek help until things begin to hurt us.  And though it’s kind of sad that we wait until things become painful to try something different – it is often just the springboard we need to find better ways of doing and being.

Maybe your last temper explosion led people to no longer want to support you, and you are ready to figure out ways of better channeling your anger.  Perhaps the things you were avoiding came to a head in a less than optimal way that made things even more unpleasant and you want to keep that from happening again.  Maybe you have totally burned yourself out and are starting to realize that there has to be a better way of doing things.  Or perhaps the window of opportunity you have been carefully planning and preparing for closed before you dared to act on it and you’re tired of missing out.

When your habits begin to hurt you, you get to decide what you are going to do about them. It’s a crossroads that can be challenging – because though you might be experiencing pain and discomfort with your habit, it likely will seem as though anything you might need to do differently will be even worse.  And that is the root of resistance.

But what I have found through my own experience, as well as that of so many others – friends, clients, colleagues – is that the pain caused by resistance is far worse than anything it would have you avoid.

Maybe you don’t need to wait until it comes to a head.  We all have habits that no longer serve us.  And you already likely know what habit (or habits) are bringing you down.  So the question is, what are you going to do about it?

In my next post, I’ll write about how to change the habits that hurt you.  If you want some support changing bad habits, you might want to consider working with a coach.  For more information on executive and leadership coaching, visit https://dianebolden.com/coaching.html or or contact me to schedule a complimentary coaching call. And if you are more of a “do it yourselfer”, check out my new video program, On the Road to Real or pick up a copy of my book The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be, available at Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com.

If you are interested in a running assessment, click here to find out more about Nicole Armbrust or contact her at n.armbrust@spoonerphysicaltherapy.com.

Image courtesy of Michelle Meiklejohn at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This Could Be the Biggest Obstacle to Doing Your Best Work

My last post, How to Not Be a Slave to Your To Do List, was written just as much for me as it was for you. So I’ve taken my own advice.  I cleared space on my calendar.  I eviscerated my to do list and calendared time to do the stuff I’ve been wanting to do for so long now.  I cleared space and scheduled time to work on my next book.  And I finally sat down to do it.

I opened a document and typed a few words.  And then I stared at the blinking cursor for awhile.  I took a deep breath, read what I had just written, then deleted it and typed something else in its place.  But I didn’t like that either.

I reviewed some notes I had scribbled down a few days prior to see if I could get any inspiration.  It didn’t help.  My gaze went from my screen to my keyboard, where my hands were perched, ready and agile.  Still nothing.

I saw an email notification in the corner of my screen.  Resisting the urge to check my inbox, I closed my Outlook program.

And I sat for several more minutes.  Stuck.  Maybe this isn’t the best time.  Maybe I should go do something else for awhile.  At that moment, anything sounded preferable.  I could trim my fingernails, reorganize my desk drawers, mow the lawn.  Or the neighbor’s lawn.

But no.  I am committed to this.  It is something I have been wanting to do for a really long time.  Why is it so flipping hard?

Have you ever felt that way?

It’s no wonder that we let so many other things get in the way of taking the time to do our real work.  Our real work requires us to face our deepest fears and make our way through our toughest resistance – in the presence of our worst critics.

As soon as you make the commitment to do something important – for yourself, for others, for the world – rest assured anything that has ever stopped you before will come back in your face with an exponential force.

I didn’t get a whole lot written in that particular block of time.  But I showed up.  I didn’t run away.  And I have to say that after awhile things did begin to flow.  I strung a few paragraphs together and once I let go and gave in to the experience, I was delighted with a couple of really great insights that came spilling onto the page.  It went in a direction I hadn’t anticipated and began to take on a life of its own.

Talking with a friend a few days later, I began to realize what it was that got me stuck.

I was fixated on results at the expense of the process. I had become too attached to the end product and what it was going to get me.  I had ideas in my mind of what it would – should – look like.  And I was judging every little thing I was (and wasn’t doing).  If you can envision a small child being led to a table and told to do something, while a rather large, imposing figure stood over her with a club at her head yelling in a booming voice – you have a pretty good idea of the dynamic I had created for myself.    My child was rebelling.  My critic was becoming more and more agitated.  And neither of us really wanted to be there at all.

Perhaps you’ve heard artists or musicians talk about how they could never quit their day job to earn a living doing their craft.  “It would just suck all the joy out of it,” they may tell you.  The problem isn’t so much that they would be paid for doing what they love as it is that they risk having their focus go from the joy of being in the process to becoming too dependent on the result.

The irony is that when you detach from the result altogether and become immersed in the experience, the results tend to take care of themselves.  Superior work is created when you are engaged in what you are doing rather than what it will lead to or where it will get you.

If you have ever played golf or tennis, think about what happens when you allow your attention to go prematurely to the target before you’ve hit the ball.  You will have a crappy shot.  (You may even miss the ball altogether.)  But when you devote yourself to the process – when you are present in your body through every part of your swing, when you follow through and trust that the ball will go right where you intend it to – you have the opposite experience.

The same is true with just about anything.  Companies that focus solely on profits often neglect their customers, their employees or both and spend more time worrying about how to increase their market share and their bottom line than on the quality of their product.  Conversely, those who make it a priority to listen to their customers and employees and create cultures where people do their best work are often rewarded with a loyal following.   Comedians who desperately need a laugh often aren’t all that funny or entertaining, while those who stop worrying about what people think and have a good time on stage end up captivating their audiences and leaving them wanting more.  Artists who sacrifice their passion to pander to the crowd risk producing shallow, uninspiring work, while those who pour their hearts into what they do engage the hearts of others.

When all your attention and energy goes toward the end result, you vacate the process – along with all the energy, passion and unique gifts that go into creating something really special and valuable. Your end product will feel somewhat empty or hollow.  And it is very likely that you will too.

The good news is that the wall created by a fixation on results at the expense of the process is self imposed.  Which means that you have the ability to dismantle it.   In my next post, I’ll share seven tips for breaking through that wall the next time you are stuck.

If you need help overcoming the obstacles that keep you from doing your best work, check out my new video program, On the Road to Real or pick up a copy of my book The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be,available at Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com. If you are interested in working one on one with me, visit https://dianebolden.com/coaching.html to learn more or contact me to schedule a complimentary coaching call.

Stay tuned – next week’s post is Seven Tips for Getting Out of Your Own Way and Doing Your Best Work.

Image courtesy of Sira Anamwong at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

What To Do When You Just Can’t Do Another Thing

“When I’m not running in circles, I’m pretty much collapsing in a heap.”

That flew out of my mouth one day when I was on a call with a few of my friends trying to find a time to get together.  They told me it should be the title of my next book.

And yet, I know the importance of taking regular time to rest.  Well, intellectually anyway.  I can see it in my clients – when they begin to tell me the same things over and over — when all they can seem to talk about is what  they have to do, or how exhausted they are.  And I certainly know it from my own experience.   It’s that old familiar feeling of rolling a huge ball up a hill only to have it come careening back down again.

There is never a shortage of things to do, people to get back to, and in my case, kids to shuttle from practice to sporting event to some other gathering.  I know I need a time out when my surroundings begin to reflect my state of mind – becoming cluttered, messy, and completely disordered.  When I am tired, I don’t make decisions very well (if at all).  I tend to leave them for later, when I will have a little more energy.  But then I use the piles that have accumulated around me as an excuse for why I cannot rest – at least not now – not with everything looking like this!  And the cycle continues.

My head tells me this makes perfect sense.  But my heart and the rest of my body is screaming for relief.

In yoga classes, there is something called “child’s pose”.   You start by getting on your knees and sitting back on your heels.  The knees can stay together or move wider apart.  And then you simply lean forward slowly onto the ground with your arms either by your side or stretched out in front of you.  Every time I get into that pose, I am reminded of how at least one of my children liked to fall asleep when they were babies.

Yoga instructors tell people that the most important thing in yoga is the breath.  it is important to breathe full and evenly in and out your nose.  When your breathing becomes uneven or choppy, when you start to lose your breath in yoga, you will be encouraged to return to this child’s pose until your breathing evens out again.

At the end of yoga classes, there is a pose – one of my favorites – called “shivasana”.  This one consists of laying flat on your back and relaxing every part of your body while you allow yourself to sink into the floor for about three to five minutes.  It’s the pose that allows your body to integrate all the work you did in the class that preceded it.  And many will tell you it is the most important pose in yoga.  And yet, I often see people leaving the class instead of allowing themselves to experience it.

But I get it.  We are a society that is driven to do more, to be more, to be busy, and to always step things up a notch.  The thing is, when we insist on speeding up when we really need to slow down, we lose touch with the wiser, calmer part of ourselves that has all our answers. We run around doing things that may not even need to get done, and creating more piles and messes for ourselves that we’ll have to clean up later.  We may run fast, but it is often in a direction that doesn’t serve us — or anyone else for that matter.  And it often leads us to crash into walls we would have avoided if we weren’t so tired.

Sometimes you’ll get a rush when you do that.  A rush of adrenaline, maybe.  Or a little sense of accomplishment or importance that comes with being really busy.  But my experience is that it is usually fleeting and often replaced by a feeling of exhaustion and overwhelm and a somewhat panic induced state that leads me to believe I have to run twice as fast just to keep up.

The thing is, I used to think that in order to replenish my batteries, I needed to take a long vacation – leave and go somewhere else, sip a pretty drink on a beach or sleep for days.  And while that is nice, it’s not always necessary.  What I’ve learned – and need to remind myself of periodically – is that it is often a matter of simply pausing every once in a while to check in with myself. It is doing something that interrupts the autopilot nature of the running in circles thing.  It’s like looking into a pond that has been churning so fast that the water is murky.  Instead of continuing to make all kinds of commotion, you sit for a few moments and let the water become still until the swirling debris sinks to the bottom and the water becomes clear.

Sometimes this takes the form of a power nap for me.  Even just fifteen minutes of resting my head will do wonders.  Other times it’s a little walk that allows me to breathe deeply and move around a bit.  Sometimes it’s grabbing a cup of coffee with a friend and getting a little distance from whatever is going on.  And sometimes it means saying NO to things I really don’t have time to do.  Often the clarity and the courage I need to do that comes from the brief pause I took that allowed me to realize whatever I was about to say yes to wouldn’t really have been for the best.

These little pauses shouldn’t be reserved for the times that we feel like we just can’t do another thing.  We need to give them to ourselves frequently. Research indicates that people need a fifteen minute break after ninety minutes of concentration – and some studies suggest that we would benefit from a five minute break after every twenty five minutes.  You might think you are losing (or wasting) precious time, but you’ll find that it is more like an investment that pays dividends when you come back from your short break and are able to do in twenty minutes what would have otherwise taken an hour.

So, if you are feeling overwhelmed or exhausted – as though you need to move faster but just can’t seem to find the energy – try slowing down for a little while.  Press the pause button.  Find your child’s pose and catch your breath – whatever that may be for you.  Let the dust settle until you can see clearly again.  Chances are that when it does, you will know just what you need to do – or NOT do.  And you will meet whatever challenge or opportunity awaits you with a fresh mind and a new energy and vitality – one that allows you to access the wisdom, creativity and resilience you need most.

“You have to put in the clutch to shift gears. You have to let go to re-engage at another, more high-leveraged ratio. And when you least feel like slowing down may be the most critical time to do it.”

 

– David Allen’s Productivity Principles

Tired business people image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How to Get (and Stay) in Your ZONE

A few weeks ago, I posted an article about feeling your fear and doing it anyway.  I wrote that after going months without writing a single word for my blog.  I thought I wanted to write.  I loved the idea of writing.  But the truth is what I really loved was the idea of having written. There is a difference.  I wanted the satisfaction of having a finished, polished product that made me feel as though I had accomplished something worthwhile.  But I couldn’t get my heart and head into writing at all.

I told myself it was because I didn’t have the time.  There were too many other things I needed to do.  Too much going on.  And while it was true that there my plate was quite full, it was also true that I could have made the time to write if I really tried.

In a moment of complete honesty, I realized that I was simply experiencing plain old yellow bellied fear.  I was talking to a friend one day about my worry that I couldn’t write a decent article. She blinked in confusion.  “But – you’ve written and published a whole book!  You know how to write.”  I laughed in recognition that she was right.  But it didn’t matter.  I was still paralyzed by doubt.  And to make matters worse, I was also judging myself for being a pansy.

Have you ever done something like that?

Have you ever let your fear and doubt keep you from doing what you really need and want to do?

The longer I went without writing, the more monumental the task seemed.  I just wasn’t sure I could still pull it off.  And to save myself the agony of flailing and failing, I just didn’t try at all.  I manufactured a bunch of other things that justified putting it on the backburner.  But it continued to eat at me, haunting the edges of my mind – and so despite my attempts to avoid it, I experienced agony anyway.

One day when I just couldn’t stand sitting at my desk for another minute, I went for a run.  I didn’t really want to, but I needed to get away and clear my head.  It had been awhile since I went running.  My body was heavy and stiff.

“Do I really want to do this?” I asked myself.

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.  But I’m gonna do it anyway.”

So I started moving my legs and ran down the street.  It was not fun.  I was not enjoying myself.  But I kept at it because I knew that feeling wouldn’t last long.  I just needed to warm up and find my zone, and then it would feel good.  Maybe even great.  And that’s exactly what happened.  I came back refreshed, renewed, and energized.

And then it hit me.  Perhaps the same approach that got me into my running zone could get me into my writing zone.  Maybe all I needed was to warm up – to give myself permission to not be in my zone, but to move anyway. Every athlete worth his salt knows the importance of warming up.  Broadcasters do tongue twisters before they get on the air.  Some of the best actors are in character long before they get in front of the camera.  Even cars and other machinery runs better when the engines are warm.

I remembered reading recommendations for writing warm-ups.  I had scoffed at them before, thinking they were a complete waste of time.  If I couldn’t find the time to write as way it was, why would I want to add another chunk of time onto writing something that I would end up throwing away?  It seemed silly.  But I tried it.

What I discovered is that a warm-up – whether for writing or anything else, doesn’t necessarily need to take a whole lot of time.  Five minutes is all that was recommended. Five minutes of sitting at my computer writing a stream of consciousness, letting my fingers dance across the keyboard without stopping, and without regard for spelling, punctuation or typos.  Five minutes of typing anything – even if it was “this is stupid, I don’t know why I am doing this.  I don’t even know what to write about.  I don’t think doing a warm-up is going to help anything.  I want ice cream.  Blah, blah, blah.”

The more that I typed, the more I began to express my fears and doubts.  I moved into my resistance and put it right out there on the paper in black and white.  I wrote about what was on my mind, what was weighing on me.  What I was afraid I would do.  And what I was afraid I wouldn’t do.  And I began to feel lighter, less encumbered, and more fluid as my doubts began to give way to something more interesting that was waiting to break through.

Five minutes.  The timer buzzed.  And then I proceeded to write an article.  I was amazed as what used to take hours came flying out in a matter of minutes.  I let it rip, deciding not to edit myself as I went along and giving myself permission to go back and polish things up later.  I put my judgment on hold and just did what I wanted and needed to do.  And it was wonderful.  I was enjoying the process again.  And when I did, the end result took care of itself.

Later I had lunch with another friend as I shared with him my latest discovery.  His kind brown eyes narrowed with intensity as he asked, “Why do we doubt ourselves?”

“Because we’re afraid we can’t do what we need to do.”  I answered.

“Do you doubt that you are sitting here in front of me?”  He replied.

“No,” I laughed.  “Of course not.”

“Why do you not doubt that?” he asked, unphased.

“Because I can see for myself that I am sitting in front of you.”  I shot back.

“Exactly!”  he said.  “You don’t doubt what you can see, hear  and feel with your own senses.”

And then I realized why a warm-up is so very powerful.  When we doubt ourselves, we begin to tell ourselves stories about how we can’t do anything all that well.  And then we believe those stories and become more firmly entrenched on our backsides.  We become stuck in inertia without indication that we can do anything but stay there.

But when we start moving in a direction – any direction – we begin to have even the smallest shred of evidence to contradict the doubt.  And once we start moving, we gain momentum that allows us to carry on. Even if we are moving in the wrong direction, that momentum gives us what we need to turn things around and go another way.

So I started doing writing warm ups in the morning before I begin doing anything, whether it is writing or anything else.   And I challenge you to do the same.  Think of it as a bit of stretching and some light calisthenics for the mind and the spirit.  Allow yourself a few minutes (even if it is just five) of not judging yourself – write whatever the hell you want.  You might be surprised at what comes out – and what letting it rip allows you to do that you may not have ever realized you had in you.

“As you start to walk out on the way, the way appears.”

– Rumi

 

Image courtesy of Danilo Rizzuti at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

A Better Way to Win

My daughter and I played a game called Rummikub the other night.  If you have never heard of it, you’re not alone.  The games I remember playing as a kid are Monopoly, Life, and maybe an occasional card game of Go Fish or Gin Rummy.

Rummikub is kind of like Rummy, except instead of cards it is played with small wooden tiles that have colored numbers on them.  Players start with a few tiles of their own and then take turns going back and forth drawing more tiles until they have a certain sequence of numbers or colors that allows them to place groups of them on the table.  The first player to get rid of all his tiles wins.

We started playing this game a few months ago, and it has quickly become one of our favorites.  It’s simple, can still be played with missing pieces, doesn’t take hours to finish, and the cleanup is really not that bad (one of my favorite features).

I’m fairly certain whoever created the game intended it to be a competition that would have players carefully guarding their tiles to make sure no one else knows what they have.  But my eight year old daughter has decided that there is a different way to play it that is just as fun.

I noticed that she was peeking at my tiles quite a bit.  I resisted my conditioned urge to bring them closer and block her view.  Instead, I became curious about what she was doing.  She took note of the numbers that I had, of what tiles I needed to complete my sets, and also how my tiles would potentially fit with the incomplete sequences she had begun to build with her own tiles.

I figured she was doing this to get a leg up in the game.  Like me, my daughter likes to win.  And she likes to be in control too.  So I figured that any minute she would command me to give her what she wanted or tell me what move I should make in a way that would somehow benefit her.

But she didn’t.  Instead, she said “Mom, you need a black six and I need a red four.  Want to trade?”

“Sure.”  I replied, becoming more intrigued.

She continued to scan the table and both of our sets of tiles to see what else we could do to get more sequences laid down.  And I began to do the same thing.  Before long, we had pushed our sets of tiles side by side so that we could both easily see them and were fully collaborating in our efforts.

When my husband came home, she proudly announced that we were playing a friendly game of Rummikub – the kind where everyone wins.  She emphasized the word “friendly” and spoke it melodically as she smiled and bounced around.

I began to think about the deeper meaning of playing a friendly game and the implications it could have in a broader context, like the way we live our lives and the games we play every day.  We are all conditioned to play to win, and let’s face it – winning feels good.  But how often do we stop to think about  what winning really means?

We often assume that whenever there is a winner there is also a loser.  But what if it didn’t always have to be that way?  What if instead of looking for ways to outwit, outsmart, outthink and outdo the competition, we could ask ourselves in what way can we somehow partner with our would be competitors to find a way to allow everyone to win?

What if instead of viewing each other as competitors, we saw comrades with common goals that we could help one other with?  What if we took the time to realize that things could work out in a way that allows everyone to get what they need and to let go of what is no longer relevant?  In what ways could we learn from each other?  How could we pool our knowledge to become smarter about the game and what it takes to win – and maybe even reinvent it altogether?

“We think too small.  Like the frog at the bottom of the well.  He thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well.  If he surfaced, he would have an entirely different view.”

-Mao Tse-Tung