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Suddenly Simplified: Living Without Complication
After our kids finished school for the summer, we decided to take a last minute road trip to California. It was late in the afternoon, and we needed to leave right away if we didn’t want to be driving into the wee hours of the morning.
I wasn’t packed and the house was a mess. Previously, when we’ve taken road trips, I have meticulously prepared, spending an hour or two deciding what I would bring, and adding a few contingencies to allow for unpredictable weather or in case I didn’t like my outfit choices once I arrived. Naturally almost every trip I’ve been on involved bringing way too many clothes, which ended up taking almost as much time to return to the closet when I came back as it did to put them in the suitcase in the first place.
In the past, I have also taken way too much time preparing for the drive itself — organizing bags of red licorice, dried fruit, nuts and chips; packing a cooler with water and sodas and sliced fruit; figuring out what music we might want to listen to, what movies the kids could watch, what devices would keep them occupied so they didn’t ask every five minutes if we were there yet.
I would think about all the things we’d need in the hotel to make our stay more enjoyable too – extra pillows, blankets, peanut butter and bread in case someone needed a snack between meals, and ground coffee for the coffee maker that is high on my list of favorite features in the kitchenette style suites we always stay at. Oh, and of course coffee filters to brew it in.
I like to tidy up before we leave too, so that we come back to a nice, refreshingly clean house (which often takes hours in itself).
But this trip required spur of the moment action. It didn’t allow for any of my careful planning and deliberation over every little thing I could think of (which in the past has ended up pushing back our planned departure time by hours, much to my husband’s dismay.)
And this time, strangely I was up for it. It was only a two day trip – how hard could it be? I went into the closet with a little gym bag and picked a couple of t-shirts and a pair of shorts. I grabbed something to sleep in and scooped my makeup and facial care products together. It was the smallest bag I’ve ever packed. Done!
I walked into the pantry with a plastic grocery bag and randomly threw things in it, not even sure exactly what landed, grabbed my coffee and some filters (because, really that’s an essential). And we jumped in the car.
There were dishes in the sink and all over the counter, along with the contents of the backpacks of each of my children — who had dumped out everything they had accumulated over the entire school year as soon as soon as they came home. The clothes we had washed the night before were in a pile on the rocking chair, waiting to be sorted and folded. And each kid’s room looked like a bomb went off in it (as it often does).
“What about this mess?” I said to my husband as we headed toward the door, herding our three children toward the car. “It’ll still be here when we come home,” he shot back. I swallowed my resistance and slipped into the passenger seat as he turned the key in the ignition.
And before we knew it, we were backing out of the driveway and headed for the road. It was so unlike me to be ready for anything on the spur of the moment, but it felt strangely exhilarating. I was free and unencumbered. I had left my unnecessary baggage behind me. And I was finally traveling light.
I wasn’t outfitted in the way I had tried so hard to be in the past, with stuff I thought would allow me to rise up to any occasion. But my mind was ready. I felt nimble and quick, like I could think on my feet about what to do with anything that came my way.
And as we continued our six hour drive from Phoenix to San Diego, I mused over how often I had over thought and unnecessarily complicated so many other things in my life. How many times did I plan and prepare what I thought was a foolproof strategy and then wait until conditions seemed perfect to execute it, almost missing my window of opportunity altogether? How much procrastinating have I done by convincing myself that I needed to prepare my workspace and get completely organized before I could concentrate and make headway on a task? And how often did I find that the time I allocated to work on something ended up dwindling to nothing by the time I had finished preparing myself to start?
I suddenly recalled exercises I did in school that involved reading over a few paragraphs with way too much information and crossing out the sentences and words that were redundant. And how beautifully those paragraphs read without all that unnecessary stuff.
Perhaps I am headed for a simplification of my very self, a lightening, and a back to basics way of living my life — one where I am unencumbered by my fear, my worries, my futile attempts to try to control every variable with a plan that takes way to long to figure out and even longer to execute (and often ends up missing the mark anyway).
So I applied this new way of approaching things to writing this article. I sat myself down and noticed that familiar urge to get a snack, pour myself a glass of water, make sure I had replied to any pressing emails, go around in circles about what I want to write about. Not this time, I decided. Instead, I opened up a word document and started typing a stream of consciousness. Random thoughts that made no sense whatsoever. I wrote about how I had no idea what to write about, how ridiculous it was to think I could sit down and just jump in. And how I was kind of scared that once I finally figured it out, I wouldn’t do it justice.
I noticed my tendency to want to go back and read what I had already written, and perfect and edit it before I had even finished. And I made myself just keep on writing. Just get it done. Just jump in the car. Just grab what you need and figure the rest out along the way.
Eventually the article you are now reading spilled onto the page. Pretty messy at first. But I got it done. I got out of my own freaking way, and I got it done. And it felt good. A whole new way of looking at things. A whole new way of being. Me, pared down, minus unnecessary fears, protests, layers of protection, feet dragging. Me. Right here, right now.
It felt a little strange – like writing with the wrong hand, or going outside with my clothes on backwards. I’m aware of the fear that if I don’t spend hours preparing for something, I might forget an important detail or face a situation I’m not equipped for. But I have a feeling that the more I do this, the more I’ll learn to trust something in myself that knows exactly what I need for any given task – without having to think about it all that much. And that would be worth more than anything my most careful, cautious planning and preparation has gotten me.
Maybe all I really need is my coffee. (And perhaps one day, I’ll learn to function without that too.)
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Stay tuned for the launch of a new video series, On the Road to Real: The Adventures of Pistachio (coming in July via OnTheRoadtoReal.com), designed to help each of us move beyond the old habits and patterns that keep us from the road that leads to true happiness and lasting fulfillment.
Image: www.freedigitalphotos.net
Making Your Change Stick
Have you ever bought a piece of exercise equipment that ultimately became a place to hang your laundry? How about fresh vegetables that rotted at the bottom of your refrigerator while you ended up consuming fast food instead? Do you have any “how to” or personal/professional development books on your shelves that you never actually finished (or read at all)?
Sadly, I can answer yes to all of these questions. I also own more cookbooks than many gourmet chefs do – most of which have unfortunately never seen the light of my kitchen. It’s a mysterious phenomenon. I buy all of these things with good intentions, and it feels good to purchase them, as though I am one step closer to achieving some kind of goal for myself. But somewhere in the execution stage, things often go awry (or never go at all).
This is not unlike what many of my clients experience when they are in the midst of trying to make a change. They know what they want, and in some cases have read articles and books or attended classes to learn step by step processes – and even made some progress. But for whatever reason they often find themselves falling back into old patterns that keep them from achieving the success they seek.
Perhaps it is a leader in the midst of trying to be more strategic that gets sucked into doing operational tasks that should really be delegated to others. Or someone working on channeling his passion and energy into influencing people by inspiring them gets frustrated and ends up relying on his authority (or his temper) to get what he wants.
Whatever the change that people seek, they are bound to experience resistance and frustration in the midst of transitioning from an old pattern into a more productive, constructive and effective one.
The good news, I always tell people, is that if you are frustrated that you have been unable to make progress, you have actually made more progress than you realize.
At the very least, you have recognized that your current behavior is simply not working for you anymore, and are immersed in feeling the negative impact that behavior is having on your effectiveness. Without experiencing the pain of a behavior we want to change, there is very little likelihood that we will be motivated to do what it takes to get where we want to go.
And the first step to making any kind of change is to become aware of the patterns and habits we are currently falling into, so that we can interrupt the knee jerk reaction that compels us to keep engaging in them.
You see, the part of self improvement that most people are accustomed to is that which entails learning a new skill. As Abraham Maslow pointed out many years ago, we start out in a phase of unconscious incompetence, where we don’t even know what we don’t know.
In this phase, we may believe the change we want to make should be easier than not. My preteen kids, for instance, believe they can drive cars because they do it all the time in their video games.
The second learning stage we reach is conscious incompetence, where we realize how very little we actually do know – which is what will happen the first time my children actually get behind the wheel of a real car (just like it did for me so many years ago).
This is a painful and often humiliating phase that makes reverting back to the habits and patterns we do know – but are trying to move away from – all the more enticing.
The third learning stage is conscious competence, where we begin to achieve success in learning and executing a new skill – but we have to work at it, sometimes peeking at our notes to remember what to do next and/or how to do it correctly.
I remember that when I learned how to drive a stick shift, I initially had to tape a diagram onto the dashboard that reminded me where each gear was, and make each shift with deliberate and focused intention.
The fourth stage is unconscious competence, where we know something so well, we no longer need to think about it much – which is where most people are when they attempt to text, talk on the phone, eat and do all kinds of other crazy things while they are driving.
We get to the place where the thing we are doing comes so naturally , we may even feel as though we could do it in our sleep.
While this four stage learning process is often acknowledged as being vital to learning new things, we often overlook the fact that making a change also requires us to unlearn old things.
In other words, the behavior most people are trying to change is so engrained that they are at the stage of unconscious competence with it: it kicks in without them even realizing it – because to a large degree it is on automatic pilot.
Until we learn to dismantle the old behaviors, the impulses and conditioned actions will always threaten to override our deliberate efforts at implementing something new – especially if it flies in the face of what we did before.
Q. So how do you dismantle old behavior?
A. You have to start at the phase the old behavior is at (unconscious competence) and move backwards.
Before we can make the change we seek, we have to become aware of the degree to which the old behavior kicks in without us even realizing it. And once we realize it, we have successfully moved down the ladder from unconscious competence to conscious competence – where we are doing what we are doing, but with awareness.
This is exactly the phase people are at when they feel consumed with frustration at not being able to make the change they seek. They have begun to realize just how strong their impulse to do what they’ve always done is and how often it kicks in.
Combine this with the frustration people experience at the stage of conscious incompetence while becoming proficient with a new behavior – where they are painfully aware of just how much they don’t know – and it’s no wonder people have such difficulty making lasting change.
But the intersection between conscious competence with an old behavior, and conscious incompetence with a new behavior is the very threshold at which change happens. If we can just stick with it long enough and continue to pay attention, we can catch ourselves in the midst of engaging in an old behavior and interrupt the pattern.
The more often we do this, the better we get at it – and eventually we can move the old behavior from conscious competence to conscious incompetence – where we are deliberately choosing not to engage in it anymore. At the same time, we can move up the ladder with our new behavior – from conscious incompetence to conscious competence – the stage at which we achieve some success with applying what we are learning.
The bottom line is that change is hard. And it takes time. We need to give ourselves credit for showing up and keep on plugging away. Thomas Edison once said, “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”
I like to tell a story in my workshops that illustrates the process of making a change. You may have heard it before:
A guy walks down a street and falls into a hole. He is not happy about it and feels like a victim.
The next day, he walks down the same street and falls into the hole again. He is frustrated with himself, because he knew better.
On the third day, he walks down that street, begins to fall into the hole again, catches himself, and manages to avoid it.
On the fourth day, he walks down the street, sees the hole and consciously steps around it.
On the fifth day, he walks down another street.
Will Rogers once said, “If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.” I would echo his advice and add – become aware of the fact that YOU are holding the shovel. Use it to get yourself out of the hole. And before too long, you will learn to take another street.
The above article contains excerpts from my book, The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be, available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com.
It’s a Stretch – Moving Out of Your Comfort Zone
“Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
When was the last time you stretched yourself? I mean literally, physically stretched yourself?
It wasn’t that long ago that I had trouble touching my toes. I started doing yoga, and in one of the classes I attended we were asked to bend our bodies in a somewhat unusual way. The instructor effortlessly folded herself in half while I leaned slightly forward and came to an abrupt halt. It wasn’t really pain that I experienced as much as plain old discomfort. I wanted this part of the class to be over.
We were told to relax and breathe. Everything inside of me resisted even the idea of this crazy position that was the furthest thing from what I thought I or any other reasonable human being would consider restful. My muscles were tense and my body felt like it was in a knot. But I did my best to follow the directions – relax and breathe into it.
And as I did, a funny thing happened. After a short time, my muscles seemed to soften in spite of themselves, and I found myself gradually dropping more deeply into the stretch. The longer I held it, the (dare I say?) better it felt, until I was actually kind of enjoying this strange new sensation.
And then the thought occurred to me that this whole process is analogous to doing something – anything – that takes us out of our comfort zone.
We see something that beckons, perhaps something that we know will be good for us, and yet we resist. Often we move tentatively into it and then hit a wall of discomfort. In this discomfort a myriad of unsettling thoughts and fears barrage us – “I’m no good at this…,” “this was a bad idea…” “I’m wasting my time…” and on and on. And the resistance itself seems to intensify the discomfort. We tighten up, literally and figuratively, and block ourselves from moving into the experience.
But if we can remain patient and open – if we can allow ourselves this initial period of discomfort and stay present with it, relaxing into it and breathing through it, we might be surprised at the results we experience. Think of the last time you tried something really different – something new and exciting and kind of terrifying all at the same time. If you stayed with it despite your initial resistance, chances are that over time the discomfort gave way to exhilaration and over more time, perhaps deep gratification. And the longer you kept at it, the easier and more satisfying it became.
We are all capable of so much more than we realize, and I believe now more than ever we are beginning to see that that it is time for us to stand taller, to reach higher, and to be willing to open ourselves up to allow our greatest work to emerge. Do not be fooled into thinking that going outside of your comfort zone is merely a self serving exercise that can wait until you have more confidence or time. In fact, there is no better way to increase your confidence than by taking this kind of action in spite of your fear and discomfort. This kind of courageous exploration enriches not only ourselves, but everyone around us who will surely benefit from the gifts we uncover and give form to. When we shrink, we cheat more than just ourselves. And when we expand, we allow ourselves to truly lead – in whatever form that leadership will take.
As leaders, we cannot expect others to stretch themselves if we are not willing to do it first. We must allow ourselves to be humbled and vulnerable so that we can identify with and understand the experiences we ask others to participate in. And we need to be patient and supportive with them as they encounter and work through their own forms of resistance.
What can you do today to stretch yourself out of your comfort zone? And how can you apply what you learn to make you a stronger, more influential and transformational leader?
The above article contains excerpts from my book, The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be, available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com.
Photo by Ambro.
Room to Grow
What is it that you are longing to create in the coming year? And what do you need to let go of in order to allow it to fully take root?
Are you willing to entertain the thought that it may come in a form that is unfamiliar to you?
Every year, we are encouraged to set New Year’s resolutions. We are a goal driven society that is conditioned to seek more. Our egos desire more money, more fame and prestige, and more stuff. A deeper part of ourselves longs for more peace, more meaning, and more purpose in our lives. We want to move beyond our previous realizations of what we’ve already accomplished to master newer, better ways of doing things – whether that be what we create in our lives or in our organizations – and as leaders what we are able to inspire others to do as well.
Though it is tempting to occupy ourselves with thoughts of how we can go about achieving all of this and what we need to do more of, perhaps what we really need to start with is what we need to do less of – what we need to let go of in order to create the space for something new to come in. We are constantly evolving as human beings – and as communities of human beings. It is so easy to look to the past to define who we are though the things we’ve already done – goals we’ve achieved, titles we’ve acquired, creations we have built. Our previous experiences coagulate to form an identity that is easy to confuse with our true nature.
The fact of the matter is, you are not your accomplishments, your creations, or the sum total of the various roles you play in your life – manager, director, vice president, mother, father, friend, son, daughter, etc. You are much, much more than that. Your potential is limitless.
And yet, we limit ourselves by these definitions. They filter the experiences we allow ourselves to have and compel us to define the form that our deepest longings should take. In order to be happy, we reason – we must get that promotion, achieve this or that particular goal, hit that target. So we continue to go through the motions, doing the kinds of things we’ve always done – on a sort of auto pilot. Some of this may bring satisfaction, and some may bring a growing source of discontentment.
We need to attune ourselves to that which brings us the most of what we truly desire and open ourselves to the possibility that what we really want may need to come in a form that has previously been undefined for us. In short, we must allow ourselves to surrender what we think we know to open up to the mystery that is unfolding in each of our lives.
Easier said than done, right? How exactly do you go about letting go of the known when it is all you know?
We can take our cues from nature. Snakes and other reptiles shed their skin, trees drop their leaves, and caterpillars create cocoons in which their forms entirely dissolve before recreating themselves in the form of butterflies. Even a fish in a bowl cannot stay in water that contains its excrement – the waste must either be emptied and replaced with new water, or absorbed by something else that will remove it from the fish’s environment. Without engaging in these renewing processes, these creatures will die. And so it is of us. Many of us are already walking around encased in layers of old, dead stuff that needs to be released.
What are you holding onto in your life that has run its course? What are the old outmoded ways of doing things that no longer bring you energy? What are the things you’ve acquired that you no longer need? What beliefs are you holding onto that are no longer true for you?
Pay attention to the times that you feel constricted, anxious, or tired and in those moments ask what you can let go of. Don’t be afraid of the answer. Though it may frighten you because it introduces an element of the unknown, following these insights will always lead to freedom and liberation.
Your computer can only handle so much data. If you do not delete old email and get rid of files that have been accumulating over the years, and if you continue to add new programs without deleting old ones, you will find that it becomes sluggish and unresponsive. Just as freeing up space allows your computer to process things more quickly, so too will clearing your own personal space (whether of things or thoughts) allow you to access new levels of clarity and creativity.
You will breathe easier, be more present in every action and interaction you partake of, and bring more of who you really are to what you do. And you will open up the space of possibility that will allow something to come in that may surprise and delight you. Rather than being something you slave away for, it will simply emerge and reveal itself to you.
And of course, any work you do on yourself will serve as a form of leadership for others who, like you, seek their own answers and could benefit from your example of unearthing what is possible and allowing it to take form in new and unexpected ways.
Wishing you a bright, beautiful New Year – and the realization of your most cherished dreams and visions!
The above article contains excerpts from my new book, The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be, available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com.
2012 photo by Vlado.
Butterfly photo by wiangya.
Shifting From Sabotage To Success
It has been said that every thought you have has an impact on something. And I believe it. What about the thoughts that fly randomly through your brain – the ones you have little or no awareness of? And what about the thoughts that get stuck in your head, repeating themselves over and over and over…? That’s what this week’s video post is all about. I hope you enjoy it!
Here’s what I said (and sang) in the video:
A SONG OF SABOTAGE: “I cannot help but feeling that I have so much at stake. So I lock myself inside my head and I just run in place. So many directions, I don’t know which way to go. I’m so busy doing nothing, that I’ve nothing to show. I’ve got a new LOW…”
Lyrics from A New Low by Middle Class Rut
A SONG OF SUCCESS: “When a problem comes along, you must whip it. Before the cream sets out too long, you must whip it. Now whip it, into shape. Shape it up. Get straight. Go forward. Move ahead. Try to detect it. It’s not too late – to whip it. Whip it good.“
Lyrics from Whip It by Devo
“I can’t help feeling like I have so much at stake so I lock myself inside my head and I just run in place.” Do you have a song like this running through your head?
We get songs stuck in our heads and before we know it, they’re playing over and over. It’s really similar to the negative beliefs and doubts and negative things we say to ourselves all throughout the day. And we may not even have any idea what it is we’re telling ourselves until we recognize that we’re just feeling lousy.
When that happens, we can get conscious of what’s at the root of that. And often times, it’s something that we can easily adjust. The only way that I know of to get a song out of my head that won’t go away is to replace it with another song.
So, if you think of that in terms of what we’re saying to ourselves, what’s the song that you need to play inside your head right now? What’s the song that you can play that’s going to make you turn your view around and help you show up in a whole new way?
For more on Shifting From Sabotage To Success:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be
A Strategy for Overcoming Fear
The Tyranny of Should: Chore vs. Choice
Lightening Your Load: Mind Over Matter
Image by digitalart.
A Simple Little Shift
What’s not working in your life right now? Does it have you spinning into a bit of a tizzy? This week’s video features a story that might provide insight and inspiration to finding the solution you seek – by simply looking at your challenge again, with new eyes. I hope you enjoy it!
Here’s what I said in the video:
This clock belongs to a dear friend of mine, and she told me a story the other day that was just so enlightening to me. She gave me permission to retell it.
She loves this clock, just loves it. It matches her office beautifully. She has a couple of brushed steel lamps [that match], and it’s the perfect size, and she loves to look at it. But one day it stopped working.
So she went to put in new batteries and to her incredible disappointment, after she put the batteries in it, the clock still didn’t work. She wanted to have something in her office that was as beautiful, if not more beautiful, than this clock. So she did what any of us would do when we really love something enough that we want to replace it or replicate it. She drove all over town looking for a clock that was like this one — store after store after store. And finally she found one that wasn’t quite the same, but it would do.
So she brought it home and put the batteries in, and guess what — that clock didn’t work either! So she opened it up to take the batteries out and she realized, wait a minute – a light bulb went on in her head.
She went she got her old clock that she loved so much and thought she would try this again. So she opened the clock and put the battery in the opposite way – lo and behold it worked again.
I love this story, because it is so representative of we tend to do when something isn’t working. We run all over the place, rack our brains, and sometimes go to great lengths and great expense trying to come up with a solution, when all we needed to do was make a simple little shift using what we already have right in front of us.
Sometimes all you really need is a simple little shift.
Broken glasses picture by Edward Phillips from Dreamstime.com.
Getting What You Really Want
“What do you really want?” I often ask my clients. “What do you really want?” I often ask myself this too.
“I want things to go my way. I want to come out on top. I more wins and less losses. I want my problems to go away. I want to be profitable. I want to be successful. I want to be respected.”
These are some of the answers that come back to me when I ask that question of myself and/or others.
“OK. What would that give you?”
“What do you mean, what would that give me? It would give me what I want.”
If people aren’t actually saying that, there’s a good chance they are at least thinking it.
“So, if you got what you think you want, what would that give you?” I ask again.
“Oh. I don’t know. Peace of mind, I guess. Satisfaction. Happiness. A feeling that all is right in the world.”
“What if you could have that now?”
“Great. Sign me up.”
What if it really were that easy? Have you ever noticed that the quality of your day is a direct reflection of your thoughts? If we go into situations believing that we know exactly what must happen in order to achieve the state of satisfaction we want, we are placing conditions on a state of mind that is readily available to us anytime.
“Huh?”
Say you are about to go into a high pressure meeting. You have your agenda. You know what you need to do to come out on top. You believe that things must go a certain way in order for that to happen. You want to win, and you want to be respected. Anything less is unsatisfactory. Your mind is creating a situation where in order to win, people must bend to your will. And potentially, someone might have to lose. If things don’t go exactly the way you envision them, you will be disappointed. And if they do, someone else is likely to feel disappointed, or at the very least disrespected. The satisfaction and happiness you were seeking with a “win” is likely to fade quickly, leading you to believe you must get another “win” to sustain it.
What if you go into that same situation with a different goal, or intention? What if, instead of having everything figured out and sealed up front, you go in with the desire to agree on a solution that will be in the best interest of all parties — even if that solution is something you haven’t already considered? Your mind will begin to entertain the thought that there could actually be a situation in which everyone wins, including you. You will ask different questions. You will listen more intently. You will be more genuinely interested in what others have to say, because they are an important part of your solution. You will show respect to others, and in so doing become worthy of their respect.
What if you could take it a step further? What if you could hold the intention of allowing everyone to win in your mind before you even stepped into that meeting? What if as you began to create the ideal solution you did so with the knowing that everyone will walk away from that meeting feeling better than they did before it started? Could you feel the satisfaction of a pleasing solution before it has even materialized? And if you did, imagine what you would bring to that meeting. A quiet confidence. Faith. Trust. Patience. Confidence in the wisdom of the group. You may help them to consider the potential of a solution as a group that they didn’t previously realize was possible.
We are conditioned to believe that we have to do something in order to get that final end state we all want — something like get our way, accumulate things, prove ourselves, make a lot of money, etc. But what if the success equation were flipped? What if we started out with the state of mind that we most desire? From that state of mind, what actions would we choose?
“What do you really want?”
Ask yourself that question now, with regard to whatever your mind is occupied with.
“What would that give you?”
See if you can take it to a higher level — one that allows everyone involved to benefit in some way.
Can you imagine what that would be like? Can you feel the ultimate end state you want as though it has already happened, even though you have no idea how it will come to pass? Can you rest in the certainty that things will happen in everyone’s best interest?
Let your actions flow from the state of mind you wish to achieve. Over time, you’ll realize that instead of having to see it to believe it, what you see will be a direct reflection of what you believe. Allow yourself to believe in the highest possible good, and you will work miracles in your life and those of everyone around you as well.
For more on Getting What You Really Want:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be
Seven Powerful Lessons for Living that I Learned by Writing a Book
Why Goals Will Only Get You Part Way There — and How to Bridge the Gap
Lightening Your Load: Mind Over Matter
Priorities, Productivity and Perspective
Getting Connected ~ What Intuition and the Internet Have in Common
Eye image by Ciprian Florin Dumitrescu from Dreamstime.com.
Thoughtful image by Anatoly TIplyashin from Dreamstime.com.
A Strategy for Overcoming Fear
This week’s post features a video that I initially didn’t equate with getting out of fear. In fact, I originally titled the video From Self Absorbed to Self Empowered. But after writing last week’s post, A New Way to Look at Fear, I realized that this video is actually a demonstration of one of the best ways I know to get out of fear. It’s simple, easy and powerful. I hope you enjoy it. And I encourage you try it for yourself. Let me know how it goes, will you?
Here’s what I said in the video:
One of the things I’ve found that helps me get out of my self – meaning out of my head – out of my self-absorbed preoccupation with worrying about how I look, how I come across, whether or not I can do something is to think about what I want to experience.
So one day I was playing with this affirmation or intention of what it was that I wanted. It started with “Let me see love.” Wouldn’t that be great to see love everywhere you look? That if even when the face of things don’t seem very lovely that I could see love.
Then I thought what would be even better is if I could feel love. So I could say “Let me feel love.” And how great is that? That I could relax in this comfort and feeling of just love everywhere.
And then I thought, “Well, how about if I give love? So let me give love.” How much better would that be because if I’m giving love, surely I’m feeling it! And if I’m feeling it, surely I’m seeing it.
And then it hit me that what I really want more than anything else is to be love. Let me BE love.
And I think with that intention, there’s probably nothing I can’t do.
For more on overcoming fear:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be
Just Let it Rip – The Problem with Polished
Photograph by Fritz Langmann from http://www.dreamstime.com/free-stock-image-young-woman-appalled-rimagefree1828966-resi3423159.
Can You Take a Compliment?
Do you remember the last time someone gave you praise? Did you let their compliment land? Or did you feel the need to deflect it? This week’s video post was motivated by an observation I had about my own behavior and a surprising insight that came when I stopped to really think about it.
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Here’s what I said in the video:
I don’t deserve that. What’s this? This is SO not true. Oh, this isn’t for me – this is for her. What are you giving me this for? I don’t want that! I don’t deserve that.
You think I’m good? I’ll give you ten reasons why I’m not.
Do you have trouble taking a compliment? A lot of us do. You know, we were brought up to thinking that it’s not good to toot your own horn and that you shouldn’t draw attention to yourself. But the thing we don’t realize is that when we don’t take people’s compliments, we’re basically telling them that their opinions don’t matter. Telling them that what they think has little, if any, impact on us and that we really don’t care what they think. Most of us would hate to tell anybody that.
So, the next time someone gives you a compliment, realize, it’s a gift.
Good things are always coming your way. Are you willing to receive them?
Thumb photo by Craig Hill from Dreamstime.com.
The Tyranny of Should: Chore vs. Choice
This morning as I reflected on the day ahead of me, I had an epiphany. I realized there is one word that has a way of sucking all the joy out of everything I do. And that word is SHOULD.
Let me explain. Over the last several weeks, I’ve been blessed with a number of ideas that landed gently at the edge of my awareness. They were accompanied by an electricity that made them glimmer and pique my curiosity. Some of those ideas were for articles, some for videos, and others for potential projects and other endeavors.
I couldn’t help but feel a surge of excitement as I pondered them. The feeling reminded me of dreams I had as a kid where I would find myself amidst piles of treasures, golden and shimmering. In those dreams, I often knew I would be waking soon and tried to scoop into my arms and shove into my pockets as much of those riches as I could, in an attempt to bring them back into my waking reality. Of course, I always awoke in my pajamas with no sign of the fortunes I was previously enjoying.
As an adult, I realize that we sometimes get glimpses of treasure in our waking hours too. These treasures are in the form of ideas that beckon to us. They get our hearts pumping and send a charge through our bodies. And if we don’t act on them, even in some small way, they evaporate into nothingness, just as the remnants of the dreams I had as a kid did upon waking.
So, I’ve learned to write these ideas down when I get them. And I know the importance of continuing to take action on them. Here’s the thing I discovered this morning:
That flame that was sparked when those ideas hit, and slowly stoked as I pondered and moved into them — that fire that was crackling with intensity and even beginning to blaze — was almost completely doused when I introduced the word “SHOULD” into its presence.
As soon as I felt the weight that came from believing I should write those articles, I no longer really wanted to. They were right up there with cleaning out my garage. When I’m shouldering the burden of should, all my procrastination mechanisms kick in. I’ll check my email, venture over to Twitter or Facebook, read some silly thing that has absolutely no value to me. And then I’ll really feel awful.
Just say the word “should” and feel your energy drop. “I should go to work today. I should eat healthier food. I should get moving on that project. I should return those calls. ” Even the things you want to do become tainted and heavy when the word “should” is involved.
I think the reason SHOULD kills our joy is that it turns what is really a CHOICE into a CHORE.
When something is a chore, you just want to get it over with. You’re checking the box and never really get into it. Maybe you’re thinking about all the things you’d rather be doing or how much you resent the fact that you “have to” do what you are doing in the moment. “Should” causes us to withhold that which gives us and everyone around us life. And that is really unfortunate for everyone involved.
Because if what you do touches the lives of other people (and pretty much everything we do does), they are cheated of having the full experience of you in the work. They get a mere shell of what would otherwise be filled with substance. And you miss out on the joy that comes with making the choice to fully participate in something that could very well transform you just by having done it.
What is it that you feel you should do today? Maybe it’s something you don’t think you really have a choice in, like showing up for work or paying your bills. OK. Let’s say you don’t really love your job right now. The more you tell yourself it’s something you have to do — the more you allow your should to make it a chore — the less of you you’ll bring to it, the more you will focus on all the things that bring you down, the less remarkable your work will be, the more out of touch you will be with what makes you happy, and the less likely you will be to position yourself for work that does bring you joy.
But let’s say instead of making it a chore, you make it a choice. You decide that whatever this day brings, you will find something to be happy about, something to be present for, something to light you up. Maybe it’s just giving someone a smile, or taking that extra minute to do something you’d like someone to do for you, or being grateful that you have a job. Maybe you take that onerous task you’ve been dreading and make a game of it. Try it and see what happens.
When you bring joy into your work, you’ll increasingly find that you have work that brings you joy. You’ll see things from new perspectives and make different connections and different choices. You’ll find ways to infuse more of what enriches you and those around you into whatever it is that you do.
As soon as I realized what my “should” was doing to that glimmering treasure trove of ideas, I took myself back to the delight I felt when I first pondered them — the energy that was in the air, the childlike wonder and curiosity. And I remembered how much I really want to do all those things. The chore went away and I reclaimed my choice. The heaviness dissipated and I began to feel free and inspired again. I sat at my computer and began to write the very article you are reading now, enjoying and savoring each moment of the experience.
And I made a pact with myself to be more aware of my “shoulds”. Because any chore can be transformed into choice when you trade the “should” for “want to”. And when you make the choice to bring who you really are into whatever it is you are doing, EVERYONE will benefit.
Join me, won’t you?
For more on moving from chore to choice:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be
Lightening Your Load: Mind Over Matter
Priorities, Productivity and Perspective
