Don’t Sell Yourself Out

The story of the Chinese bamboo tree that I wrote about in my last post is one of patience, perseverance and faith.  I was moved when I heard it and eager to share with others who would also appreciate and enjoy it.  Upon sharing the story with one of my dear friends, she relayed an equally inspiring tale to me.  And two weeks later, out of the blue another of my close friends said there was a story she just had to tell me.  To my amazement, it was the very same one my first friend shared.

I believe it is no accident when you encounter something numerous times – especially when it has meaning for you.  And that is why I want to pass along to you the story I was told.

In the far east, there lived a boy named Ling who loved to garden.  His “green thumb” led him to surround himself with plants that he lovingly tended to and enjoyed.  One day, he heard that the emperor, who had no sons of his own, was seeking a successor and had asked for all the boys of the village to gather in his courtyard.  Ling’s mother encouraged him to attend.

The emperor addressed the young boys, giving each of them a seed.  He instructed them all to plant the seeds and return to his palace in a year with what they had grown from this seed.  He explained he would judge their results and proceed to pick the next emperor.

Ling took his seed home and potted it.  He proceeded to nurture and care for it with as much love as he did all his other plants, tending to it daily.  After about three weeks, the other boys began talking about their seeds and the sprouts that had begun to grow.  Ling’s pot remained empty.  He gave it extra care and nutrients and spent even more time with it.  After a few more weeks, he moved it to a sunnier area, and then a few weeks after that back out of the direct sun.  Still nothing.

Months went by with still no growth and the other boys began to mock Ling and laugh at him.  Some felt sorry for him.  Ling was frustrated and confused.  He knew how to care for plants.  He had done everything he could.  And still, nothing had happened with his seed.  Soon the year was up and it was time for the boys to reconvene to the palace courtyard.

As Ling approached the courtyard, he couldn’t believe the greenery he saw around him.  Boys on all sides of him carried in lush, vibrant plants – some of them flowering, others with long beautiful vines.  Hiding in the shadows at the back of the gathering, he clutched his empty pot and felt shame wash over him.

Soon the emperor appeared.  He surveyed the boys and their pots, smiling and admiring the prolific green leaves.  When his eyes caught sight of Ling and his empty pot, the emperor ordered his guards to bring the boy to the front of the gathering.  The others began to point at him and laugh.  Ling was terrified.

The emperor silenced the room and asked the young boy his name.  Ling replied, feeling his face flush with warmth.  He felt like a failure and feared that the emperor might have him executed.  But to his great surprise, the emperor took hold of his hand and raising it up announced, “Behold your new emperor.  His name is Ling.”  He went on to explain that all the seeds he had given the boys had been boiled and as such were incapable of producing any of the trees, plants and flowers that the other boys brought with them.

When I first heard this story, I thought it was simply about honesty.  Ling was rewarded because he was the only one who had the courage to be honest.  This is a great message in and of itself, but after hearing the story a second time and reflecting on it later, I began to realize that there is much more to this story than the importance of honesty.

This story speaks to the fear within all of us that what we have is not enough – that who we are is not enough.  We are conditioned to believe we have to look as good as or better than the next guy.  Many of us spend a good part of our lives comparing ourselves to everyone else and doing whatever we can to stay in the proverbial game.  We are constantly tempted to sell ourselves out and just go do or buy or imitate whatever the people around us do or buy or are like.  We are led to believe – and often unwittingly propagate the illusion that not doing so is failure and defeat.

It might be the latest gizmo or style of clothing, or the fanciest car.  Or it could be a way of doing business – marketing in a manner to generate a feeling of scarcity or urgency, emphasizing profits and growing market share over people and service.  It could be a way of behaving within an organization – stomping on others to get ahead, or sucking up to people in power in an effort to rise through the ranks.  All with the justification that everyone else seems to be doing it and that playing along is how you survive.

The lengths we go to in an effort to “measure up” and “get ahead” have us creating a lot of flash, but at the cost of substance, sustenance and even sanity.  It never seems to be enough, and has us continuing to look over our shoulders and outside of ourselves to continue to keep up appearances.  These efforts are almost always short lived.  They require tremendous amounts of energy that leave us feeling exhausted and depleted.

Those who are wise can see right through these facades.  There is a growing population that is increasingly ready and willing to say NO to this crazy way of living.  Some of them are customers who will no longer tolerate empty promises and hype with no follow through, or service that leaves them feeling like an afterthought.  Some of them are talent that have had enough with being treated in ways that belittle their creativity and desire for meaning and purpose in their work .

Some of them are entrepreneurs and executives who know there is a better way of doing business and are itching to create workplaces that allow people to come alive and do what they do best in a way that truly serves others. Many of these people are waiting and watching, nurturing ideas and dreams of a better way of living and leading, and gradually they are beginning to act on them.

Though Ling’s pot was empty, his heart was full. He didn’t allow the temptation to fit in and do as everyone else was to taint him.  And though he was terrified at what the consequences may have been, he exuded the courage to stand in his truth.  The qualities that allowed him to persevere through a year of waiting, wondering, questioning, and listening are the same that will make him a great leader – one that doesn’t rush to the easy solution.  One who holds dear the importance of staying grounded and being strong and acting in alignment with a higher truth.  One who inspires others to do the same.

Real leadership requires courage to say NO to relegating oneself to a life of complacency with ways of being that don’t ring true – even though it might be scary, and lead us to feel alone and judged and mocked as young Ling did.  It requires faith in ourselves – and something bigger than ourselves – which will guide us to find what we seek through the small sweet voice within that has all our answers.  And it requires vigilance and dedication to continue to listen to that voice instead of allowing it to be drowned out by the booming voice of ego echoed in the masses that have us believing who we are and what we have to offer is not enough.

Our reward is something that doesn’t come and go with the seasons , or that can ever be taken away from us.  It is the cultivation of inner strength and wisdom that will allow us to meet any challenge with grace and to create opportunities that allow ourselves and everyone around us to share in the glory of living and leading inspired lives.

Don’t sell yourself out.  You’re worth more than that.  And it’s never too late to begin living your truth.

For more on inspired living and leading, check out The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming a Real Leader now available in both ebook and paperback formats on Amazon.

Courage Image by David Bruce. Depressed man image by Master isolated images at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

 

Not Seeing Results? Don’t Give Up.

Do you ever feel like despite your best, most diligent, inspired effort, discipline and patience, you don’t seem to be getting anywhere?  Maybe you have a vision that excites you – an idea of how something could be done differently, a creation you’d like to breathe life into, a way of improving your quality of life – or that of others.  You plan, you prepare, you do the work.  Repeatedly.  But despite all that effort and persistence, you have little if anything to show for it.

You might question yourself.  Are you doing it right? Are you missing something?

You might get angry and try harder to control the outcome – double down your efforts, research extensively to figure out how to foolproof your plan, do whatever you can to MAKE it happen.

You may take your anger out on others.  Why aren’t they cooperating?  And how is it that everyone else seems to have it easier than you do?

You may question your vision.  Is this really worth investing your time and energy in?

You might feel like quitting and moving onto something easier, more mainstream, with less risk or exposure.  You gave it a good run.  Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

But the idea of throwing in the towel feels even worse than continuing what seems to be a losing battle.   

And try as you might, you just can’t shake the hold of that vision.  It beckons.  It haunts.  It enchants – revisiting you in your quiet hours, whispering about what is possible.

What do you do?

Have you ever heard the story of the Chinese Bamboo tree?  It’s quite unusual.  A farmer who plants these seeds will water, fertilize and tend to them  daily.  After a year of care and nurturing, the ground looks the same way it did when the seeds were planted.  Another year will pass as the farmer continues his efforts,  with no seeming growth at all.  A third year of care and feeding will go by.  NOTHING.  And then another year of watering, fertilizing and patiently waiting.  Still nothing.  In the fifth year, small sprouts will appear.  And in the six weeks that follow, the little shoot will grow up to ninety feet tall.

What we don’t realize about these seeds  – and our precious visions – is that while patience, faith and perseverance may not produce tangible signs of progress for quite some time, they work wonders beneath the surface, laying the groundwork for what will follow. 

To sustain the towering height these trees grow to, the root system must be deep and vast.  We too must have a strong inner foundation to ensure we have what we need before we can share it with others.  So many of our efforts are a quest to prove to ourselves that we are worthy.  We often mistakenly think that accolades, prestige, wealth and all that comes with success will allow us to feel  strong and fulfilled.   But that approach is backwards.

The “trappings” of success fade over time and are as  easily toppled as a tree with no root system.  If instead we start with a strong, grounded feeling of worthiness and appreciation for ourselves, we can extend our gifts to others  knowing that we have all we need and that sharing it with others will only make us stronger – in the same way that bamboo continues to grow after it is harvested.  This strength is cultivated over time, and often happens during the times of our lives that feel most barren.  We endure disappointments, we try something and fail, we learn about who we are and why we are here.  This is all growth that happens beneath the surface.  And it makes us strong and resilient enough to stand tall, reach high, and do the work we have been inspired to do out of joy rather than necessity.

Visions worth working for often don’t come to fruition right away and timing is not something that can be controlled.  When we try desperately to speed things up, we will often experience frustration, and feelings of desperation that may lead to anger and/or withdrawal.  Just as we cannot peel rosebuds open or shorten the time it takes for a caterpillar to become a butterfly, we cannot rush the progress and transformation that happens with our visions and our very selves. Sometimes our efforts to speed things up actually delay progress, as when we get too attached to a certain course of action that interferes with the natural progression of things.  This is analogous to digging up and replanting seeds that have not yet sprouted.

The “overnight success” we often hear about is more often than not the result of years of dedication, commitment, perseverance and faith that like the growth of the Chinese bamboo tree took several years to come to fruition.  As you pursue your grandest dreams and visions, many will tell you that your efforts are in vain, that you do not have what it takes, that you should quit while you are ahead.  And you may begin to question yourself as well.  But as you weather these storms and continue to believe in and cultivate something that cannot yet be seen,  you will ultimately be rewarded with seeing that which you believe.  And it will enrich your life – and that of others in ways you may never have anticipated.

For more on bringing your grandest dreams and visions to fruition and laying the foundation necessary to sustain them, check out The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming a Real Leader now available in both ebook and paperback formats on Amazon.

The Desperate Anxiety photo courtesy of Naypong at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Bamboo Trees photo courtesy of S P Photography.

What is a REAL Leader?

Often when I tell people that I wrote a book called The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming a Real Leader, they assume it must have something to do with ethics.  It’s understandable, since the first thing most of us think of when we hear “Pinocchio” is a puppet whose nose grew when he lied.  Pinocchio could easily be used as a metaphor for  people who lie through their teeth while their proverbial noses grow.  I can see why some might think The Pinocchio Principle is a commentary on the importance of honesty in leadership.  And while being truthful to oneself and others is a vital part of being a “real” leader, the reason I picked Pinocchio as a metaphor goes much deeper than his nose.

Pinocchio is the story of a puppet who longs to become REAL.  Like Pinocchio, at our core we too have a burning desire to become real, to bring into creation the greatness that resides somewhere within us. We are born with these impulses — to give form to our distinctive blends of talent, energy, passion and style. We come into the world equipped with far more than we are immediately able to utilize or even comprehend. And though these rich parts of ourselves are always there, they have a way of becoming latent over time.

There are people among us who have found ways to tap that well, drawing forth bits of the magic we are all capable of. These are the people we love to watch and be around — who do what they do so well that it is an art. As they tap their inner reserves and unleash their own greatness, they inspire each of us to do the same. In this way, they are true leaders.

In Walt Disney’s rendition of Pinocchio, the puppet encounters a blue fairy who tells him, “When you prove yourself to be brave, truthful, and unselfish, Pinocchio, then you will become a real boy.”  One could imagine what Pinocchio might have been thinking upon hearing these words. What are these things this fairy speaks of? How do I get them? What must I do? How long will it take? Where do I start? With the promise of a dream fulfilled, he endeavors to do whatever is necessary. And the odyssey begins. The twists and turns it takes are trials we can all relate to, and challenges that I believe are a part of our human experience.

The qualities that the Blue Fairy encourages Pinocchio to demonstrate are not things he must acquire. They are attributes he already possesses. But in order to activate them, he must endure a series of events that allow him to realize these qualities are there and to exercise them accordingly.  In order to return to himself — his true self — Pinocchio must endure a journey of trials and tribulations that first lure him away from himself. And the same kind of drama seems to unfold in one way or another for each of us.

Every one of us has within us an animating genius, which yearns to take different forms depending on who we are. Real leaders could be defined as those whose animating genius longs to create something for the greatest good, which is ultimately accomplished for, with and through others. It has a keen ability to look around, see possibilities and utilize resources in a way that brings something into existence that benefits others, whether that is a family, a community, a non-profit organization, a corporation, or the world at large. To accomplish this, leaders have the distinct charge of working with others in a way that brings out their best — that allows those we can impact to find the animating genius within them and apply it in service of accomplishing a common goal.

Many of us associate the primary meaning of “to lead” as directing something on a given course, or being in charge, and this can be one of the functions of leadership. But the essence of leadership is much more than this. The Merriam Webster Dictionary has the following entry as the first definition listed for the word “lead”: “a: to guide on a way especially by going in advance.” If one of the essential functions of a leader is to bring out the best in others, this definition would suggest that to do this, he or she must first bring out the best in themselves. This, in and of itself, is the very same odyssey our friend Pinocchio finds himself on: to discover and liberate within himself what is real— divinely inspired genius — and to courageously apply it in a way that is truthful and unselfish.

The Pinocchio Principle was written as a roadmap to help people bring to fruition their greatest dreams and visions and better navigate through the perils and possibilities along the way. Reading it will help you better differentiate what is true within yourself from the conditioning that would have you acting in ways that are inauthentic and self-defeating. You will learn methods for gaining clarity on your unique call to leadership and leveraging your experiences to prepare for something bigger. Navigational tools explored within the book will help you determine the extent to which you are on or off course and the direction you need to take next on your journey to becoming a real leader.

As you begin to recognize and prevent assumptions and beliefs that keep you from your greatest work, you will learn to utilize ego in service to spirit. With this vital partnership, the elusive promises of Pleasure Island that divert you from your truest fulfillment are easier to recognize and work through. And facing your greatest fears in the belly of the whale becomes a transformational experience that will reunite you with your own determination, courage and heroism. In the end, you will rediscover the power that lies within us all to create and live our dreams. You will also find ways to return to the quiet places within yourself that nurture and inform your greatest visions.

The ultimate odyssey is always that of self-discovery. Every challenge, every opportunity gives us a chance to learn more about who we really are and to utilize our inherent gifts in service to something greater than ourselves. When we give ourselves completely to the journey and find meaning in each step along the way, we will truly live. And through our example and the unique contributions we all have to make in the world, we will truly lead.

 

Click here to preview or order your ebook version of The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming a Real Leader for Kindle.  Don’t have a Kindle? No worries.  Anybody can read Kindle books—even without a Kindle device—with the FREE Kindle app for smartphones and tablets.  Click here if you prefer paperback.

A portion of the proceeds from The Pinocchio Principle goes to the Center for Humane Living, a remarkable organization whose vision is to inspire all people to live peaceful and compassionate lives while implementing a fully humanitarian agenda.

A Salute to Conscious Leaders

I’m working with a few leaders in both large and small organizations – who are passionate about creating inspired workplaces.

They aren’t sure how to do it.  They aren’t sure people will respond favorably.  They aren’t sure it will work at all.

They want to break the unspoken, unwritten rules of organizations that say…

…that the version of yourself you bring to work is different than who you are at home
…that work is a place where you do what your boss says and don’t ask a lot of questions
…that you have to suck it up when what you are tasked to do doesn’t really jive with who you are
…that you have to keep your head down and just make it through the day, the week, the month, the year and collect your paycheck regularly enough to feed your family and make ends meet.

These leaders inspire me.  They have come to a place where they know there has to be more to life than just going through the motions, getting through the day, doing what’s required, going home and turning on the TV until the next day comes.  They want more for themselves and they want more for their people.

And a couple of them are in organizations that have some pretty traditional structures and old paradigms.  Not intentionally designed to limit people, but born of cultures that despite the latest management trends and empowerment classes on possibility thinking and shared vision still reward command and control,  lead to power plays and foster the idea that if you don’t watch your back you could get stabbed.

One of my clients was discouraged by his boss from getting too close to his subordinates because it could cause him to lose his “edge” with them.  He was told he may not be viewed as a leader if his people know too much about him and see him as a real person with fears and dreams and idiosyncrasies and humor.

But he knows that isn’t the kind of leadership that will allow him to do what he wants to do in the organization he leads.  He knows that won’t light people up.  He knows that won’t foster trust.  He knows that isn’t what makes people go the extra mile when they are already tired and beaten.  And he’s sick of playing that game.

So he’s trying something new.  He’s sharing more of himself.  More of his vision.  More of his hopes and concerns and experiences for better or worse.  He is encouraging dialogue.  He’s asking what people think and sticking around long enough to hear (and really listen to) what they have to say.  He is helping them find ways to breathe life into their greatest ideas and visions.  And he is learning to get out of the way and trade the illusion of control for embracing possibilities that lead people (including himself) to enter into and navigate through uncertainty.

Another of my clients is getting ready to engage his leadership team in ways that they aren’t used to.  He wants to roll out a whole new paradigm of doing things.  And he is quite aware that words like “increasing shareholder value,” “fostering excellence” and “exceeding customer expectations” – while good concepts, tend to make people’s eyes glaze over and dismiss what is being said as the latest corporate speak, rah rah, Dilbert like rant.

He realizes that he needs to get very clear about what he sees as possible for his organization and all the people in it.  He needs to be able to distinguish what they are moving away from and moving toward and find out what they think is important and what it will take in order to get them there.  He wants to encourage dissention and constructive disagreement.

He knows that if they don’t voice their concerns and questions and hesitations to him, they will do it with each other in a way that could invoke fear and resistance and squash the seeds of possibility as they begin to germinate and grow.   He knows that a silent room doesn’t mean everyone agrees.  He has the courage to delve underneath the surface to find out what’s really going on – even, and perhaps especially if it means they don’t agree with anything he is saying.

Another client heads up an organization that is already known as the very best at what they do.  They have customers lining up at the door.  They have been recognized in their community as the go to for what they do.  They are well respected in their industry.  And yet, they are burned out.  They are overwhelmed and just trying to make it through the day.

My client feels things are falling through the cracks and important details are getting overlooked.  He has run around fixing things as they break, preventing undesirable consequences and instituting practices that keep the organization profitable, efficient and effective.  But his partners haven’t embraced them – in fact, in some cases they even harbor resentment.

He wants to create an inspired workplace.  And he knows he cannot do it singlehandedly.  But he realizes his partners aren’t inspired – and that no amount of talking at them will get them there.  So he is slowing down and beginning to have authentic conversations with each of them.   He wants to connect with them as people, to see what they believe in, what they are passionate about, what they want to create together, and what they think needs to be done in order to make it fly.

He is opening himself up to their criticism, their doubts, their worries and also hoping to hear about their dreams.  He doesn’t know if it is going to work.  He isn’t sure how to begin these conversations, or whether people will really engage with him.  But he is willing to do it anyway.

And this is the essence of true leadership.  Some call it conscious leadership.  It is the ability to authentically engage with people in the workplace in a way that promotes shared value, meaning and purpose and leads them to work together in service to something greater than themselves.  It requires courage, patience, faith, trust, intuition, and self awareness.

And I salute them.

Are you a conscious leader?  Would you like to be? 

I am dedicated to helping people lead consciously and partner with others in their organizations to do things they never realized were possible.  I am passionate about working with people to bring their whole selves to what they do and to transcend the idea that work is a place where you pass the time until you get to go home and “really” live.  My clients inspire me and I’m and honored to partner with them in their efforts.  I now have a few openings.  If you are interested in working one on one with me, visit https://dianebolden.com/coaching.html to learn more.  When you are ready to move forward, contact me to schedule a complimentary coaching call.

My book, The PInocchio Principle: Becoming a Real Leader will soon be launched in ebook format on Amazon!  Stay tuned for more details, or check out the paperback version.

 

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Real People, Real Businesses, Real Success

Have you ever noticed that some businesses, stores, restaurants, and people make you feel good simply by virtue of coming into contact with them?

Well, I have. There’s a little coffee shop around the corner called Carmels that I adore. The owner is a guy named Pat. He remembers my name, and looks me (and everyone I am with) in the eye when we come through the door. He is always happy to see us. The pictures on the walls have been carefully selected to create an ambiance that is both relaxing and upbeat. The lattes are created by someone who treats his job as his art and presents his creations with pride. The food is delectable. And we inevitably leave happier than we were when we came in.

My all time favorite sandwich shop, Sacks Art of Sandwicherie is run by a married couple who stop to talk to us when we are there. Every once in a while, one of the owners will get a sly grin and give us drinks at no charge. “Today is Diane day,” he will say, slyly grinning as he hands me my cup. They hire people who make us feel special too. They ask about our kids. They crack jokes that make us giggle. We go there every weekend, often because there is no place else we’d rather have lunch. (The sandwiches are killer too.) There is usually a line that goes all the way to the door, because we are not the only ones who feel compelled to visit time after time.

When I walk into some stores and even offices, I feel good as soon as I step into the building. In others, I can’t wait to leave. It is not necessarily a matter of the displays, the furniture, or even the merchandise as it is the energy that is created by the people who are involved in some way with the experience people have while they are there. They infuse passion into their work. They make it a point to truly connect with people. And they bring who they really are to what they do.

We are discerning consumers. People are beginning to recognize that there is a difference when products and services are derived from passionate people who care deeply about what they do and the impact it makes. Those who are going through the motions to make a buck will find that their customer bases are dwindling as we continue to realize that we can have better experiences somewhere else.

When products and services make people feel good, it is often because the people involved in creating and administering them feel good when they do their work. Their work has become more than a means to an end. It is an experience that they have learned to show up and be present for. And they have found a way to make it meaningful not only for themselves, but for every person they come into contact with.

They have taken the notion that work isn’t supposed to be fun and turned it on its head. They’ve found a way to bust out of a paradigm that had them passing the time until the work day was over and living only for the weekends (or maybe they never bought into it at all.) And they may have suffered a mishap or two – the promotion they were hoping for went to someone else, the proposal they toiled on for hours ended up in someone’s trash can, the big sale slipped through their fingers. But they picked themselves up and focused on what they could do from that point forward.

They realized that truly living isn’t about following the road that is well traveled – the one that had them killing themselves to fit a mold that was never made for them. Instead, they decided to listen to their hearts and take action on the soft, sweet, voice that told them not to give up on their dreams and led them step by step to their next adventure.

These are the people that create the places, the products and the services I want to be a part of. They are bright eyed and big hearted. They care about others – and themselves too. They are courageous and also vulnerable. They’ve decided to stop playing small and when someone tells them it can’t be done, they do it anyway. They make the world brighter one moment at a time. These people have taken off the masks that keep people from seeing who they really are. No pretense, hype or facades.

They are REAL. They delight and inspire me. And I salute them.

For more on being real, listen to my interview on blogtalkradio with Sales Call Reluctance Coach Connie Kadansky, Real vs. Phony Salespeople. And stay tuned for the launch of a new video series, On the Road to Real: The Adventures of Pistachio (coming in July via OnTheRoadtoReal.com), designed to help us all experience the ineffable joy shared by the people I wrote about in this blog.

Photo credit:  Patrimonio Designs Limited

Dead Plants and Other Missed Opportunities

Sometimes life’s greatest lessons come to us in simple, yet profound ways.  This week’s video is about an insight that hit me during a rather lame attempt I made with gardening.  I hope you enjoy it!

 

 

 

Here’s what I said in the video:

See this? I bought it two weeks ago. I was so excited when I saw it. It was beautiful! These flowers were pink and vibrant with the just the perfect graceful little curve. And I couldn’t wait to get it home and put it in my garden.

So I bought it, I took it home and I didn’t have time to plant it right away. I left it on my patio and then I went and did all the things I thought I needed to do.

The next day I thought “Oh! My plants!” But I didn’t have time to plant them that day either. So I turned the hose on them and watered them and made sure they still looked beautiful and vibrant.

And the next day came and went.

And the day after that — “Aagh – oh no! My plants, my beautiful flowers!” I ran out to the patio and they looked like this.

And I realized something. When you get an idea — something that’s bursting in your head and blooming and beckoning, you’ve got to take action on it — when it’s in the prime of its life. Because if you don’t, those ideas, they fly right out of your head and they go somewhere else.

So, if you have something that’s blossoming, plant it now.

Plant while you’re blooming.

Arrogance vs. Humility: Embracing Your Brilliance

The lights are dimming and the crowd begins to hush. Music blares from all corners of the dark, expansive room. A spotlight illuminates the stage and cuts a circle in the red velvet curtain that falls from the ceiling above. In front of that curtain are proud parents and antsy siblings squirming in their seats, eager to be entertained. And behind it are nervous school children with hearts pumping and nerves tingling.

Last week my daughter was in a variety show along with a myriad of other students at Hopi Elementary School. They practiced for months. And I was one of a myriad of parents that toted children back and forth from rehearsal to rehearsal where the kids gradually perfected their acts and readied themselves for the spotlight. Finally their time had come.

As with every talent show, there were those who burst onto the stage with contagious energy and bright smiles, soaking up every ounce of the experience. And there were others who walked onto the platform and suddenly shrunk inside themselves, painfully aware that an entire auditorium of people were staring at them, watching and waiting expectantly.

I couldn’t help but think how every one of us has likely been in both categories at one time or another. Maybe not in a talent show, or on any kind of stage at all. But in our own everyday lives. In the theatre of our work, in the arena of our interaction with others — colleagues, customers, bosses, friends and acquaintances. Sometimes we rise to the occasion and we are present, effusive, bright and shining with enthusiasm and warmth. And other times we wither and withdraw — intimidated, nervous, awkward and doubtful.

In the latter scenario, there is no judge more critical than the one that lives in our own heads. Allowing it to hijack our attention, we quietly exit the scene while our bodies remain, vacant and taking up space. We nod our heads and smile, hear what others say and even comment sometimes. But we are far more engaged in an internal dialogue that has us believing we are not good enough, that we must be a little more of this or less of that. It has us planning and evaluating what we will say in response to a person who hasn’t even finished speaking, their words eclipsed by the roar of preoccupation going on between our own ears.

This is a dismal state to be in. In the midst of all the cruel self-judging, that part of us that is brilliant and loving, warm and engaging in whatever way is uniquely ours is dismissed. Or perhaps disallowed. How could we let it come forth while we banter about in our heads that we need to be anyone other than who we really are?

At the variety show, I really don’t believe the audience would judge a poor kid standing speechless or stuttering at the edge of the stage — but rather would cheer him on, showering him with beams of encouragement and love, silently wishing for him to loosen up, forget about the audience and have a little fun just being himself. And perhaps it is that way in our arenas as well.

When we withhold ourselves, we cheat others of experiencing the brilliance of who we really are. But before we cheat them of it, we cheat ourselves. Many of us are taught and conditioned to be humble and avoid the appearance of arrogance. But we confuse arrogance with self love, which is actually a prerequisite to humility. True arrogance is the product of someone who has no self love, and tries desperately to convince others he is superior and worthy of the very thing he denies himself of.

True humility occurs when we embrace our own greatness and love ourselves in a way that we don’t have to worry about how we are coming across or what others think of us, because we already know we have value. In embracing our own value and allowing our brilliance to shine, we light the way for others to do the same. It is this brilliance that will transform our world, that brings with it the creativity and ingenuity to rise up to our challenges and allow us to do things we never thought we could. Far from being self absorbed, sharing our brilliance in this way is the most generous and loving thing we could do for others. But before we can do it for them, we must do it for ourselves.

So the next time you find yourself engaging in a vicious dialogue that has you believing you are anything less than who you are and keeps you from bursting onto the scene, recognize that for what it is — an old pattern that isn’t doing you or anyone else any favors. The less you feed that dialogue, the less “self absorbed” you are and the more generous you can be with your brilliance. The audience begs you: come onto the stage, forget that you are being watched, have a little fun being who you really are — and show us all how to truly shine.

Simple Solutions for Getting Out of A Funk

Have you ever found yourself stuck in a lousy place, just not sure how to pull yourself back up?  When we get that way, often times we tend to focus on things that will just bring us further down – evidence that supports why we have good reason to feel lousy.  But every once in awhile, we open our eyes to find simple gifts that have the power to snap us out of it and bring us back to a better place.  This week’s video is about my experience with a dear friend, who did just that for me many years ago – in a way that I will never forget.

 

 

 

Here’s what I said in the video…

 

There was a time in college I remember coming home just so down – in a really bad place. I had just taken an exam and I was sure I just totally blew it. And I think I was behind on several papers… and the guy I had a crush on didn’t even know I was alive… and I just felt terrible!

I came back and my roommate was there and I thought “oh this is great – I have somebody to unload on”. So I just pounced.

“Oh listen to what happened to me today, and then I did this, etc., etc., etc.” And I was just in my thing.

My roommate turned around – and I wasn’t sure what she was doing, so I just kept talking at her. And she turned around [with a hanger wrapped around her head and a perfectly serious face] and just said “oh yeah, I’m sure that was really hard, yeah…”.

To this day, when I get all hung up in my stuff, I think back to my little hanger head roommate and I realize that when we think everything is falling apart and nothing’s going to get better, there’s always something somewhere that will make us smile – and sometimes it’s just right in front of us.

Make the most of what is right in front of you.

Wealth, Success and Love

The other day in karate class, our sensei (instructor) began by explaining that 2012 is the Year of the Dragon. A year of wealth and financial prosperity. “So none of us need to worry,” he said with a twinkle in his eye. He then proceeded to tell us a Zen story – one that I enjoyed so much that I want to share it with you.

There was a family of three that lived happily in the country in a small house. One day, as the woman who lived there was out and about, she noticed three very old men with long white beards sitting on the side of the road. Sensing they needed care, she invited them back to her home.

When they arrived, her husband was curious about what was going on. “Who are these men?” he asked her. “What are their names?”

When the woman inquired, they shared that their names were “Wealth”, “Success” and “Love”.

Her husband agreed that they should welcome the old men into their home and tend to them. The men explained that only one of the three would be allowed to enter, and that the family had to decide which one to invite.

At that point, our sensei paused the story and asked the class to discuss which one of the three we would have invited into our homes. As the group began to wonder which of the men looked like they needed the most care, he reminded us that Zen stories were about ancient principles and more metaphorical than literal. From that point, the discussion was lively.

Several indicated that they would not hesitate in asking Love in above all else. One person said, “Hey, the Beatles told us that’s really all you need.”

Another pointed out that any of the three would really be OK. “After all, wealth could be a wealth of health, money, love, whatever. And success is really about how you define it. So that could include love and money too.”

Still others felt that the family was happy before the men appeared and asked why they really needed to invite anyone in the house.

Someone else referenced that our sensei opened his discussion by indicating that this was the year of the Dragon – a point that must have some relevance to the answer he was looking for.

The discussion continued and the group finally arrived at the consensus that they would choose love. We gave our answer to our sensei and he told us the rest of the story.

The husband and wife talked it over. He felt they should invite Wealth, while she was leaning more toward inviting Success. From beyond the room, they heard the voice of their young daughter. Oh Mother and Father, invite Love!

The husband and wife looked at each other and decided to trust in the wisdom of their daughter. They turned to Love and said, we have decided that you should come into our house.

Upon hearing his answer, all three men began to applaud and cheer. The family was confused.

Love explained, “If you would have chosen Wealth or Success, only the one you invited would have been allowed to enter. But since you chose Love, all three of us can come in.”

Love. Inviting love into your home may not sound like such a stretch. How about into your workplace? How about into your job? What would it be like to live every part of your life with love being the first thing you invite in?

Love doesn’t pay the bills, you might think. Love doesn’t allow you to come out on top, you may have been conditioned to believe. What’s love got to do with it?

How about EVERYTHING? Look around. I don’t know about you, but I’ve begun to notice that there is a distinct difference between people who have made love a priority in their lives, and those who have chosen differently. It seems that people who have put wealth and success before love are often some of the most fearful, angry, defensive people around. And those who have put love first are the most generous, courageous, and fulfilled – regardless of what’s in their bank accounts.

And if the Zen story is true, perhaps with love, we can reach the highest and purest levels of wealth and success. The kind that is not fleeting. The kind that does not exclude. The kind that does not become depleted as it is shared, but rather multiplies and grows in strength, abundance and true power.

Wealth, Success and Love. Invite Love in, and the others will follow. Sounds good to me.

What do you think?

My family and I practice karate at the Center for Humane Living, a nonprofit organization whose vision is to inspire all people to live peaceful and compassionate lives while implementing a fully humanitarian agenda.

Photo credit: Graksi

Living Your Dream

Over the history of time, there have been among us people who dared to dream big and ended up creating something magnificent as a result. What they had in common was not their station in life, their family inheritance or even necessarily a solid education. Many rose up despite odds that would suggest their lives would be quite ordinary, or insignificant, perhaps growing up amidst gangs and violence and poverty to become leaders whose life stories would inspire millions of others from all backgrounds and circumstances.

What is it that differentiates these people from the rest? And what can we all learn from them?

“Nothing happens unless first a dream.” ~ Carl Sandburg

People who do amazing things in the world often have a dream that they lovingly nurture and protect. From somewhere in the depths of their being, they know they are capable of greatness – not because they were born into it or are particularly more gifted than everyone else, but simply because it is their birthright – as it is for all of us.

Each one of us has the ability to create something extraordinary. We all have different talents and strengths, diverse styles and passions – along with a unique combination of experiences (for better or worse) that allows us to discover and apply them to create something bigger than ourselves. We may not know exactly what form it will take, but if we pay attention to the whispers and yearnings of our hearts, we begin to make out the shape of something that beckons to us.

As children, most of us received mixed messages. We may have been encouraged to follow our hearts and give life to our dreams, in addition to being conditioned to be practical, hedge our bets and take the safest route. Over time, many of us have allowed the roar of public opinion – that often tells us our dreams are frivolous, selfish and unlikely to come to fruition – to silence that small still voice within. But those among us who have risen against their odds have learned to reverse that process and believe in themselves and their dreams despite the overwhelming evidence around them that would suggest that success is improbable.

“If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lost that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.” ~ Martin Luther King

The beginning of each year brings with it the question of what we will focus our time, energy and resources into accomplishing. It is an optimal time to reacquaint ourselves with our dreams and visions, our purpose and values, and the question of how we can become living examples of that which we most admire. You may be quite sure of what it is you would like to create, do, have or become. Or perhaps you have only small pieces of a bigger puzzle that has not yet come together.

The power of your dream will be bolstered by the degree to which your vision expands beyond your own interests to those of others around you. Spend some time contemplating where you feel most drawn and why. When you land on something that will allow your gifts to align with those of others to accomplish complementary goals, you will join forces with something much greater than yourself. It will lift you up when your energy is low and sustain you through moments of doubt and fear.

Perhaps the whispers of our heart and the calls to greatness that we feel within our souls are essential components of a larger, collective plan that we each play a vital part in. As we rise up to play these parts fully and wholeheartedly, we can revel in the beauty of its mysterious unfolding. In the process, we will discover ourselves to be greater than we thought we were and use each moment of our lives to create something extraordinary for ourselves and others.

“Behind every great achievement is a dreamer of great dreams.”
~ Robert K. Greenleaf

 

The above article contains excerpts from my book, The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be, available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com.

Photo credit: joegough