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A Strategy for Overcoming Fear
This week’s post features a video that I initially didn’t equate with getting out of fear. In fact, I originally titled the video From Self Absorbed to Self Empowered. But after writing last week’s post, A New Way to Look at Fear, I realized that this video is actually a demonstration of one of the best ways I know to get out of fear. It’s simple, easy and powerful. I hope you enjoy it. And I encourage you try it for yourself. Let me know how it goes, will you?
Here’s what I said in the video:
One of the things I’ve found that helps me get out of my self – meaning out of my head – out of my self-absorbed preoccupation with worrying about how I look, how I come across, whether or not I can do something is to think about what I want to experience.
So one day I was playing with this affirmation or intention of what it was that I wanted. It started with “Let me see love.” Wouldn’t that be great to see love everywhere you look? That if even when the face of things don’t seem very lovely that I could see love.
Then I thought what would be even better is if I could feel love. So I could say “Let me feel love.” And how great is that? That I could relax in this comfort and feeling of just love everywhere.
And then I thought, “Well, how about if I give love? So let me give love.” How much better would that be because if I’m giving love, surely I’m feeling it! And if I’m feeling it, surely I’m seeing it.
And then it hit me that what I really want more than anything else is to be love. Let me BE love.
And I think with that intention, there’s probably nothing I can’t do.
For more on overcoming fear:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be 
Just Let it Rip – The Problem with Polished
Photograph by Fritz Langmann from http://www.dreamstime.com/free-stock-image-young-woman-appalled-rimagefree1828966-resi3423159.
Can You Take a Compliment?
Do you remember the last time someone gave you praise? Did you let their compliment land? Or did you feel the need to deflect it? This week’s video post was motivated by an observation I had about my own behavior and a surprising insight that came when I stopped to really think about it.
If you like it, pass it on. Tweet
Here’s what I said in the video:
I don’t deserve that. What’s this? This is SO not true. Oh, this isn’t for me – this is for her. What are you giving me this for? I don’t want that! I don’t deserve that.
You think I’m good? I’ll give you ten reasons why I’m not.
Do you have trouble taking a compliment? A lot of us do. You know, we were brought up to thinking that it’s not good to toot your own horn and that you shouldn’t draw attention to yourself. But the thing we don’t realize is that when we don’t take people’s compliments, we’re basically telling them that their opinions don’t matter. Telling them that what they think has little, if any, impact on us and that we really don’t care what they think. Most of us would hate to tell anybody that.
So, the next time someone gives you a compliment, realize, it’s a gift.
Good things are always coming your way. Are you willing to receive them?
Thumb photo by Craig Hill from Dreamstime.com.
The Tyranny of Should: Chore vs. Choice
This morning as I reflected on the day ahead of me, I had an epiphany. I realized there is one word that has a way of sucking all the joy out of everything I do. And that word is SHOULD.
Let me explain. Over the last several weeks, I’ve been blessed with a number of ideas that landed gently at the edge of my awareness. They were accompanied by an electricity that made them glimmer and pique my curiosity. Some of those ideas were for articles, some for videos, and others for potential projects and other endeavors.
I couldn’t help but feel a surge of excitement as I pondered them. The feeling reminded me of dreams I had as a kid where I would find myself amidst piles of treasures, golden and shimmering. In those dreams, I often knew I would be waking soon and tried to scoop into my arms and shove into my pockets as much of those riches as I could, in an attempt to bring them back into my waking reality. Of course, I always awoke in my pajamas with no sign of the fortunes I was previously enjoying.
As an adult, I realize that we sometimes get glimpses of treasure in our waking hours too. These treasures are in the form of ideas that beckon to us. They get our hearts pumping and send a charge through our bodies. And if we don’t act on them, even in some small way, they evaporate into nothingness, just as the remnants of the dreams I had as a kid did upon waking.
So, I’ve learned to write these ideas down when I get them. And I know the importance of continuing to take action on them. Here’s the thing I discovered this morning:
That flame that was sparked when those ideas hit, and slowly stoked as I pondered and moved into them — that fire that was crackling with intensity and even beginning to blaze — was almost completely doused when I introduced the word “SHOULD” into its presence.
As soon as I felt the weight that came from believing I should write those articles, I no longer really wanted to. They were right up there with cleaning out my garage. When I’m shouldering the burden of should, all my procrastination mechanisms kick in. I’ll check my email, venture over to Twitter or Facebook, read some silly thing that has absolutely no value to me. And then I’ll really feel awful.
Just say the word “should” and feel your energy drop. “I should go to work today. I should eat healthier food. I should get moving on that project. I should return those calls. ” Even the things you want to do become tainted and heavy when the word “should” is involved.
I think the reason SHOULD kills our joy is that it turns what is really a CHOICE into a CHORE.
When something is a chore, you just want to get it over with. You’re checking the box and never really get into it. Maybe you’re thinking about all the things you’d rather be doing or how much you resent the fact that you “have to” do what you are doing in the moment. “Should” causes us to withhold that which gives us and everyone around us life. And that is really unfortunate for everyone involved.
Because if what you do touches the lives of other people (and pretty much everything we do does), they are cheated of having the full experience of you in the work. They get a mere shell of what would otherwise be filled with substance. And you miss out on the joy that comes with making the choice to fully participate in something that could very well transform you just by having done it.
What is it that you feel you should do today? Maybe it’s something you don’t think you really have a choice in, like showing up for work or paying your bills. OK. Let’s say you don’t really love your job right now. The more you tell yourself it’s something you have to do — the more you allow your should to make it a chore — the less of you you’ll bring to it, the more you will focus on all the things that bring you down, the less remarkable your work will be, the more out of touch you will be with what makes you happy, and the less likely you will be to position yourself for work that does bring you joy.
But let’s say instead of making it a chore, you make it a choice. You decide that whatever this day brings, you will find something to be happy about, something to be present for, something to light you up. Maybe it’s just giving someone a smile, or taking that extra minute to do something you’d like someone to do for you, or being grateful that you have a job. Maybe you take that onerous task you’ve been dreading and make a game of it. Try it and see what happens.
When you bring joy into your work, you’ll increasingly find that you have work that brings you joy. You’ll see things from new perspectives and make different connections and different choices. You’ll find ways to infuse more of what enriches you and those around you into whatever it is that you do.
As soon as I realized what my “should” was doing to that glimmering treasure trove of ideas, I took myself back to the delight I felt when I first pondered them — the energy that was in the air, the childlike wonder and curiosity. And I remembered how much I really want to do all those things. The chore went away and I reclaimed my choice. The heaviness dissipated and I began to feel free and inspired again. I sat at my computer and began to write the very article you are reading now, enjoying and savoring each moment of the experience.
And I made a pact with myself to be more aware of my “shoulds”. Because any chore can be transformed into choice when you trade the “should” for “want to”. And when you make the choice to bring who you really are into whatever it is you are doing, EVERYONE will benefit.
Join me, won’t you?
For more on moving from chore to choice:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be
Lightening Your Load: Mind Over Matter
Priorities, Productivity and Perspective
Falling Down
Do you find yourself frustrated when you keep trying something over and over again only to feel like you’re getting nowhere? I must confess, I’ve felt that way often. But I had an epiphany one day in yoga class that gave me a whole new perspective. I suddenly realized the one thing that was consistently missing in my many attempts. This week’s video post is about that one thing, which has proven to be valuable not only on my yoga mat, but in the rest of my life as well.
When you’re done watching the video, scroll down for more resources on “falling over”.
Here’s what I said in the video:
I’ve been working on trying to do a handstand for a really long time. And it took me a long time before I would even try. I would see people doing it and think “Wow that’s really cool, but I can’t imagine I would ever be able to do that”. And then gradually, I thought, “You know what? I want to do this. I’m going to try this.”
So, I started off by kicking one foot up and just didn’t get far enough. Kicked another foot up and just wasn’t getting anywhere. And I thought “How do people do this?”
The yoga instructor pulled me aside one day and said, “You know Diane, if you really want to get up there, you have to be not afraid of falling over.” And I thought “Falling over! I don’t want to fall over.” So I took that home and I thought about it and I kept watching people.
And I thought “You know what, so what if I fall over – I know how to fall into a backbend. I’m going to try it, what the heck!”.
So the next time, I kicked up further and higher than I’ve ever kicked up, and guess what – I fell over. Splat, right on my back. Just then, the man sitting next to me on his mat said, “Wow, you’re a risk taker.” And I replied [after thinking about it for a minute] “… yeah, I am.”
Real success is achieved when falling down simply becomes part of the process.
For more on “falling over”:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be
Let it Rip – Pushing Past Polished (published 8/1/11 on the Women Speakers Association blog)
Bouncing Back: Perseverance Personified
Strive image by Robert Balazik from Dreamstime.
The Downside of Comfort
Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Unless you do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.” This week’s video post recaps a brief conversation I had with my youngest son that gave me insight into why it is so hard to move beyond that which we already know — and what we have to lose if we don’t. It’s amazing what you can learn from your kids — and a pair of old, gnarly sneakers. Tweet
Here’s what I said in the video:
My son pulled these [sneakers] out of the trash the other day. He said, “Mom, why did you throw these away, I love these shoes!”
“Really? This is why I threw them away.”
“But Mom they’re so comfortable and I love them and they’re black and they’re great and they’re all worn in.”
“But sweetie, if it rains, your toes are going to get sopped. And you can’t run as fast as you want to in these. And you can’t play kickball without injuring yourself.”
He insisted on wearing them. He dug them out of the trash and put them on one day even after we bought him new shoes.
But you know, I get it — because we all have our habits that are comfortable and easy and familiar. And we want to keep doing them, even when they don’t serve us anymore.
Sometimes comfort keeps you bound. Dare to move beyond it.
For more on moving beyond your comfort zone:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be
Taking Your Leap, Part I & Part II
Bridging the Gap Between No More and Not Yet
From Disaster to Master
Have you ever noticed that some people have a knack for making amazingly difficult feats look easy? Maybe it’s the dancer that seems to merge so completely with the music that it seems to actually come through her. Perhaps it’s the chef that chops and sautés and gently folds ingredients together in such a way that they become an impressive creation of mouth watering art. Maybe it’s the speaker that gets up in front of hundreds or even thousands of people and uses a combination of words and emotion that transcend language and reach right into the hearts of everyone present, leaving each person somehow transformed.
Wouldn’t you love to reach that level of mastery in your own life? I would. I once heard someone say, “Every master was once a disaster.” Over the four plus years that I’ve been learning karate with my kids, I have certainly had my share of embodying the disaster part of that expression. I can also tell you that those who truly pursue mastery — and seem to the rest of us as though they have already arrived — rarely (if ever) use the word “master” to describe themselves.
This week’s video post features a lesson I learned through my experience in the karate dojo that gave me insight into the pursuit of this thing called mastery – that can be applied to everything we do.
Here’s what I said in the video:
[The first part of the above video] was just a small part of a martial arts sequence called Kata. The first time I saw black belts doing that three or four years ago, I thought “there is no way I will ever be able to do anything like that”, but gradually I learned. And I wasn’t able to learn it all at once. I had to start out by learning what a U-block was and how you punch, and how do you do a center knife-hand (which I still need to work on). And then I was taught the sequence — what comes after what.
The first time I did the sequence it did not look like a dance. It did not look like a kata. It looked like a choppy series of techniques that I hadn’t quite mastered yet. I had to think about every single thing I was doing and what came next and whether or not I was doing it right. And I was completely in my head.
Only when I did it enough times, over and over and over again was I able to forget about thinking and trust that my body knew what to do, to lose myself in the drama — and really that’s what the Kata is — a simulated fight against attackers. That is when it really came together for me.
It is so similar to what happens with us whenever we learn something new. We always start off looking a little silly, a little foolish and feeling a little stiff and certainly not smooth or fluid or graceful — and maybe think we’re never going to master it. But over time, the more we practice, the more we build confidence, the more we’re able to trust that we really do know what to do.
Then we’re able to get out of our heads and come from our heart. And that is when our work becomes our art.
For more on mastery:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be
In Search of Greatness: Finding Your Zone
Dancer photo by Alexander Yakovlev from BigstockPhoto.com.
The Downside of Going it Alone
Have you ever come smack up against an old assumption that was just plain wrong? The above video features a story about a painful lesson I learned years ago when I thought I could (and should) do everything on my own. It was probably the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done that didn’t involve falling down or tripping over something.
Here’s what I said in the video:
Years ago I worked at a hospital and I was teaching classes to help clinical professionals work through all the changes they had to make when managed care hit. These people had a lot of change to make. There was a lot emotion involved. They had to completely reinvent the way they saw patients and did all the things that they had done for years. There was a lot of resistance.
And I remember I got this idea that perhaps it would be helpful for them to see how others have worked through this. So I decided I wanted to make a video and I got approval to make a trip to one of the sister hospitals whose staff had already begun making the transition. I managed to find one of the oldest cameras around at the time. It was so huge, that the VCR tape actually fit in it. You can imagine the contraption and all the gear I had to carry.
I finally got to the hospital. We had a conference room arranged. I managed to coordinate and have all these people show up in this one room. I asked them questions that got on tape their reaction and their coping mechanisms and their pain – and the way in which they were able to take something that turned everything they knew on their head and work through it. It was heart rendering. It was moving. It was beautiful.
I singlehandedly worked the camera, I asked the questions, I tried to zoom in on people’s faces when they talked, and I spent a whole day doing this videoing. I came back and I edited it myself. Granted – I knew nothing about filming and editing videos. I had to use the camera in order to do editing, cutting and pasting with my VCR.
When I got back and had my finished product, everybody crowded around and we put the tape in the VCR and hit play. I was just devastated. It was horrible. And I remember watching it and just feeling my heart sink. Because all those stories that almost brought tears to my eyes as I was filming them – the sound quality was so poor, you couldn’t even hear people talking. The camera was shaky. The editing was horrible. And I was just so embarrassed.
That happened years and years ago when I thought I needed to do everything myself and had a lot of fire in my belly, but for whatever reason, I was very resistant to asking for help. And I learned such a valuable lesson from that. What I learned and how I have benefitted from that experience is that I have allowed myself to let go of the things that I thought I needed to do myself and enjoy working with people that have skills that I don’t, who can get almost even more excited about my ideas than I am — and see things that I didn’t see — to make it richer and allow something to be created that is far better than anything my little mind could ever have imagined.
So here’s my question for you, “What great idea are you sitting on, and who do you need on your team to make it happen?”
Picture by Diomedes66 from Dreamstime
Busting Out
The above video is a simulation of a life that many (including myself) have led at one time or another. Trapped. Inhibited. Frustrated. Suffocating. But there is a way out. And each one of us will find it eventually — when we’re ready, willing and have had enough self-imposed anguish.
I believe it will make all the difference in the world.
Here’s what I said in the video…
Wow – I see some amazing possibilities. So many ideas! Oh my gosh. That problem they were talking about – I know how it can be solved. But, what if people laugh at me? Hmmm, and who am I? Who am I to say that and come up with that idea. How can I pull it off?
I’ve seen people go out on a limb before and never come back. I don’t want to be one of them. I can be safe in here though.
But there’s just so much that can be done. If we could just have a meeting and talk about the real issue. If I could just say what I need to say instead of rehashing stuff that we keep meeting about that has no relevance at all!
But what if I make somebody mad? What if I upset my boss? That wouldn’t be good. I think I’ll just stay in here.
It’s getting kind of cramped in this box though. All these ideas – I just keep them in here. I’m running out of room. I’m having trouble breathing. In fact, it’s getting pretty tight in here.
I’ve got to bust out. It couldn’t possibly be worse out there than it is in here. It couldn’t possibly be worse out there than it is in here.
I don’t need this box anymore.
For more on busting out:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be
Taking Your Leap, Part I & Part II
In Search of Greatness: Finding Your Zone
Man in a box image from Dreamstime by Christopher Hall.
A Story About Lightening Up
Ever get to a place where everything feels way too heavy and burdensome? Well I’ve been there too. The above video features a story about a conversation I had with one of my children years ago that never fails to help me get things back into perspective. Scroll down for more resources on lightening up.
Here is what I said in the video:
There was a time in my life a few years ago where I was just CRAZY busy. I’ve always had a unique talent for over-complicating everything — making things WAY harder than they needed to be, and I was doing that a lot. I remember racing to get my kid at daycare and having him be the very last kid to be picked up right around 6:00pm. And he would look up at me like, “Mom, you’re finally here – I didn’t think you were actually going to make it.”
During this particular week, I had a lot of things falling through the cracks. I was behind on some major deadlines, I was not really feeding my family or myself very healthy food. I was just feeling like a lousy mother, a lousy wife, a lousy person in general — like I just couldn’t get things the way I wanted to, which back then was PERFECT. If it wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t good enough.
I remember sitting on the couch with my toddler and he looked up at me and he said, “Mommy can I count on you?” And I thought “Oh my God, my two year old is questioning whether he can count on me! I must really be awful.”
And I looked at him and said, “What did you just say?” He said it again, “Can I count on you?” I replied, “OF COURSE you can count on me!”
And he looked up at me with his sweet little twinkly blue eyes as he raised his fingers to my shoulder to count with them, saying “One, two, three, four…”. I just remember looking down at him thinking “Oh my God!” and couldn’t help laughing. Suddenly everything felt lighter and better.
Now whenever I get in that place where I’m out of my mind overwhelmed – and taking myself WAY too seriously, I remember my sweet little boy at two years old — “one, two, three, four….”
For more on Lightening Up:
Lightening Your Load: Mind Over Matter
Illustration from Dreamstime by Nlizer.
Beyond Boundaries
The above video is about a riddle my young son told me a long time ago that I think about whenever I find myself longing to venture beyond my limitations to explore fresh, new opportunities and unchartered territory. I wonder if he realizes just how much that little story has inspired me. I hope it does the same for you.
Here’s what I said in the video:
One day my son came home with a riddle. He said “Mom, pretend like you’re in a box.” So, I said “okay”, and proceeded to envision walls all around me. Then he challenged, “How do you get out?”
I said, “Well, I punch through it.”
He rolled his eyes and said “No.”
So I guessed again. “I know! I get a box cutter and I slice through the box.”
He took a deep sigh and repeated, “NO.”
And I said “Well, how about if I chew through it?”
He could no longer contain his frustration with me. “Ugh. MOM!”
So I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Okay, how do I do it?” To which he simply replied,
“You just stop pretending!”
We all have our pretend boxes, don’t we.
For more on moving beyond boundaries:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be
Lightening Your Load: Mind Over Matter
Priorities, Productivity and Perspective
Image by Dusan Zidar from Dreamstime.com.
