Gripped by Fear, Anger or Frustration? Get Back into Your Right Mind

 

We’ve all been there… someone says or does something that triggers you – or things take an unexpected turn for the worse and you can’t help but react. Your heart begins to beat wildly, your breathing gets shallow and choppy, and your body tenses up.

It’s called an amygdala hijack. And it literally disables your rational mind – the part of you that makes decisions, controls your reactions, and allows you to problem solve.

Though the physiological symptoms may only last for seconds or minutes, your ability to think clearly may be reduced for hours. And the thoughts and actions you’re likely to take in its grip could prolong a state of fear, anger or frustration for hours, days and even weeks.

This is because the aperture of your lens becomes so narrow that you’ll only perceive a small fraction of the entire picture. In this state, you’re likely to…

…put your attention on what is wrong, rather than what is right.

…spend more time and energy on describing, complaining about, and magnifying the problem than finding the solution.

…be more concerned with what you can get rather than what you can give.

…focus more on what’s out of your control than on what you can influence.

…feel helpless rather than hopeful – and act in ways that lead others to feel that way too.

But each of us has the power to turn that around.  And doing so is an act of leadership – regardless of your job title, industry or profession. Here are three simple steps you can take:

1) Take some deep breaths.Get oxygen flowing back into your cells. Remember that inspiration is the act of drawing in not only air but also new and creative ideas.

2) Ask yourself a question that moves your neural activity back to your prefrontal cortex, the part that allows you to think deeply and make good decisions. A question like, “What do I really want?” or “What could I do to make things better?” will help you get back on the right track.

3) Choose curiosity over judgment. While judgment narrows your aperture and keeps you in a fixed position, curiosity opens it and allows you to get unstuck.  Your lens zooms OUT rather than IN, allowing you to see possibilities and solutions that can move you forward.

4) Notice anything you may be thinking that could be shutting you down or causing more stress – and challenge it.  Ask yourself, “Is it really true?”.  Rather than paying attention to what your eyes are showing you, get curious and ask, “What am I NOT seeing?”

As you take these steps, you’ll become more connected with the wiser, calmer part of yourself that can rise to your challenges with courage and grace. And you’ll hold space for others to do the same.

The Fallacy of Failure… and How to Rise Above It

“What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?”

~ Robert H. Schuller

It’s easy to think of shooting for the moon when the idea of crashing to the ground doesn’t enter the picture. We can dream and scheme all we want, but to make our dreams real, we must act. And when we do, the idea of failure has a way of creeping in despite our best attempts to move forward.

Failure means different things to different people. But what’s most debilitating about the idea of it is having to experience or endure some kind of pain – pain of rejection, embarrassment, loss, financial ruin – not to mention its actual physical variations.

The interesting thing about pain is that, thankfully, it is usually finite. It comes and it goes. And while we don’t always have control over whether we experience it, we do seem to play a part in how long it lasts and how uncomfortable it gets.

As a kid, getting immunizations was terrifying. I remember how worked up I would get before the needle even came close to my skin. And I watched my kids do the same thing –screaming or wailing before contact was ever actually made.  But a few seconds later, the injections were completed before they even realized it.

They got off the exam table and immediately went onto other things – except when one of them, in need of a little more sympathy deliberately focused on the blood on the bandage – making the experience into something far more painful than it needed to be.

I think we do the same thing when we contemplate the pain that accompanies what we believe would be “failure”. Our minds have a way of making it far more ominous than it ever is in reality. And if we happen to find ourselves experiencing it, we can also fall into the trap of unwittingly making it more uncomfortable than it needs to be.

But we can also exercise resilience and determination in our ability to bounce back and focus on something that will allow us to move forward despite an otherwise unpleasant experience.

Because what it really comes down to is what your experiences – regardless of the way they turn out – have given you, rather than cost you. People who have accomplished extraordinary things in the world are the first to tell you that what many refer to as “failure” has plagued them time after time.  And many will tell you those experiences were prerequisites for their success.

What differentiates them from those who allowed “failure” to defeat them is that they picked themselves up, figured out what they could learn, and moved forward armed with a new awareness, a new understanding, and a renewed commitment to their greatest dreams and visions.

What great thing can YOU achieve today, knowing that you simply cannot fail?

But what if you could?

 

Do you remember what it was like to be unconstrained by the world’s limitations?

Maybe you were a young child, wanting to fly to the moon or discover buried treasure. How long was it before the people around you compelled you to be more “practical and realistic”?

They didn’t mean any harm.  In fact, those people likely had your best interests in mind.  They wanted to help you learn the rules for engagement in a world of challenges and limitations – to keep you from experiencing pain and disappointment.

Chances are you do that for your own young children.  I know I did.

But over time, the rules for engagement can become more constraining than they are empowering.  Especially when those rules don’t really apply the way they used to.

Have you noticed that many of the old, ingrained ways of getting things done and achieving success are no longer effective, or even relevant?

We are all experiencing it – on both an individual and a collective level, in our homes, our communities and our organizations.  And we need to find a better way of dealing with these emerging challenges and opportunities.  To do that, we must transcend old, well-worn, even tried and true methods that just aren’t working anymore.

The time has come for us to access the creativity, ingenuity, curiosity, and wonder of that little kid that knew no limits and had the willingness and determination to blaze a new trail.

As trees and flowers all around us burst into bloom with the emergence of spring, we can allow creative energy and inspiration to move through us as well.

In nature and in our own lives, the old must give way to the new. Trees lose their leaves and flowers and plants that have been pruned proliferate with an energy and vitality that wouldn’t have otherwise been possible.

What old beliefs and assumptions in your life and leadership need to give way to what is blooming within you?

The next time your great idea or inspiration is met with inner skepticism or restraint, notice what you are believing and ask yourself if it’s really true. Stay with it and see if you can find a way around the things that would otherwise stop you in your tracks.

We are all the pioneers and architects of our own lives and now is the time to go beyond what we previously thought was possible and do the things we’ve been capable of all along.

“Nothing else in the world…not all the armies…is so powerful as an idea whose time has come.”- Victor Hugo,

Here’s to your success!

 

You’ve created a compelling vision. Now what?

 

You’ve created a compelling vision. Now what?

Vision provides the guiding principle around which actions organize themselves. It makes the act of planning much more organic and natural. You can start by asking yourself a few simple questions:

• What major milestones would I need to accomplish to make my vision a reality?
• What steps would I need to take to achieve each of these milestones?
• What actions or habits could I institute to enhance or speed my progress?
• What would I need to learn that I don’t already know, and how could I gain that knowledge?
• What, if anything, do I need to stop doing that could impede or derail my progress?

The answers to these questions may come like a downpour in a brainstorming session. They could also continue to drop in and reveal themselves slowly, over time. Your ability to receive and discern these answers will be greatly enhanced when you create space to receive ongoing insight.

Often, we’re so busy moving from one thing to the next and preoccupied by thought that we fail to notice critical pieces of information, creative ideas and solutions that land softly in the corners of our minds. The noise in our heads has a way of drowning them out and the multitude of things in our line of sight obstructs our view.

There will never be a shortage of things competing for your attention. Just as you need not answer the phone every time it rings, you also do not need to allow your attention to be hijacked by everything that demands it. Instead, you can be intentional about what you allow to occupy your mind and consume your vital energy.

Creating space happens on both the physical and mental realms. Physical space is created when you block time on your calendar to work toward your vision and treat it with the same regard you would time with a client. Mental space is created when you refuse to engage with thoughts that are bringing you down or clouding your optimism.

It’s easy to believe that to make progress, you must quell your anxiety, overcome your resistance and turn negativity into positivity. But as I teach in “The Pinocchio Principle Unleashed: The Real Leader’s Guide to Accessing the Freedom & Flow of Your Authentic Genius”, when your thinking is in a low state, no amount of additional thinking will help. It only adds to the problem and blocks your innate creativity, ingenuity and resilience.

You don’t have to feel well to perform well.

Thoughts come and go. When you resist the temptation to engage with thoughts that bring you down, they eventually pass in the same way water becomes clear when it settles. Sometimes the very act of doing things without thinking too much about them brings new insights and leads you to do the very thing you worried you couldn’t – much more proficiently than you ever imagined.

So, hold your vision close, ask yourself powerful questions, and create the space to receive your answers.

Here’s to making your vision a reality!

You Don’t Need to Have It All Figured Out to Live Your Dream

 

Are you dreaming big enough? If so, you may often feel overwhelmed by the seeming magnitude of what lies before you.

As we entertain dreams, visions, and goals that seem so immense that they become intimidating, we must not be daunted by the seeming length or difficulty of the journey ahead. I was reminded of this years ago while snow skiing. After an hour or so, the years that had passed since my last skiing expedition no longer seemed important and my adventurous side led me to a very difficult black run, full of moguls and steep angles.

Once I started down the run, I realized I was in way over my head. At that moment the temperature dropped suddenly and a fog rolled in that was so thick that I could not see more than three feet ahead of me. I began to panic. I wanted more than ever to get to the bottom of the slope and became more fixated on having the run behind me than on the thrill of the experience itself.

As soon as my attention and focus left the snow in front of me and went to the bottom of the steep slope, I lost control and came crashing to the ground, losing my skis and feeling the slap of the hard cold ground beneath me. I somehow managed to get up and put my skis back on, but before long my focus would shift and the same thing would happen again.

It was only when I resigned myself to pay attention to what was right in front of me that my body knew how to navigate each mogul. When I let go of needing to know exactly how I would get down that mountain and trust that I could make it a few feet at a time, I had everything I needed to succeed.

I think that’s how life is too.

When you feel dismayed at not having everything figured out right off the bat, you can ask yourself what you can do right now that will lead you closer to your goals. And you can trust that you will be given exactly what you need to continue your journey right when you need it. Sometimes conditions are not right to proceed full speed ahead, and circumstances take a frustrating turn.

Often the skills you need can only be developed through a series of challenges that require you to move beyond your comfort zone. You may see these events as setbacks and annoying deviations without realizing their perfect place in a larger plan that has much greater implications than what you originally envisioned.

Perhaps the whispers of our heart and the calls to greatness that we feel within our souls are essential components of a larger, collective plan that we each play a vital part in. As we rise up to play these parts fully and wholeheartedly, we can revel in the beauty of its mysterious unfolding.

In the process, we will discover ourselves to be greater than we thought we were and use each moment of our lives to create something extraordinary for ourselves and others.

Ringing in the New Year: Why Looking Back is as Vital as Looking Ahead

 

There is something magical about being at the threshold of a new year.

It’s like climbing to the top of a long staircase to find yourself on a landing, standing before a large glimmering door just waiting to be opened. As you look down, you realize how far you have climbed to get here. Yet, you cannot help but wonder what lies behind the door.

Often, we underestimate the amount of growth we have achieved.

It’s important to take some time to reflect on the unique combination of experiences that have led to both successes and disappointments and the learnings that have accompanied them. Doing so cultivates insight that helps you know what to do in the future.

I often work with people who feel ready for a change but aren’t sure what that change should be. They aren’t necessarily miserable in their jobs or other areas of their lives – they just long for something that will fill them up in ways they haven’t been fulfilled in the past.

When I coach people who feel this way, they sometimes want me to tell them what the next best step is – to give them the answer or a step-by-step process that will lead them to find what they seek. Of course, no person has these answers for another. Our greatest challenge and opportunity is to find them for ourselves.

Each of our lives has a story with perfect order and meaning.

As in a novel or screenplay, each character has a unique relationship to the main character, and every scene has some relevance to his growth and evolution. There will be victories and disappointments as well as twists and turns.

We will have occasion to laugh, cry, and experience a myriad of other emotions that are somewhere in between. And as a result of this perfect combination of events and mini-plots, we discover ourselves to be better people.

When reading a book or watching a movie, the perfect order is often easier to see than it is for the characters enmeshed in the stories we are watching. Yet, the mystery and intrigue, the humor over each misstep, and the courage we see the characters exude to find their way give substance to the story and allow us to leave the book or the theatre feeling moved or inspired in some way.

As you reflect on 2024, can you identify your story’s most pivotal turns? What did you learn from them? Think about your character sketch. What are the endearing qualities you have that make you unique and special? How can you leverage them to build on the previous events to create a story worth telling?

Think also about the people that surround you. In what ways are they helping you grow? What are they teaching you about yourself – whether in joyful or painful ways? And what qualities do they possess that are similar to and different from yours? How do you complement each other, and what might it be that you can create together?

You now sit at the threshold of another chapter in your story.

Contemplate what you have already experienced and ask yourself how you might build upon it to add a bit of intrigue and adventure. Identify the ways that you could add a little lightness and humor. Think about the interplay between the characters and how you could spice things up a little.

We have each been given the makings of a beautiful tale. Open your eyes and survey them the way you would the perfectly planned detail of your favorite movie or novel. Give yourself completely to the adventure, the possibilities, and the humor in your life.

Then find a way to revel in the joy of living it.

Here’s to a bright, beautiful New Year!

 

For more on reveling in the adventure that is your life, check out The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming a Real Leader, available in both paperback and Kindle formats.

How to Keep Your Dream Alive (despite doubt, hesitation and other obstacles)

 

Do you have a vision you aspire to make real? No matter what the day/week/month brings… hold strong and continue to breathe life into it. And don’t let your doubt or hesitation steal its fire.

As children, most of us received mixed messages. You may have been encouraged to follow your heart and give life to your dreams in addition to being conditioned to be practical, hedge your bets, and take the safest route. Over time, many of us have allowed the roar of public opinion – that often tells us our dreams are frivolous, selfish, and unlikely to come to fruition – to silence that small still voice within.

But those among us who have risen against their odds have learned to reverse that process and believe in themselves and their dreams despite the overwhelming evidence around them that would suggest that success is improbable.

“If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lost that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all.

And so today I still have a dream.”

~ Martin Luther King

The beginning of each year brings with it the question of what you will focus your time, energy, and resources on accomplishing. It is an optimal time to reacquaint yourself with your dreams and visions, your purpose and values, and the question of how you can become a living example of that which you most admire.

You may be quite sure of what it is you would like to create, do, have, or become. Or perhaps you have only small pieces of a bigger puzzle that has not yet come together.

We all have different talents and strengths, diverse styles and passions – along with a unique combination of experiences (for better or worse) that allows us to discover and apply them to create something bigger than ourselves. You may not know exactly what form it will take, but if you pay attention to the whispers and yearnings of your heart, you’ll begin to make out the shape of something that beckons to you.

The power of your dream will be bolstered by the degree to which your vision expands beyond your own interests to those of others around you. Spend some time contemplating where you feel most drawn and why.

When you land on something that will allow your gifts to align with those of others to accomplish complementary goals, you’ll join forces with something much greater than yourself. It will lift you up when your energy is low and sustain you through moments of doubt and fear.

If you’d like some support in learning how you can leverage your unique style to best connect and collaborate with others to make your vision real, take advantage of a special Happy New Year offer.

For a limited time when you enroll in the Leverage Your Style Behavioral Style Self Study, you’ll have complimentary access to Navigating Change, Challenge & Uncertainty: How to Unleash Extraordinary Performance in Unchartered Territory. Go to www.MeetChangeWithStyle.com for more information (including the curriculum for each course) and to enroll.

You’ll also receive a research-backed, highly validated Target Training International assessment that’ll provide you with a comprehensive 20+ page report about your specific style, including your strengths and areas of opportunity.

Here’s to the power of YOUR dream!

Maximize the Possibility of the New Year (and minimize potential pitfalls)

 

The beginning of each year invites us to consider how we can dig deeper, reach higher, and unleash more potential in ourselves and those we lead.  It begs the question…

How can you maximize the possibility of the New Year… while working through the change, challenge, and uncertainty it brings?

Making the most of what’s possible begins with self-awareness.  Since we all approach opportunities and challenges differently, what is natural for one person may not work for another.

But with an understanding of how to leverage your strengths and sidestep your pitfalls, you can find and execute your own winning strategy.  You’ll minimize the time it takes you to get things done and maximize your effectiveness in getting results.

And if you can couple that self-awareness with an understanding of how to best work with the unique style of others, you’ll find and leverage opportunities to better collaborate with others and influence them to be a part of what you are creating.

When you blend that with an ability to navigate change with ease and grace, you’ll expand your horizons, your reach, and your impact.

For a limited time, you can take advantage of two courses designed to help you do just that – for the price of one…

When you enroll in the Leveraging Your Style DISC Behavioral Style Self-Study (which includes a comprehensive, research-backed TTI assessment), you’ll receive complimentary access to Navigating Change, Challenge & Uncertainty: How to Unleash Unprecedented Performance in Unchartered Territory.  You’ll also have an opportunity to enhance your experience with a one-on-one coaching session with me at a special rate.

Go to MeetChangeWithStyle.com for more information and to view the details of each course, including the curriculum.

Take advantage of this exclusive opportunity to leverage your unique style to open new doors for yourself and those you lead. 

Change is inevitable.  But when nothing is certain, anything is possible.

Here’s to making 2024 your best year yet!

Diane

P.S.  This course combination is also available to bring in-house to your organization. Email Support@DianeBolden.com for more information.

 

 

It’s Not What You Do – It’s the Way that You Do It…

 

Ahh December.  Twinkle lights on trees and rooftops, the smell of wood burning in fireplaces, a refreshing chill in the air…  and of course, a whole slew of things to do that can tip the scales for people who were already feeling overwhelmed with work (and maybe even life itself).

How You Do Things is as Important as What You Do (…maybe even more so)

It’s tempting to approach all those things the way you do items on a checklist – just power through them in the most efficient way possible.  The risk of that, however, is that you’ll relegate yourself to a kind of “autopilot” state, where you’re going through the motions with your head and your hands but not really your heart.

And when that happens, the things you do can feel empty – for yourself and others too.

Never Underestimate the Power of Presence

I’m convinced that when people receive what we give them, they experience the energy we put into it.  You’ve probably had someone tell you to have a good day while looking at their phone or multi-tasking.  It just doesn’t have the same impact as it does when they look you in the eye and are truly with you, sharing a feeling and not just words that sound good.

The end of the year brings into focus what really matters in our lives.

November leads us to think about what we are grateful for.  December allows us to spend time with those we love, both giving and receiving in ways that create and perpetuate joy.  And as we move closer to January, we do well to reflect on what we most want to experience, accomplish, or become in the new year.

It’s a time that calls us to be present – and to pour our very selves into what matters most.

Honor What’s Most Important

You may not be able to DO everything on your list (most of us never really can).  Instead, take some time to identify what is really important to you.

What are the things you care so much about that it’s worth slowing down to pour enough of yourself into them that people are moved by the experience?  Those things you give yourself to wholeheartedly will be the game changers in both your personal and your professional life.

So be intentional.  Start now.  Today. 

What matters most to you?  And how can you be completely present and intentional in a way that allows others to truly experience the magnitude of what you have to offer?

Because when you do, what you give to others will enrich your own life as much as it does theirs.

 

What if You Could Transform Conflict Into Collaboration?

 

We’ve all been there – something happens that pushes your buttons, and frustration begins to seep in.  You might tell yourself a story about why the other person is acting in ways that seem intentionally insensitive or disrespectful.  And that story will likely put fuel on your fire.  Worse yet, believing your story could lead you to act in ways that create combustion.

And before you know it, you’re in a full-blown conflict.

This week’s article, A Matter of Style – How to Turn Conflict into Collaboration, just published in Brainz Magazine, will help you to prevent this kind of conflict from emerging.  You’ll learn five specific tips to transform situations wrought with frustration into opportunities for creating cooperation and synergy.

And if you’re interested in learning more about how to best connect, communicate and collaborate with others, go to LearnYourStyle.com to take a two-minute quiz that’ll determine what is likely your most dominant behavioral style.   Along with your results, I’ll send you information about your unique style and tips on how you can leverage it to maximize your effectiveness, influence, and impact.

Here’s to making the best of situations that may otherwise bring out the worst!

Diane

P.S. – Did you catch last week’s Doodly video on how to better understand and work with people’s differing styles?  If not, you can watch it here.