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Falling Down
Do you find yourself frustrated when you keep trying something over and over again only to feel like you’re getting nowhere? I must confess, I’ve felt that way often. But I had an epiphany one day in yoga class that gave me a whole new perspective. I suddenly realized the one thing that was consistently missing in my many attempts. This week’s video post is about that one thing, which has proven to be valuable not only on my yoga mat, but in the rest of my life as well.
When you’re done watching the video, scroll down for more resources on “falling over”.
Here’s what I said in the video:
I’ve been working on trying to do a handstand for a really long time. And it took me a long time before I would even try. I would see people doing it and think “Wow that’s really cool, but I can’t imagine I would ever be able to do that”. And then gradually, I thought, “You know what? I want to do this. I’m going to try this.”
So, I started off by kicking one foot up and just didn’t get far enough. Kicked another foot up and just wasn’t getting anywhere. And I thought “How do people do this?”
The yoga instructor pulled me aside one day and said, “You know Diane, if you really want to get up there, you have to be not afraid of falling over.” And I thought “Falling over! I don’t want to fall over.” So I took that home and I thought about it and I kept watching people.
And I thought “You know what, so what if I fall over – I know how to fall into a backbend. I’m going to try it, what the heck!”.
So the next time, I kicked up further and higher than I’ve ever kicked up, and guess what – I fell over. Splat, right on my back. Just then, the man sitting next to me on his mat said, “Wow, you’re a risk taker.” And I replied [after thinking about it for a minute] “… yeah, I am.”
Real success is achieved when falling down simply becomes part of the process.
For more on “falling over”:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be 
Let it Rip – Pushing Past Polished (published 8/1/11 on the Women Speakers Association blog)
Bouncing Back: Perseverance Personified
Strive image by Robert Balazik from Dreamstime.
The Downside of Comfort
Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Unless you do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.” This week’s video post recaps a brief conversation I had with my youngest son that gave me insight into why it is so hard to move beyond that which we already know — and what we have to lose if we don’t. It’s amazing what you can learn from your kids — and a pair of old, gnarly sneakers. Tweet
Here’s what I said in the video:
My son pulled these [sneakers] out of the trash the other day. He said, “Mom, why did you throw these away, I love these shoes!”
“Really? This is why I threw them away.”
“But Mom they’re so comfortable and I love them and they’re black and they’re great and they’re all worn in.”
“But sweetie, if it rains, your toes are going to get sopped. And you can’t run as fast as you want to in these. And you can’t play kickball without injuring yourself.”
He insisted on wearing them. He dug them out of the trash and put them on one day even after we bought him new shoes.
But you know, I get it — because we all have our habits that are comfortable and easy and familiar. And we want to keep doing them, even when they don’t serve us anymore.
Sometimes comfort keeps you bound. Dare to move beyond it.
For more on moving beyond your comfort zone:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be
Taking Your Leap, Part I & Part II
Bridging the Gap Between No More and Not Yet
From Disaster to Master
Have you ever noticed that some people have a knack for making amazingly difficult feats look easy? Maybe it’s the dancer that seems to merge so completely with the music that it seems to actually come through her. Perhaps it’s the chef that chops and sautés and gently folds ingredients together in such a way that they become an impressive creation of mouth watering art. Maybe it’s the speaker that gets up in front of hundreds or even thousands of people and uses a combination of words and emotion that transcend language and reach right into the hearts of everyone present, leaving each person somehow transformed.
Wouldn’t you love to reach that level of mastery in your own life? I would. I once heard someone say, “Every master was once a disaster.” Over the four plus years that I’ve been learning karate with my kids, I have certainly had my share of embodying the disaster part of that expression. I can also tell you that those who truly pursue mastery — and seem to the rest of us as though they have already arrived — rarely (if ever) use the word “master” to describe themselves.
This week’s video post features a lesson I learned through my experience in the karate dojo that gave me insight into the pursuit of this thing called mastery – that can be applied to everything we do.
Here’s what I said in the video:
[The first part of the above video] was just a small part of a martial arts sequence called Kata. The first time I saw black belts doing that three or four years ago, I thought “there is no way I will ever be able to do anything like that”, but gradually I learned. And I wasn’t able to learn it all at once. I had to start out by learning what a U-block was and how you punch, and how do you do a center knife-hand (which I still need to work on). And then I was taught the sequence — what comes after what.
The first time I did the sequence it did not look like a dance. It did not look like a kata. It looked like a choppy series of techniques that I hadn’t quite mastered yet. I had to think about every single thing I was doing and what came next and whether or not I was doing it right. And I was completely in my head.
Only when I did it enough times, over and over and over again was I able to forget about thinking and trust that my body knew what to do, to lose myself in the drama — and really that’s what the Kata is — a simulated fight against attackers. That is when it really came together for me.
It is so similar to what happens with us whenever we learn something new. We always start off looking a little silly, a little foolish and feeling a little stiff and certainly not smooth or fluid or graceful — and maybe think we’re never going to master it. But over time, the more we practice, the more we build confidence, the more we’re able to trust that we really do know what to do.
Then we’re able to get out of our heads and come from our heart. And that is when our work becomes our art.
For more on mastery:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be
In Search of Greatness: Finding Your Zone
Dancer photo by Alexander Yakovlev from BigstockPhoto.com.
The Downside of Going it Alone
Have you ever come smack up against an old assumption that was just plain wrong? The above video features a story about a painful lesson I learned years ago when I thought I could (and should) do everything on my own. It was probably the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done that didn’t involve falling down or tripping over something.
Here’s what I said in the video:
Years ago I worked at a hospital and I was teaching classes to help clinical professionals work through all the changes they had to make when managed care hit. These people had a lot of change to make. There was a lot emotion involved. They had to completely reinvent the way they saw patients and did all the things that they had done for years. There was a lot of resistance.
And I remember I got this idea that perhaps it would be helpful for them to see how others have worked through this. So I decided I wanted to make a video and I got approval to make a trip to one of the sister hospitals whose staff had already begun making the transition. I managed to find one of the oldest cameras around at the time. It was so huge, that the VCR tape actually fit in it. You can imagine the contraption and all the gear I had to carry.
I finally got to the hospital. We had a conference room arranged. I managed to coordinate and have all these people show up in this one room. I asked them questions that got on tape their reaction and their coping mechanisms and their pain – and the way in which they were able to take something that turned everything they knew on their head and work through it. It was heart rendering. It was moving. It was beautiful.
I singlehandedly worked the camera, I asked the questions, I tried to zoom in on people’s faces when they talked, and I spent a whole day doing this videoing. I came back and I edited it myself. Granted – I knew nothing about filming and editing videos. I had to use the camera in order to do editing, cutting and pasting with my VCR.
When I got back and had my finished product, everybody crowded around and we put the tape in the VCR and hit play. I was just devastated. It was horrible. And I remember watching it and just feeling my heart sink. Because all those stories that almost brought tears to my eyes as I was filming them – the sound quality was so poor, you couldn’t even hear people talking. The camera was shaky. The editing was horrible. And I was just so embarrassed.
That happened years and years ago when I thought I needed to do everything myself and had a lot of fire in my belly, but for whatever reason, I was very resistant to asking for help. And I learned such a valuable lesson from that. What I learned and how I have benefitted from that experience is that I have allowed myself to let go of the things that I thought I needed to do myself and enjoy working with people that have skills that I don’t, who can get almost even more excited about my ideas than I am — and see things that I didn’t see — to make it richer and allow something to be created that is far better than anything my little mind could ever have imagined.
So here’s my question for you, “What great idea are you sitting on, and who do you need on your team to make it happen?”
Picture by Diomedes66 from Dreamstime
Busting Out
The above video is a simulation of a life that many (including myself) have led at one time or another. Trapped. Inhibited. Frustrated. Suffocating. But there is a way out. And each one of us will find it eventually — when we’re ready, willing and have had enough self-imposed anguish.
I believe it will make all the difference in the world.
Here’s what I said in the video…
Wow – I see some amazing possibilities. So many ideas! Oh my gosh. That problem they were talking about – I know how it can be solved. But, what if people laugh at me? Hmmm, and who am I? Who am I to say that and come up with that idea. How can I pull it off?
I’ve seen people go out on a limb before and never come back. I don’t want to be one of them. I can be safe in here though.
But there’s just so much that can be done. If we could just have a meeting and talk about the real issue. If I could just say what I need to say instead of rehashing stuff that we keep meeting about that has no relevance at all!
But what if I make somebody mad? What if I upset my boss? That wouldn’t be good. I think I’ll just stay in here.
It’s getting kind of cramped in this box though. All these ideas – I just keep them in here. I’m running out of room. I’m having trouble breathing. In fact, it’s getting pretty tight in here.
I’ve got to bust out. It couldn’t possibly be worse out there than it is in here. It couldn’t possibly be worse out there than it is in here.
I don’t need this box anymore.
For more on busting out:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be
Taking Your Leap, Part I & Part II
In Search of Greatness: Finding Your Zone
Man in a box image from Dreamstime by Christopher Hall.
A Story About Lightening Up
Ever get to a place where everything feels way too heavy and burdensome? Well I’ve been there too. The above video features a story about a conversation I had with one of my children years ago that never fails to help me get things back into perspective. Scroll down for more resources on lightening up.
Here is what I said in the video:
There was a time in my life a few years ago where I was just CRAZY busy. I’ve always had a unique talent for over-complicating everything — making things WAY harder than they needed to be, and I was doing that a lot. I remember racing to get my kid at daycare and having him be the very last kid to be picked up right around 6:00pm. And he would look up at me like, “Mom, you’re finally here – I didn’t think you were actually going to make it.”
During this particular week, I had a lot of things falling through the cracks. I was behind on some major deadlines, I was not really feeding my family or myself very healthy food. I was just feeling like a lousy mother, a lousy wife, a lousy person in general — like I just couldn’t get things the way I wanted to, which back then was PERFECT. If it wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t good enough.
I remember sitting on the couch with my toddler and he looked up at me and he said, “Mommy can I count on you?” And I thought “Oh my God, my two year old is questioning whether he can count on me! I must really be awful.”
And I looked at him and said, “What did you just say?” He said it again, “Can I count on you?” I replied, “OF COURSE you can count on me!”
And he looked up at me with his sweet little twinkly blue eyes as he raised his fingers to my shoulder to count with them, saying “One, two, three, four…”. I just remember looking down at him thinking “Oh my God!” and couldn’t help laughing. Suddenly everything felt lighter and better.
Now whenever I get in that place where I’m out of my mind overwhelmed – and taking myself WAY too seriously, I remember my sweet little boy at two years old — “one, two, three, four….”
For more on Lightening Up:
Lightening Your Load: Mind Over Matter
Illustration from Dreamstime by Nlizer.
Beyond Boundaries
The above video is about a riddle my young son told me a long time ago that I think about whenever I find myself longing to venture beyond my limitations to explore fresh, new opportunities and unchartered territory. I wonder if he realizes just how much that little story has inspired me. I hope it does the same for you.
Here’s what I said in the video:
One day my son came home with a riddle. He said “Mom, pretend like you’re in a box.” So, I said “okay”, and proceeded to envision walls all around me. Then he challenged, “How do you get out?”
I said, “Well, I punch through it.”
He rolled his eyes and said “No.”
So I guessed again. “I know! I get a box cutter and I slice through the box.”
He took a deep sigh and repeated, “NO.”
And I said “Well, how about if I chew through it?”
He could no longer contain his frustration with me. “Ugh. MOM!”
So I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Okay, how do I do it?” To which he simply replied,
“You just stop pretending!”
We all have our pretend boxes, don’t we.
For more on moving beyond boundaries:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be
Lightening Your Load: Mind Over Matter
Priorities, Productivity and Perspective
Image by Dusan Zidar from Dreamstime.com.
My Most Embarrassing Moment
This week’s blog post, My Most Embarrassing Moment, features a video about one of those experiences I’d rather not repeat and why the most powerful lesson from it didn’t come to me until years later. Below I’ve expanded a bit on the key messages.
One of my most embarrassing moments happened while running on a treadmill at a gym. When I went to fix my hair, my foot hit the part of the treadmill that wasn’t moving and I lost my balance. I hit the belt, which was still moving and was catapulted into the middle of the room where other people were working out. Whether it actually happened or not, it felt as though the room went silent and all eyes were on me.
I’m pretty sure I was bleeding. Though I was bruised and in a lot of pain, it didn’t come close to the humiliation and embarrassment I was experiencing. I smiled and nodded as people asked me if I was okay, pulled myself up and somehow hobbled out of there. To this day, I really don’t like to run on treadmills and tend to avoid them.
The lesson I took from that experience is that treadmills would hurt me. But there was a far more powerful lesson that I initially missed. When I fell, I wasn’t in the moment. My head was somewhere else. I wasn’t conscious or balanced and as a result, bad things happened. My belief that treadmills will hurt me and I need to stay away from them is an assumption. A faulty assumption.
In my new book, The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be, I drew an analogy of assumptions like these to the strings that keep Pinocchio from realizing his dream of becoming real and doing what he really wanted to do. My assumption that I need to stay away from treadmills is keeping me from what could otherwise be a very enjoyable experience, particularly if I don’t have the luxury of running outside. I’ve written a whole chapter about how our assumptions keep us from doing the things we really want to do in our lives and how we can dismantle these strings so that we can live and lead in new, powerful ways.
What’s your treadmill story? Maybe it is something you tried that didn’t go very well and led you to rule out the whole experience and figure you were no good at it. Maybe your story is about a person that reminds you of someone from your past with whom you didn’t have a good experience. In either case, chances are you’re believing things that are not necessarily true and keeping you from something that could be really great.
What would you need to do to be free of that?
Click here if you’d like to order a copy of The Pinocchio Principle, or go to www.PinocchioPrinciple.com for more information.
Become a subscriber at www.DianeBolden.com and receive my free report: Ten Traps Leaders Unwittingly Set for Themselves…and How to Avoid Them.
Though comments are currently closed, please feel free to email me at Diane@DianeBolden.com with your feedback, questions and thoughts. Have a specific challenge you’d like to see a post written about? Let me know. I’d love to hear from you!
Why I Wrote “The Pinocchio Principle”
This video is about what led me to write The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be. If you cannot see it on the page, click here to view it. Below I have expanded on the key messages. I hope you enjoy it!
What I really love about coaching is that it is not about telling people what to do or giving them answers. The beauty and the magic that happens with coaching is that the client gets connected with something inside of them that has all the answers they need. It is their inner wisdom – their creativity, ingenuity and resilience. It is also the seed that contains within it their unique talent, style, energy and passion. And it is amazing to see it come out.
I seek to do this for myself. I want to instill it in my kids. If I could give anything to the world, it would be to show people how to connect to the core of their true selves and to have the courage to bring that to whatever they are doing. I spend a lot of time reflecting on what I can do to get clearer on the process – and what I might be able to write about that could tell the story. One day when I was journaling, Pinocchio popped into my writing.
Pinocchio is a universal story – he is an archetype that mirrors so much of what is happening in our lives right now. Most people think of him as the guy whose nose grew when he lied. But Pinocchio is a story of a puppet that longed to be real. He wanted to transcend that stiff, hollow wooden frame and do things in the world that he couldn’t do as a puppet.
So many of us are at a place where we are ready to go beyond the boundaries we have previously set for ourselves – to dig deeper, dream bigger, and fly higher. We long to shed the strings that keep us tied to illusions that are simply not true – about what we need to do or be to enjoy success, and the limits that we think will keep us from achieving it. Like Pinocchio, so many of us long to be REAL – who we really are beyond the constraints that keep us bound.
What I love about Pinocchio is that he messed up. He told lies and then he recognized the consequences. He landed himself in a cage. He succumbed to temptation. He had misstep after misstep. And yet what the Blue Fairy told him was that to become REAL, he would need to prove himself brave, truthful and unselfish. And I think the same thing is true for all of us. Our journeys will be full of obstacles as well – and there will be times of frustration, anxiety and stress. The experiences we have will activate the courage we have within to be true to ourselves and others and of service in the world, just as Pinocchio’s experiences did for him.
That’s why I wrote The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be. It’s really a road map to help each of us take whatever experience we are having right now and utilize it as a window into ourselves that allows us to tap into whatever we need to rise above any situation that we find ourselves in. My hope is that it will help you navigate the perils and possibilities of your own personal odyssey so that you can unearth your greatness and bring it into the world in such a way that it blesses your own life as well as that of others. As you do this for yourself, you will inspire others to do the same – which I believe is the mark of a true leader – regardless of your vocation, title or role.
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be will be released on 1/11/11 and is now available for preorder at www.PinocchioPrinciple.com. I will also be working with a small group of eight people to lead them through this process (based on the book) as well. A few spots still remain. We’ll meet at my office in Phoenix every other Thursday from 11:30am to 1:00pm from 1/13/11 through 6/16/11. For more information or to register, go to www.DianeBolden.com/AIAL.html. The cost is $900 ($75 a session) and payment plans are available.
Become a subscriber at www.DianeBolden.com and receive my free report: Ten Traps Leaders Unwittingly Set for Themselves…and How to Avoid Them.
Though comments are currently closed, please feel free to email me at Diane@DianeBolden.com with your feedback, questions and thoughts. Have a specific challenge you’d like to see a post written about? Let me know. I’d love to hear from you!
Paths to Proficiency
“Every master was once a disaster.”
I heard someone say that the other day in a yoga class. It gave me comfort. Because I am all too familiar with that awkward, humbling stage that comes with learning something new – when you want to run with the stallions but feel more like a donkey. It’s a universal phenomenon, really. Ralph Waldo Emerson reminds us that “Every artist was once an amateur.”
We can all learn a lot about our paths to proficiency by looking at the ways in which we have mastered things over the course of our lives – whether it be how to drive a car, play our favorite sport, or take up a new hobby. Today, as I was finishing my yoga class, I realized how my experiences on my yoga mat mirror those in my life – and how I can transfer my learnings from one arena to the other. For what it’s worth, I thought I’d share a few of my insights.
(1) There is power in persistent practice. Every once in awhile a yoga instructor demonstrates a pose that evokes a “you’ve got to be kidding” response from me. I always give it a try, and usually the first time I do I look a lot like I feel – completely inept. There is one pose that I have recently dreaded and just about every time I’ve gone to yoga for the last few weeks, this instructor builds it into the class. Ugh. Not again. But I muster up my strength and give it a shot every time, and I have to say it gradually has become less and less onerous to me. This morning I was actually able to hold the pose – it was only for a few seconds – but I did it! And I realize the more I practice, the better I will get at that and the easier and more fun it will become.
Isn’t that like life, though? Every day there are things you can sail through and then there will be those areas that require a lot of hard work, practice and patience before you can feel even the least bit effective. But if you keep at it, one day you will surprise yourself with how far you have come. And everything that led up to that point will be worth it.
(2) Learn from and admire others, but don’t compare yourself to them. Sometimes this is a thin line. As a novice, you need to watch people perform so that you can see how things are done. And even as you get pretty good, you can still learn a lot from others’ examples. But the minute you begin to compare yourself, you will lose your focus and dilute your effectiveness. This is true regardless of whether comparing yourself to others makes you feel inferior or superior. Let me explain.
In yoga, when I watch someone do something to get the proper technique and admire their grace, I can pick up a few tips and then concentrate on getting into my zone so I can do what I need to in the way I need to do it. But the minute I look over at the person next to me to see if I’m doing better or worse, I lose my balance and fall down. I have learned that the same thing holds true in my personal and professional life as well.
When we gauge how well we are doing by comparing ourselves to others, the energy and focus that is required to perform effectively becomes scattered. When you believe you are not measuring up, the confidence that is vital to your success gets sapped. And if you do not believe you can do something, you will inevitably prove yourself right. On the other end of the spectrum, when you believe you are outperforming others and become a little too smug, your confidence can turn into arrogance which shifts your focus from what you are doing to how others are perceiving you. And anything that is more focused on appearances than substance lacks foundation and eventually crumbles.
The best of the best gain their confidence from within – as a product of their effort, focus, and the results that come with effort and focus. They don’t need to compare themselves to other to know that they are good – or to know that they can get even better.
(3) Lighten up and have some fun. In yoga, the instructors are quick to remind people that falling over is par for the course and that the important thing is to just keep on trying – and to play at it. The people in those classes who seem so good at yoga that they could be teaching the class themselves are the first to tell you about how many times they fell over or how long it took them to get to where they are. And they will also tell you that they still fall occasionally. Why? Because once you master something in yoga, there is always a way to deepen the pose or increase the level of difficulty. But when you challenge your balance and fall out of it, you learn what you need to do to stay in it longer next time. That’s how mastery happens.
The same thing is true in life. When we get all balled up in knots trying to make things perfect and avoiding every possible misstep, we risk becoming stagnant and playing small. Getting too attached to the results leads us to stiffen up and become consumed with needing things to happen in the exact way we want them to. Without flexibility, we lose our ability to bend and make the necessary course corrections that allow us to ultimately excel. If you ever look at the top performers in any industry, sport, or artistic endeavor you will notice that accompanying their intensity is an ability to relax into their game in such a way that it appears easy and natural. The ability to play at work is another mark of the master.
(4) Replenish yourself regularly. My favorite part of yoga is the last five minutes of each class. They call it Shivasana. It’s where the previous fifty to eighty minutes of stretching, strengthening and balancing give way to lying flat on your back relaxing every muscle of your body. It is in these last few moments of the class, the instructors will tell you, that all the benefits of the practice take root. In these moments, the mind becomes clear, and stress and tension melt away. The end result is a feeling of freshness and revitalized energy that lasts throughout the day.
In our frenetic lives, it is easy to forget about the importance of pausing every once in awhile to make the most of our experiences – whether by giving ourselves a needed break, or simply taking a moment to assess where we are going, to what degree we are still on course, and what, if any, course corrections are necessary. Being willing to invest our precious time into replenishing ourselves in this way pays handsome dividends – and sometimes the times we think we can’t afford to slow down are in fact the times we cannot afford not to.
My new book, The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be is about getting back to the basics of who you really are, what you are here to accomplish, and how you can unearth your greatness in a way that inspires others to do the same. It is now available on Amazon.
Picture by Vvvstep from Dreamstime.com.
